Gay Banker

Pinot noir

2012-02-07T16:34:00.005Z

"Can you take down your pants and lie on your side, facing the wall?"

I'm in a private clinic, having a health check-up, and the doctor has decided that he should feel my prostate. He slips his middle finger slowly into my arse.

"Ahhh, there it is, ... yes, ... normal size, ... ok, ... ok, ... no lumps, ... yes all normal :-)," he says, withdrawing his finger after what felt like a very thorough examination. I feel that the running commentary wasn't strictly necessary.

"You can pull up your pants now, but can you leave your shirt off? I just want to listen to your heart."

No one in my family, including me, has ever had any heart problems so I feel quite relaxed. But I'm in for a shock!

"I think I can hear a heart murmur," he says, after several repeated touches of the cold stethoscope on my chest and back, "Just lie back again and let me check."

"Yes, it's definitely there, has anyone ever mentioned this to you before?"

"Errr, no," I answer nervously, not at all sure what it all means, "will I be OK?"

"Probably," he replies after a small delay, "but I'd like to send you to see a cardiologist to check this out."

"That's the point of these check-ups you know :-)," he continues, with a satisfied tone in his voice, "to find potential issues before they become problems!"

A few days later and I'm having an echocardiogram done at a nearby hospital. After the scan, I get given a piece of paper with a summary of the results to carry over for review by the consultant cardiologist. Looking at the document, I see scary phrases like "concentric left ventricular hypertrophy" and "ascending aortic dilatation". But the phrase "normal in structure and function" also occurs with a reassuring frequency, so maybe I'll be OK after all.

After a short wait I get to see the consultant. He sees that I look a bit nervous, so after the introductions he tries to put me at ease.

"Everyone would have a heart murmur if you listened to their heart in a quiet enough room," he explains, "and a murmur isn't necessarily something to worry about. For example, pregnant women have murmurs because their hearts have to work harder!"

He reads the document that I carried over from the scan and smiles. "All your heart valves are fine according to this, so take your shirt off and let's listen to this murmur."

As well as listening to my heart, he also takes my blood pressure and measures my heart rate.

"You've got quite a low heart beat, only 49 beats a minute," he says smiling, "do you go to the gym much?"

"Errr yes," I answer, "I try and keep fit, and I like to go running sometimes, but perhaps I need to be careful exerting myself too much in the future if I've got heart problems?"

"Well then, that explains everything," he replies, "you've got an athlete's heart! The murmur is simply because you're heart can pump more blood in a single heartbeat than the average person. So keep running and going to the gym because it's good for you :-). You don't smoke do you?"

"No, I've never smoked," I answer, "but I do like to drink alcohol!"

"That's fine in moderation," replies the consultant, "Red wine is best because of the antioxidants."

"That's good because I like red wine," I say enthusiastically.

"Well then, they reckon that pinot noir is best, because it's got very slightly more antioxidants than other grape varieties."

Pinot noir is the grape variety used for red wine in Burgundy, as I've said before, it's one of my favourite styles of wine.

"Anyway," he continues, "everything is absolutely fine, your heart is fit and healthy, so you don't need to spend time seeing people like me!"

I had no idea when first heard about my heart murmur that things would turn out so well. According to the consultant I've got an athlete's heart, and more than that, my favourite red wine grape variety is even better for me than I'd thought! Boyfriend T tends to prefer claret to red Burgundy, but armed with this information, perhaps I'll be able to persuade him to drink Burgundy with me a little more often :-).

Email about Asian-discrimination and penis size

2012-01-03T09:23:00.000Z

A couple of month ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm young (in my 20s) and rather new to the gay scene. I've recently started going on gay hook-up sites like Manjam, Gay Romeo, Gaydar and Manhunt, and logged onto Grindr once or twice. What I've noticed is that many guys specifically state that they do not want to date or hook-up with Asian men. I wonder why this is. Is there some sort of ethnic hierarchy when it comes to desirability in the gay scene?

The first reason that came to mind is the stereotype that Asian men are less-endowed than men of other races. I don't place much trust on stereotypes, especially after having slept with a few black men who have come in all sizes from huge to small. It also got me thinking about the importance of penis size in the gay scene. How important is penis size? Is it more important than being fit or good-looking facial features? Why is it that penis size has any importance whatsoever (I've only been a top so I have no idea how penis size affects a bottom's pleasure during sex)? Is it solely psychological (for example, something akin Freud's idea of penis envy, except with average/less-endowed men replacing women)? I also found studies that showed that well-endowed men are more likely to be tops while their less-endowed counterparts are most likely to be bottoms. Even you mentioned a scenario in your blog where a guy was trying to ascertain your size by looking at your fingers; was that just a form of flirting or are there men actually checking for signs like that?

Part of me finds this all rather ridiculous, and another part is slightly insecure and wonders how this affects me or where it leaves me on the desirability scale; I'm an average-sized (6 inches) black guy. Mostly, I'm just curious.

Regards,

I think there's a rather disappointing answer to this reader's first question about profiles that state things like "No Asians". It's called racism :-(. Although it's not excusable, I think I can explain why young guys feel like that, because about 20 years ago before I met ex-boyfriend S I had similar feelings. I simply felt that I had nothing in common with Asian guys, and I felt that I needed to have a lot in common with guys that I was going to get intimate with. Although I've never had a profile which stated "No Asians", the truth was that when I first came out, I was only interested in Caucasians. However, the more I've matured and grown up, the more open I've become to sex and relationships with guys from all ethnic backgrounds. So although ex-boyfriend S is Caucasian like me, ex-boyfriend P is a Muslim, ex-boyfriend R is Hindu, and boyfriend T is Asian :-).

Taking a world view, I don't think there's a global ethnic hierarchy, because preferences vary from country to country. I can recall being in Tokyo, and finding a gay sauna which was Japanese only. However, if my own experience is anything to go by, perhaps young gay guys have a preference for guys from their own background. So within each country, maybe that does define a hierarchy? Although I hope that I'm fully cured of the racist preference that I felt when I was younger, I can't help being reminded of the song Everyone's a little bit racist from the musical Avenue Q!

Regarding penis size, there were a lot of comments about that on my recent posting titled Email from a gay guy who lives in India. Also, back in 2005 I did a posting about my own experiences of penis size, which suggest that East and South-East Asians guys are on average a bit smaller than Caucasians, South Asians (i.e. Indians and Pakistanis), Latinos and Black guys. However, I honestly don't think that's really got anything to do with people's preferences. I certainly had no idea about the average size of different ethnic groups when I was more inclined towards Caucasians. And for the record, I reckon that the guy who was trying to work out my size by looking at the size of my fingers was just flirting.

I've always thought that guys who focus on penis size are being very shallow, especially if they're looking for a life partner rather than just a brief encounter. What's more, there are some drawbacks to big penises because they can be painful to accommodate, and also the quality of their hardness when erect can be significantly lower. Given the choice, I'd much rather have a hard cock to play with than a big one :-).

In summary, I don't think that any gay guy needs to feel insecure about their cock size when they're looking for a boyfriend. Long term relationships are about much more than sex, but even in the bedroom, I'm convinced it's about 'what you do with it' rather than 'how big it is' :-). And in any case, if a guy really does focus on cock size then he's unlikely to make a good boyfriend, so he's not worth the effort!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on these subjects?

A very Happy Christmas to all my readers

2011-12-25T13:16:00.003Z

This year, I managed to get away on holiday with boyfriend T for Christmas :-). However, it turned out that although the weather at our holiday destination was warm, it was also gray, overcast and a bit rainy :-(! Below are a couple of pics taken over the last couple of days, in case anyone wants to hazard a guess as to where we are.

In any case, I hope all my readers have a very Merry Christmas, wherever they may be :-).

GB xxx

The new customised condom brand: TheyFit

2011-12-16T08:28:00.001Z

Yesterday I received an email from an ex Goldman Sachs trader called Joe Nelson, who's set up a company called TheyFit which makes condoms in 95 different sizes! So this is a condom brand that fits both length and girth :-).

The idea is simple. Guys download and print out the Fit Kit, which lets them work out the best size for them. They can then place an order on the web site. If anyone wants to try ouy this new brand, Joe has sent me a code which will give readers a 15% discount:

15% discount code: GBGS15

The 'GS' in the discount code refers to the investment bank Goldman Sachs where Joe used to work. Because of that, London's evening newspaper wrote an article about Joe's condoms with the title Goldman Sex - how Londoners measure up!

It occurred to me last night that if this catches on, the TheyFit measurement codes might one day become the definitive way of talking about cock size. Will women, and guys who like to be bottom, one day be saying things like "My last boyfriend was a D21 which was PAINFUL, but I'm much happier with my new guy who's a comfortable B77 :-)"?

Anyway, if any reader does try out this new condom brand, do come back and leave a comment to let us all know what you think!

Update 14-Jan-2012: Originally the discount code was only valid for 30 days. However, today I got an email from Joe telling me that he'd seen a lot of people use GBGS15, so he's extended it for another month :-).

Looking good on camera for a TV pilot? Volunteers please!

2011-12-09T13:06:00.000Z

This morning I received the following email from Anna Shaw of Rockabox media:

Hi there,

I've just stumbled across your blog - loving it! I'm a TV producer developing a dating show for bisexual 16 - 25 year olds. Lots of my friends are bi and I've never seen anything like this on TV before. I wanted to drop you a line as I'm currently looking for people to take part and wondered if you might know anyone who would be good on camera?

All the best

When she said that she'd "never seen anything like this on TV before", I assume she meant the kind of posts that I used to write relating to my gay life, which I don't have time to write at the moment. In which case, I think there has been something similar on TV before, in particular Queer as folk :-). So I asked her about Queer as folk to which she replied:

Yeah, similar lines definitely but we want to do it for real.

Anyway, if any readers want to take part, or know someone who'd like to take part, then please contact anna.shaw@rockaboxmedia.com as soon as possible!

Charity donations at Christmas

2011-12-07T11:10:00.000Z

For the last four years, I've asked readers to give me suggestions for Christmas charity donations (see 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010).

In connection with this, a few weeks ago I received a direct email request from a charity called Positively UK for a donation, so I've already used my charity account to give them £100. But there's still an excess in that account of around £1000, so if anyone has any suggestions for the rest then please leave a comment. The only condition is that the beneficiaries have to be registered UK charities :-).

Gay sex and the City

2011-11-28T19:28:00.000Z

Last July, I did a post about GMFA's Sexual Health Messaging Service in the UK. I got another email from them today, which contained a link to a video that they've made to promote the service, see below:

Email from a gay guy who lives in India

2011-11-28T17:25:00.000Z

A few weeks ago the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I love your blog, it is full of real stuff, which means you have a mind of your own and you do not fear of being honest. The very reason for writing to you. Now, about my letter.

Well, I maybe a type "Z"-personality among gays, since I am not gay material:

I do not have a long penis (excretory organ) or a stereotypical face or body type;
Moreover I am against gay stereotyping and male body stereotyping.

In short I am everything a gay man will want to hate. (Not to earn sympathy for hidden wants). I want to be honest with you, at least with you.

Well, I am searching for a gay partner after all these shortcomings, but I seem to stumble upon people who forget me after sex. I am 31 years old, Indian (Asian), been cruising from the time I was 24, have met 25 men out of which I had sex with 11 guys (very accurately).

Because most reject me.

One reason for all this rejection perhaps would be because:

I refused to become a bottom or a Top; or
because I am ugly, contrary to the gay image portrayed in media; or
I am seeking love before sex; or
the guys wanted big penis.

(I would be happy if I was born asexual, but I am not. I respect all gays and asexual and straights and Lesbians and Transgender as Humans.)

Whatever be, in the end I am sad. That is why I am writing this to you with a thumping heart.

What is my hope, if any? I am not putting you or any reader on the opponents chair because that is silly. But I am also not saying, I do not want sex nor am I saying do not expect love from my dates. But if you feel my letter is honest do tell your valuable opinions.

I want to know:

Why is gay media portraying a male body image which is only a few types (maybe 5 or six)?
Why the penis is the favourite organ (it is an excretory organ)?
Why gay monogamy is shunned by media?
Why the West thinks that gay men in India are rejected by straights (which is not true at all) and gay Indians do not have any other problems other than being gays?

(I do not go after big penis, I do not like to hold the penis of all men I meet in my hand, because I do not have a similar penis and it is an excretory organ and it is not for love, if it was my lover it would be different, coz I may love him and in love I like to give everything 4 love.)

But I am not silly enough to ask you to answer all of these questions because you are "never" answerable and you are as much a victim of all these stereotypes in one way or the other and so are all gays in general. I fear honestly, we are victims of some oldish withered male body image, which is crippling our chances of love and bonding sans body differences and racial and mental variance.

I feel you are a powerful person who can bring about changes in "our" sensitive world. Sorry for this bother, but I feel it is time for me to speak to powerful gay individuals who believe life is hopeful and worthful.

Thank you for being patient and kind to read. I have hope in you and all gays. Regards and love.

The good thing about this reader is that he doesn't seem to have any problem accepting the fact that he's gay. A lot of the emails that I've received recently have been from young guys who're still in the early stages of working out that they're gay, but this reader has clearly progressed a long way beyond that :-). However, he does seem to have a lot of complaints about gay life!

Although it may be slightly unfair, some aspects of the reader's email remind me of the recent South Park episode, in which a large majority of men across America all get angry and disruptive just because they think their penis length is below average! The situation is only resolved when the US government officially defines the average penis size as 1.5 inches (3.8 cm), so that all men can then think of themselves as above average LOL! Is this reader just complaining because he thinks that he's below average?

It's a fact that far more guys are straight than gay. This means that if one wants to try and define an "average sexuality", then the answer would be "straight". If one then wants to define "above average", then because of the way that we're brought up we'd probably think that it's the successful so called alpha males who've got the "above average" sexuality. Unfortunately, that kind of implies that the gay sexuality is "below average" :-(. Maybe this analysis helps explain why some guys still have a problem accepting that they're gay, even though the Western world generally accepts that gay people are part of society these days.

Of course, all these ideas about above and below average penis sizes, and by extension above and below average sexualities, are ridiculous! When guys finally accept that they're gay, then they've managed to see through that kind of nonsense and come to terms with their situation. Acceptance of these kinds of facts is an important part of one's personal development, whether it relates to one's ability at sport, one's sexuality, one's appearance, one's penis size, or whatever. Once facts that one has no control over are accepted then people can move on. However, a failure to accept these kinds of things means that they're carried around in one's mind as a burden. This has a strong connection with my idea about the confidence mirror, where other people's attitudes to things that relate to a particular individual can often simply just be a reflection of that individual's own feelings. The way forward is to avoid such traps by accepting things the way they are.

Thinking about the reader's email in this way, I can't help wondering how many of the problems that he's experienced relate to his own attitude. It's true that some gay guys are shallow and focus on things like penis size, but in my experience most guys don't focus on that type of thing.

In summary, my advice to the reader is to try and accept things the way they are, and adopt a more positive and constructive attitude to boyfriend hunting. In a dating situation, confidence is probably the most important quality, so he should do everything he can to discard all his mental baggage and build his confidence.

Does anyone else have any other thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy who's having lots of sex

2011-10-17T07:03:00.000+01:00

Last July, a new reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

The reason I'm emailing you is I stumbled across your blog after googling 'first gay dating advice'. I could have emailed other people, but I suppose I chose you because I work in the finance (well, professional services) industry and so I suppose we had that small, albeit very superficial link.

About myself - I'm on the grad scheme of one of the major firms in the City. I'm in my early 20's and only started coming out just a few months ago. Only one of my close friends knows. Since then I've made some gay friends and have been out on the scene. I will probably come out to more people soon, I really just want to time it right. Otherwise I'm comfortable with myself.

Anyway, the reason why I emailed is because, well, I met this guy. He's great. Our first 'date' started off casually. Just drinks, which morphed into dinner, then more drinks, then a cozy booth in a dimly lit bar/cafe in Soho until the early hours of the morning.

On paper it sounds good. But this is where I begin to feel - anxious? Tense?? Self-conscious??? I haven't had much experience with other guys. Yet this guy I met is about ten years older than me, and my lack of experience suddenly makes me feel very self-conscious.

Also, I like him a lot, but I don't want to sleep with him. Not yet. I like him, he's a great kisser, we get along great, but I don't feel like I want to throw him up against a wall and have raw hot sex with them.

What I want to ask is - has this happened to you? Is it common? To meet a guy, like them a lot, but NOT want to sleep with them, at least not straight away?

Thanks - I LOVE your blog. I've been trawling through the archives for a couple hours now.

In case anyone is wondering, that wasn't the email which inspired the title of this post, so read on! At the time that I received the email, I didn't have time to do full "Dear GB" posting, so I ended up answering the email in private. I told him that I thought his reticence was probably just related to his lack of experience. I suggested that he simply come clean about the situation with the guy in question, because telling the guy that he doesn't have much experience would take the pressure off. After all, everyone has to have their first time, and everyone who's had their first time knows how daunting it can be! In response to my advice, the reader sent me an email to thank me for my speedy reply :-).

However, about a month later, he sent me another email as follows:

Dear GB,

I just had a little question, a general musing if you will.

I only came out a few months ago and I've made a few gay friends actually and they are pretty good people! To be honest they are the kind of people I would have been friends with anyway, so it's quite good really.

Anyway, I noticed before I came out, or even thought about going to gay clubs or bars, I always had a 'type' in my head that I was attracted to. Not a very specific physical type, but a type nonetheless.

What I've noticed though, is that when I go out and end up meeting new people, I end up getting with them. Is this normal? Do you end up getting with most of the people you meet? Is it just a way of being friendly?

I'm pretty sure it isn't some kind of subconscious desire to just find any guy and settle down.. when I get drunk I never think like that, and I don't pull anyone, I have been attracted to the guys I've got with, but if I hadn't talked with them and gotten to know them, the thought of pulling them wouldn't have even crossed my mind!

So my question is - is it quite normal to get with guys you've only recently met, once you get to know them?

I realise my question is probably quite bizarre...

I found myself wondering, what on earth happened to this guy in between the first email and the second email :-)? On the face of it, it scarcely seems possible for a guy who seemed so shy to suddenly be sleeping with every nice that guy he meets!

However, much the same thing happened to me. I came out quite late, and was certainly a bit shy at first, but once I'd worked out how to meet guys and get them into bed there was no stopping me! I reckon that one of the good things about being gay is that one can have lots and lots of guilt free sex :-). Although straight guys are just has horny, my straight friends tell me it's usually much harder to find like-thinking women.

In the past, I've heard guys talk about sex in the early stages of friendships between gay men as "getting it out of the way". I think the idea is that it can help the two guys understand each other better, and also help them work out whether there's any potential for a relationship. I've certainly built some very good friendships with guys who I went to bed just after I got to know them. In most cases, we only went to bed once, and the friendship developed after that :-).

I've said before that I think that sleeping with lots of guys is a good way of looking for a boyfriend. It's not clear whether this reader is looking for a boyfriend or not, because he seems quite happy making lots of friends with benefits :-). But at some point he probably will want to try and find himself a nice boyfriend. Before he gets to that stage, he should be careful in case any of his new friends become keen on him for a potential relationship, because it's a good idea to avoid hurting people's feelings. Similarly the other way round, because if he's attracted to any of the guys that he sleeps with, they may well not want anything apart form no-strings fun so more than that might not be possible.

The reader asked whether his behaviour is 'normal' or not. Which kind of means that he's effectively asking whether my behaviour is 'normal'! Whatever the answer to that question is, I think that the reader is in good company :-).

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

A pic from a recent holiday

2011-10-16T18:35:00.005+01:00

Last month, I was on holiday with boyfriend T, and when we arrived at seaside town I spotted a little feature on the side of a nearby hill. It almost seemed like they knew I was coming!

Email from a gay guy in love with a childhood friend

2011-09-05T08:00:00.000+01:00

A couple of months ago, I received the following email from a loyal reader:

Dear GB,

I've been following your blog since the very start.

Now I decided to write to you because I've been so much appreciative of your wise replies.

I'm a European man, aged 30. I've known a guy since we both were 11.

He is gay but, at the time, neither of us knew it. We absolutely adored one another (and still do) so we were acting like boyfriends, although, of course, no sex was involved.

Subsequently he fell in love with someone else, and then, when he was 21, he moved to another city, where he found another partner with whom he now lives.

Still, we kept being friends, and I mean really close, really intimate friends, getting constantly in touch with each other through the Internet and in real life.

Nothing sexual ever happened between us since he is in a faithful relationship, but I know he likes me and it's not something just physical.

I think we both know we are, like, soul partners, but we now live so far away (500 miles) and moreover, like I said, he's got a b/f.

I just can't let it go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Do you think that maybe one day we could end up together?

Having read this email, my initial thoughts were that the reader was wasting his life by pinning all his hopes for happiness on becoming boyfriends with his old childhood friend, which wasn't very likely. So I sent him an email, in which I suggested that his best course of action might involve finding himself his own boyfriend. Within a couple of says he'd sent me the following reply:

Hi GB,

I did find my own b/f throughout these years. I had a several year relationship which ended some years ago. I did love my b/f, at the time. But, as you can see, this occurrence did not tarnish my feelings for my friend; as soon as I was single again and the sadness for the ended relationship passed, I kept dreaming of him.

I don't rule out finding someone else - again. It's just that I still hope that something happens, one day, with my friend of a lifetime. It's my little, innocent dream. Something sexual? I wouldn't say no. A relationship? Yeah, I'd definitely give it a try. Even if it doesn't work, I know we'll always be in each other's lives.

My question to you was: do you think this may happen? After all, he finds me very attractive. :)

Thanks, GB. I'll be waiting for your reply ;)

At the time, there were a few other "Dear GB" emails to be posted before this reader's email, so I wasn't able to didn't get round to answering his queries immediately. A few weeks went by, and then I received another email from him which was as follows:

A quick update for you, G.B. - I really hope I'm not bothering too much.

My childhood friend, and his b/f almost split up a week ago. He didn't tell me anything but I got to know the news reading his blog (he doesn't know that I found it out!)

At that point, I noticed he started to share suggestive jokes with me and I'm sure he was about to move our friendship to another level; but, very soon after, they reconciled and he went back to his former friendly behaviour.

It wasn't much of a change but, you know, the timing with his private happenings was just perfect. So now I know, almost for sure, I must be his second choice. Wow!

Thanks for reading

xxx

In my reply, I warned him to be careful, because it's very hard for people in his position to be objective. In that kind of situation, whatever the news, people will often find a way of interpreting it so that they hear what they want to hear.

Thinking about his situation a bit more, I'm quite worried that the reader appears to be stalking his friend. The fact that he's worked out that his friend has a blog and is reading it behind his friend's back is strong evidence of this. With that state of mine, I feel that nothing good can come out of this state of affairs. So I think the first thing that the reader should do is to find a way of telling his friend that he knows about his blog. Close friends shouldn't keep those sorts of secrets from each other, and that's even truer of two boyfriends.

I also think the reader has made some dangerous assumptions about his friendship with this old friend. In particular, it's dangerous to assume that they would remain friends if they tried a relationship and it failed. When he reads that, no doubt the reader will say to himself that such a thing couldn't happen, because he wouldn't let the relationship fail and even if it did they couldn't possibly lose their friendship. But his love for his friend means that he can't be objective. Those things certainly are possible.

Even if his old friend does split up with his boyfriend again, it might be better to remain close friends instead of becoming boyfriends. Emotionally, the reader's life would be much richer if he has both this old friend of his to rely on as well as his own boyfriend to love. Pursuing a relationship with his old friend is dangerous in the sense that he's "putting all his eggs in one basket".

The reader needs to be careful in other ways too. He should certainly avoid being the cause of his a split between his friend and his friend's boyfriend, because if his friend then got back together with his boyfriend it might sour his old friendship. Something else which might cause their friendship to sour is if the friend discovers the reader's current obsession for him, and the fact that the reader has been reading his friend's blog.

Overall, it seems to me that the reader's current fixation on his friend is very unhealthy and could get worse. I think it makes a relationship between the two of them much more likely to fail, if it ever becomes possible. So I'm convinced that the reader's best course of action is to find a way of curing his obsession, so that he can get on with own life and try and find his own boyfriend. Telling his friend that he's found his blog would be a good start. Then if the reader is following his own path and his friend does become available for a relationship, the reader will be in a much better position to make it work if he chooses to go down that route. But it seems to me that ending this obsession and focusing on other guys is the thing to start doing right now.

Do any other readers have any thoughts about this situation?

Email from a guy who's keen on his best friend

2011-08-10T19:32:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago, I got the following email from a new reader:

Dear GB,

I'm newly acquainted to your blog, but from what I've seen so far, your guidance and solutions are marvellous. That is why I'm seeking your help. You see, I have a typical story. I'm in love with my best friend. I'm 18, short, and a bit shy and feeble. He sees me more of a playful little brother. He's smart, sweet, clever, a bit devious, and caring, even to a point where he deals with my annoying antics. My friend has a girlfriend, and not to be rude, but she is completely wrong for him. First off she lied to him in the start for impersonating a guy. Then my friend worries about her to death. From drugs and alcohol to being jealous of her friends, and because of the distance he feels so helpless. The problems are all in his head, plus he's obsessed with her and can go on for hours in detail about her. I'm glad he can show such passion for this but how can I convince him that she's no good and that he'd be better off with me?

Sincerely, a smitten friend from afar.

When I first read the email, the reader's situation seemed quite clear, because it reminded me of the way I felt about some of my best male friends when I was his age. So it was clear to me that he was a young gay guy who had a crush on one of his straight friends. That's never a good idea, because those situations usually end badly, often with a loss of friendship.

However, the reader clearly wasn't thinking along those lines. To help him come to terms with the situation, I sent him an email in which I suggested that the title of this post should be "Email from a guy with a crush on his best friend". Within a couple of days he replied, saying that he wasn't sure yet what an appropriate title would be. The good thing about that comment is that he'd clearly started thinking about whether he did have a crush on his friend or not. I responded by saying that although I'd use the word "keen" rather than "crush", the original title might be closer to the truth. I went on to suggest that he should start thinking about how to find himself a nice boyfriend, in case the situation with his friend didn't work out.

The description that the reader gives of his friend, and especially the fact that his friend worries about his girlfriend, strongly suggests to me that his friend is straight. So the honest truth is that I see little hope that the reader and his friend might become boyfriends. However, although the reader doesn't mention it, my best guess is that the reader hasn't come out to his best friend yet. If the reader feels comfortable with his sexuality, then I think he should come out to his friend. The way the friend reacts should then guide the reader in terms of whether his friend really is straight or not. Then even if the friend is straight, with everything out in the open, it seems likely that at least the two of them will remain friends.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy with a 'Type A' personality

2011-07-18T08:09:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB

I'm 21 years old and I'm gay. I have been out of the closet for almost 3 years now. I'm a full time student in London, but also need to work full time as I have a small but time consuming PR company. I'm a classic type A personality and am 95% extremely satisfied with my life to now.

But I could really do with your advice about sex and sentimentality.

I've tried relationships a few times in the past but they're not for me - they consume too much time and energy and generally I end up resenting and disliking the person I'm dating very quickly.

Cruising, one night stands and plain old sex is way easier and much less complicated. So over the last 3 or so years that's what I've done - and I've tallied up an impressive count of notches on my bed post in doing so.

Up until recently I never minded this - I always maintained that I was simply liberated and could do what I pleased with whom I pleased. However over the last 4 months or so I have started to have severe doubts and insecurities about my sex life.

In some of your earlier posts you talk about hugging and comforting complete strangers with whom you've had sex - the story about the guy whose boyfriend left him to live with the lesbian mother of his child comes to mind. To a lot of people this would seem normal, kind and compassionate. To me it's alien and disconcerting. I don't even like to make eye contact with the person I'm having sex with - it seems way too intimate to me. I can't bear the thought of actually hugging them.

I've been able to have great interactions with people based on sex. Equally I've been able to have great interactions with people based on my sentiment towards them. But I've never experienced them both within the same relationship.

I'm worried that I seem so incapable of forging any connection with a potential suitor other than sexually. Whilst I'm content to sleep around at 21 I doubt I'll be happy to try and do so at 51.

I don't think I'm emotionally closed off or anything - I make new friends very easily and have a very open relationship with them. This is the only thing I just can't seem to get to grips with.

Do you have any advice GB? Am I just reading too much into it? Please don't let me become the guy in the corner of the club who looks like he used to be hot, but now just creeps the fuck out of everyone.

Thanks.

The impression that I get from this reader's email is that he is indeed a 100%++ type A personality. Although I think that the type A versus type B personality theory is too narrow to be taken seriously, it's clear to me from his email that the idea of a type A person was almost designed to describe this reader! The title of the email that he sent me was "sex and sentimentality", a perfect title for what he had to say, and the contents of the email are also perfectly focussed on describing his issue with a view to getting some help. And his last paragraph, painting a picture of what might become of him, was an amusing way to end the email :-).

The first thing to say is that I'm worried in case the reader needs professional help. Although he says that he doesn't think he's emotionally closed off, and that he makes new friends very easily, it could be that a lot of those friendships are quite shallow. Or given his type A personality, perhaps he only makes friends when he thinks that the person will be of some use to him. Indeed, the lack of emotional connection with people that he has sex with seems a bit extreme to me. As a banker, I myself am far more of a type A person than a type B person, but nonetheless I feel emotionally connected with other people far more than this reader does. As a result, I find the reader's behaviour hard to understand. So it's possible that he should talk things through with a psychologist, e.g. it could actually be one of those situations where there's something in his childhood that makes him behave like this. That's all the more true if I'm wrong and that his friendships are not shallow or not usually related to how useful the person may be to him, because that makes his feelings about his sexual partners even harder to understand.

It's true, though, that this lack of a broader interest in one's sexual partners is not exactly unknown when it comes to gay men hooking up with each other. My post titled 'Do you have sex or make love?' discussed that, and pointed out that even before online cruising, guys were still connecting with each other based only on finding another gay guy who could play the right role (e.g. top or bottom, etc). However, as the reader suggests, I'm sure that it is the guys who stay in that mode for too long who end up being the creepy guys in gay bars and clubs.

Some aspects of what I wrote when I got an email from a gay guy who works in the City might be applicable to this reader. Looking at Maslow's pyramid, it seems to me that at the moment this reader is near the bottom of the pyramid, focussing on safety issues. He could be so completely driven to succeed in his studies and with his PR company that he simply has no mental bandwidth for deep emotional connections and relationships. If so, when at some stage he feels secure enough to start trying to move one level up the pyramid to the love/belonging tier, then it's possible that his problem will correct itself. Indeed, perhaps that's the reason that he sent me this email, because he does feel ready and because of his prior focus on career he's not sure how to go about it.

Something else that I said in the post for the gay guy who works in the City was that he should try and become more altruistic. That might help this reader too. If he could force himself to spend time helping other people in some way, then perhaps that may help him develop the emotional and compassionate side of his personality.

Looking at it another way, for the reader to have a PR company when he's only 21 years old and still a student seems quite exceptional to me. Perhaps his problem with relationships is simply the flip side of what he's been able to achieve elsewhere in his life. To some extent the business world where achievement is everything is quite cutthroat and ruthless, so maybe he just finds it hard to turn that side of his personality off when it comes to boyfriends and relationships. To a hard headed businessman it might like seem like a waste of effort putting energy into caring about another person, but as one's life progresses and one suffers occasional setbacks, having a boyfriend who really cares about you and who can help you recover is priceless.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

GMFA's Sexual Health Messaging Service in the UK

2011-07-03T20:22:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago, I got an email from GMFA about a relatively new service that they've introduced to help fight sexually transmitted diseases. The idea is that if a sexual partner from your recent past is diagnosed with something, the service helps you get notified so that you can get tested too. Full details can be found on the GMFA Sexual Health Messaging Service web page.

An interesting part of the service is that you can get these notifications through some of the cruising web sites, in particular fitlads, gaydar, recon and manhunt. However, the first three of those will only send these notification messages if such messages are enabled, so I would suggest that anyone using those web sites should enable the messages right away.

Looking at the list of web sites though, I can't help wondering why ALL the gay dating web sites haven't signed up to this? Grindr and gay.com in particular are conspicuous by their absence!

Email from a guy who wants a relationship without sex

2011-07-01T19:09:00.001+01:00

About four weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

First of all, let me say that your blog is really great. It's good to see such advice in one place without all the regular nonsense mixed in. I have been reading through all of your posts, they have helped me a bit, but I have a question I was wondering if you would know more about.

My question to you would be: Is there a way of finding out if a person is interested in a long term relationship without sex?

I'm 20 and I identify as Asexual. I am one of the homoromantic types; I like other guys but not on a sexual attraction, if that makes sense? I like the look of some, and I would like to be in a relationship with one, but I just don't do sex. Masturbation is my limit I guess. My problem is that I meet a guy that I like, but then pretty much every time it ends in a messy way when they find out I do not want to have sex. I have tried so many approaches: I have just gone with the flow (which ends with the person normally getting bored with me), I have told them I am asexual during the initial meetings (most don't know what that is, or just say that I am in denial), I have also tried stating that I do not want sex early on, which never works as it either scares the other person away as it sounds like I think they just want sex when they are not, or they do just want sex and a fling.

I have read through your posts but have seen nothing that helps me in this situation. I have read the post "Is it really possible to be an asexual human being?". Although I'm happy that most that you know have ended up away from asexuality, for me I am living in the present and was wandering if you have any advice for me? Like is there a good way of having the no sex conversation and at what stage? Are there any signs to look out for that show that a person is just after casual sex when seeing them in person? My experience of the gay scene is limited. I have had no good experiences of it unfortunately. I'm also pretty rubbish at spotting a gay person or making it known that I like the look of someone; although what you have written about body language and eye contact has helped! Online attempts at finding someone also do not work for me. I guess I just sound too boring!

I really hope you can offer some advice!

I found this email fascinating because I've never thought about asexuality properly before. The point of the post about asexuality that the reader mentions was that all the people that I knew who seemed asexual were in reality just gay guys who hadn't yet come out. However, this reader doesn't seem to have a problem being gay because he's clearly tried dating other guys, so he's in a different category to the 'asexual' guys that I knew. Furthermore, the way that the email is written leaves me in no doubt that the reader is being sincere.

Unfortunately, I don't have much idea how to help this reader. All the guys that I've ever known who go on dates with other guys have wanted sex to be part of any resulting relationship, and often the sex is all they want! I certainly don't think there's any way of finding out if someone would be happy to be in a relationship without sex without a discussion on the subject, not unless they've said so in e.g. their online profile somewhere. The problem is that for every guy that I've ever known, apart from this reader, sex in a relationship is like breathing and eating. It's a natural part of life, and completely mandatory. My best guess is that there are very few guys in the world who are like this reader :-(.

I asked boyfriend T what he thought, although he wasn't very helpful:

"I've had a reader write to me and ask how he can find a gay relationship that doesn't involve sex," I ask, "do you think that's possible?"

"I've never heard of such a thing," answers boyfriend T, sounding quite surprised, "sex is a basic human need."

"But this reader is sure that he's asexual, apart from wanking on his own. He really does want a relationship without sex."

"If you ask me," replies boyfriend T, "he just hasn't met the right guy yet!"

I can't help wondering whether the reader's asexuality is just some kind of irrational fear, because if so, overcoming it would another solution for the reader. I've had a few irrational fears in my time, the biggest of which was fear of water and drowning, which for many years prevented me from learning how to swim. However, recently with boyfriend T's help I did learn how to swim, although I'm still not particularly comfortable in the water.

My only thought that might help the reader directly would be for him to advertise for an asexual relationship. So if he's looking for guys to date online then he should specify his preference on his profile. He could do the same if he ever uses personal ads in magazines. However, I don't think it's much of a solution for him because most guys want sex, so the most likely result of that strategy is that no one ever contacts him.

Does anyone else have any constructive thoughts that might really help this reader?

Update 3-Jul-2011: At the London gay pride event yesterday, I picked up a leaflet with the following two links that are relevant to Asexuality:
International Asexual Awareness week (facebook page)
Asexuality.org

Relationships with bisexual men: a cautionary tale

2011-06-01T07:33:00.001+01:00

I recently received an update from a reader who emailed me for advice almost 4 years ago. She had been living with a guy who had confided to her that he was bisexual, although he said that he hadn't acted on his feelings for men, and that he wanted a relationship with her. At the time, because of the details of their situation, neither I nor most of the readers who left comments thought that continuing a relationship with him would be a good idea. Her recent email was as follows:

Dear GB,

It's been four years since you last wrote to me and I just want to update you on what happened.

Against your advice, we still maintained the relationship because I really loved him. We recently celebrated our 6th year as a couple. During those years, I thought we were as happy as we could be. Our sexual life diminished somewhat and sometimes deep in my heart I knew that lacking passion for each other wasn't right; but barring that, we had a steady, happy relationship. I was even expecting a marriage proposal sometime this year.

However, just last night, he confessed that he couldn't control his feelings for other men any longer. He is slowly starting to accept the fact that he may be a homosexual. We've finally broken up for good, but we ended things well and are still friends. It may be 4 years too late; but at least now I am finally free to look for a man who will completely and fully love me, and he can learn to accept his real self and be truly happy.

I just want to tell you and those kind hearted people who commented on the blog that you were right. A person should be free to explore his/her true self, no matter what. I'm sorry I didn't take your advice sooner; I was blinded by love. I hope that other readers who are in the same situation will take a look at my experience and learn from it. :)

Thanks so much for giving me the advice. I reread it now and it still strikes a chord within me.

You may be thousands of miles away, but know that you have really helped changed my life. :)

Have a great day!

Lots of love,

I take no joy in finding out that our advice turned out to be correct. Anyway, let's all wish her the very best of luck in finding a nice heterosexual man who can give her the love and devotion that she deserves.

Sharing one's life with a partner

2011-05-22T09:55:00.000+01:00

I recently suggested to a friend that one of the purposes of a gay relationship was to share one's life with someone else. I was surprised to hear his response, which was that to start out with any purpose like that was prejudging what might happen, and hence inviting failure. He seemed to suggest that perhaps the starting point could be love, but nothing beyond that. For straight couples, one of the reasons for a relationship can be to have children, but for gay couples that reason doesn't really apply.

I've written before about how gay relationships should be constructed (1, 2), but those posts were more from the point of view of whether relationships need to be monogamous or not. I think that when I wrote those posts, I was assuming a situation where two gay guys do want to share their lives with each other, so that isn't the issue.

If a gay "relationship" is purely based on sex, then I reckon the two guys are fuckbuddies rather than boyfriends or partners. For two gay guys that call themselves partners, surely the idea of sharing one's life with the other guy is fundamental?

Email from a guy who's met the man of his dreams

2011-05-20T08:14:00.001+01:00

Right at the end of last month, the day before the royal wedding, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I just read your latest post about the 20 year old guy and felt compelled to write to you for advice, as I really related to his situation and thought you might be able to help me too.

While my situation is similar to his, it is slightly more complicated I think, mainly because I am even more inexperienced than him! I'm 24 and the only ever sexual experience I've had is a mutual wank with a guy in a sauna last year. Sad I know!

That said, I've had a bit of a tough time with the whole gay thing growing up, but I feel like I've turned a corner now and I'm ready to move on and build a gay life for myself. The only problem is, because I've left things so long I feel really behind everybody else in terms of sex and that makes me really nervous and insecure.

This has all become an issue in the last month for me, as I've recently met an AMAZING guy who I've been on a few dates with. And when I say amazing I'm really not exaggerating! I still can't believe I've met someone like him and I can't believe he's even interested in me. He's a few years older than me, incredibly successful in his career (in the sort of way that is both impressive and inspiring because he's done a lot for the progression of gay rights), and he's BEAUTIFUL. He's almost the man of my dreams, something that just a few months ago I never thought existed.

We've been on 3 unbelievable dates so far, all of which have ended up with us being the last people left in the restaurant, and 2 of which have ended up with hour long making out sessions on the street outside :-). While we have very nearly ended up rushing off to bed, we haven't quite made it there yet for one reason or another, and the more I get to know him the more reluctant I am to get into bed with him. He is such an amazing person that I am really worried about doing something that will jeopardize any possible friendship. But then life is also short so I think maybe I should just take the risk and go for it.

The main problem I think has to do with my insecurities. He obviously finds me attractive (he's said as much) but I worry he will be less impressed once in bed. He has been with a lot of guys (really hot ones too) so I feel like I have a lot to live up to. I consider myself a bottom and I've established that he's more of a top (although versatile) so that more or less fits. But I also get the impression that he's a bit of a cock man, as he's always joking about cocks and how they're never big enough. He himself has told me that his is 8 inches and quite thick! I on the other hand am fairly average (about 6 inches) and not particularly thick (I don't think). I've never really worried about it in the past, as I've always thought of myself as a bottom and am not really that fussed about getting blow jobs or fucking guys (I prefer to give and take respectively!) But I'm really worried now that if we do get into bed, I will (a) look really small next to him, and (b) he will be disappointed and not want to sleep with me again, and then I reckon it would just be too awkward to be friends after that.

He knows it's my first time and he thinks we should take things slow. I've also hinted that I'm not as big as him down there but I'm not sure he quite realizes my concerns.

What do you think I should do? Risk it and go for it; or back out while I can and potentially end up with a great friend? Is cock size always so important in gay sex?

To finish off I just wanted to say how much I love your blog. It has really helped me over the years and inspired me to start my own (although it is nothing compared to yours!)

Thanks and hope you're well.

It's always really good to get an email like this which says that someone has found my blog useful :-). I just wish that I had more time, so that I could blog as frequently as I used to.

When I first got this reader's email, I knew that it would be a while before I could do a blog posting for him, so I wrote back with a few bits of advice. One thing that occurred to me was that this reader seemed quite well placed to solve his own problems, because he's very self-aware. Statements like "The main problem [is] to do with my insecurities" are spot on. In this kind of situation, recognising the problem is a significant part of the solution :-).

The first thing that I told the reader was that it's quite understandable for someone in his position to be insecure, and that he just needs to build a little bit of confidence. I also said that it's not "sad" that he's had virtually no experience of sex, it's just the way that his life has worked out so far. In fact, I was a few years older than him before I had my first experiences and for much the same reason, namely that I also had a "tough time with the whole gay thing" before I finally came out.

The reader's dream guy sounds wonderful! What's more, if this guy has done stuff for the progression of gay rights, then he's bound to understand that it takes some people much longer than others to come out as gay. Indeed, someone like that should be very understanding of all the reader's issues. The fact that the reader is slightly new to gay life could well be one of the things that this guy finds the reader attractive.

Regarding the reader's concerns about dick size, I told him that in my experience lots of gay men (including me) joke it! However for most guys (again including me) it's just that, i.e. it's simply joking and fooling around. The reality is that in a real bedroom situation most gay guys really don't care. Of course there are "size queens", i.e. guys who really do want big cocks, but those types of guys are usually very shallow. I'd be amazed if the reader's dream guy is like that, but if he is, I'd suggested that he wouldn't be worth the reader's time after all. Someone like the reader who can write an eloquent email will be able to find much more suitable guys for fun and relationships :-).

In fact, size queens are usually bottoms who want a big cock inside them. I reckon that tops, and hence presumably the reader's dream guy, are much less concerned with cock size. If tops want to be shallow they're looking for tight arses!

Perhaps the most important point that I made to the reader was that he shouldn't back out, because he'll then only have the same problems with the next guy that he likes. All he needs is a bit of confidence, and if he always settles for friendship he'll never start building it. On the contrary, I told him that he should try and his man into bed as soon as possible, because activities with like-minded guys are great fun :-).

After I'd emailed this reader to give him my initial thoughts, within a day I'd received his reply thanking me. I then didn't email him until a few days ago, when I asked him if there had been any developments that I should take account of while I was writing my blog post. His reply was as follows:

Hi GB!

Things have got very complicated with the love of my life unfortunately. He is incredibly busy at the moment with different business projects that we have only managed to see each other once since I last wrote to you! :-( We did have a good chat though and established how much we both like each other. And he reiterated that he is very cautious not to rush into anything, as apparently he has been hurt in the past.

While we were in fairly regular text contact I still thought that it was getting a bit ridiculous at how little we were seeing each other so I ended up telling him off last week. I think I do believe him when he says he is just so busy at the moment but I also can't help but feel that he may be playing the field as well, which makes me feel stupid because I am being so good! I told him this and his reply was that he feels bad I feel stupid and that I shouldn't wait for him while he is so busy. He has since gone even more quiet although he does still reply to my texts in a nice way.

Anyway, I have been doing major damage control. The whole saga has made me look objectively at our friendship/relationship and decide what is really important to me. And so I wrote him a LONG email today outlining what that was - basically in a nutshell I said that having him as a friend is by far the most important thing to me because I find him so inspiring. Anything extra would be a bonus and is up to him. I am awaiting the reply but I think what might happen is that we will continue down the friend route for now. I think he is incredibly special though so I do still want him to be my first sexual encounter. Who know what will happen but I reckon if we decide that a relationship is not in our best interests he might still be willing to show me the ropes sex wise in a sort of friends with benefits way? I'm just speculating though although if that were to happen then my original concerns from my first email would still stand - i.e. is cock size really that important?

In my experience, if someone seems to be going much slower than someone else in terms of starting a relationship, then it doesn't do any good to try and hurry them. Sometimes their lack of speed is simply trying to give a message that they're not as interested as they originally were. Furthermore, although they may say that they like someone a lot, subconsciously their thoughts may be slightly different. So it can be their subconscious mind that causes them to delay meetings, because they just know that something isn't quite right for them.

Regarding the reader, the guy is saying that he wants to go slow, and it sounds like the reader is trying to push him to go much faster. My guess is that it's been the reader that's been setting up all their meetings and starting all their txt msg conversations. I didn't realise it from the reader's first email, but it now sounds to me very much like the reader has a big crush on this guy. The guy on the receiving end has probably been feeling that the reader is far too keen, far too intense about a possible relationship, so I'm not at all surprised to hear that the guy has been even more quiet recently.

When meeting guys for dates, I reckon that the golden rule is always to be cool. Given that these two guys don't have a relationship, to me it sounds very uncool for the reader to complain to the other guy about his behaviour. It also sounds very uncool to write him a long email.

So what should the reader do now? Unfortunately I reckon that he needs to start getting over this guy, because I think it's unlikely that the guy will want to have much to do with the reader in the future. The only way to salvage the situation might be to have no contact for a couple of months or more, and then to send a very short txt msg, apologising for being too intense previously. And if instead the other guy contacts the reader before the reader contacts him, then the reader should leave it at least a few hours before replying, and play it cool and casual when he does reply.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

UK referendum on the Alternative Vote system

2011-05-05T07:47:00.005+01:00

The arguments for "Yes" in the UK referendum on the Alternative Vote system are much less stupid and the arguments for "No", which frankly insult my intelligence :-(. Even worse are the hypocritical arguments of the conservative and labour parties for a No vote, when they use the Alternative Vote system to elect their own leaders!

A royal wedding party

2011-05-03T08:09:00.001+01:00

"So," I ask, smiling cheekily at the three guys that I'm chatting to, "are you all homosexuals?"

I'm at a Royal Wedding party that's being hosted by my colleague P and his boyfriend D. Outside on the balcony, and slightly away from the main party, I'm chatting to D and two of his friends who're called S and G.

"We're all gay, GB!" answers D, laughing at my use of the rather clinical word 'homosexual'.

"Are you a 'homosexual' then?" asks S, who's the youngest guy in the group. S has a slightly irritated tone in his voice.

"Yes of course!" I answer casually, "In case you're in any doubt, that's my boyfriend over there :-)."

I point inside, through the balcony windows, to boyfriend T who's talking to my colleague P.

"Actually I'm Bi," says S, "I like both men and women :-)."

On hearing this, both D and G shakes their heads, laughing in protest.

"I think he means that he likes both cock AND dick!" says G with a big grin on his face.

"But I slept with a woman a couple of months ago," replies S indignantly.

"What about that Irish guy you told us about last week?" asks D.

"And wasn't it a Polish guy the week before that?" asks G.

"If you must know, I slept with my female cousin!" answers S, without denying either the Irish or the Polish guy, "It was OK with her, but I'm interested in men as well."

"What was her pussy like then?" I ask, mildly curious to know how far S went with his cousin.

"Actually she was clean," says S with a matter of fact tone in his voice, "She didn't taste of fish or anything like that."

"Urrgh S," says D with a grimace on his face, "you didn't actually ..."

"Well I thought she'd suck me off, so I started by doing it for her, but actually she wasn't up for that."

"Anyway," continues S, "I don't have a problem with gay or straight. In fact my father's gay."

This isn't news to D or G, but I'm taken aback by the statement.

"Wow," I reply, "I didn't expect you to say that!"

As S starts to tell me a bit about his background, the other two guys walk off the balcony and inside the apartment to refill their Champagne glasses. After a few minutes I notice that S's hand has very slowly moved up against mine on the balcony rail that we're both holding. I glance at him quickly, before moving my hand slightly away from his.

"So," starts S suggestively, catching my eye, "do you like young boys?"

Of course I most definitely do NOT like young boys, but in fact S is clearly referring to himself.

"Not too young," I say laughing, "I don't know about you, but I like my guys to be fully developed :-)".

"Well indeed," he says, looking me in the eye again, and then looking me up and down, "Actually, I've been trying to work out how, um, big you are from the size of your fingers :-)."

Although S is an attractive guy, I've been happily loyal to boyfriend T for well over a year now, ever since I got back from Thailand at the start of 2010.

"Thanks :-)," I reply to S, "but as I said, my boyfriend is next door, have you met him yet?"

Just then, D comes back out onto the balcony to rejoin the conversation, Champagne bottle in one hand and a full glass in the other.

"Have you seen my boyfriend around?" I ask D, wondering whether I should introduce S to boyfriend T, or whether that'll simply encourage S to push for a threesome. But before D can answer, S makes his excuses and moves back inside the apartment, looking mildly upset that I seem impervious to his boyish charms.

"Just now," I whisper quietly to D, "S was trying to chat me up!"

"Doesn't surprise me," replies D, refilling my glass, "Ever since he arrived in London, S has been with one guy after another. And if you believe what he said earlier, he's been with girls too!"

"Actually, although S doesn't know it," continues D, "I slept with his father before I came to London, and ..."

On hearing this I collapse into almost hysterical laughter. I feel like I'm living in some hyper-gay world, where everyone has some kind of sexual connection to everyone else, and nothing is quite what it seems. I'm about to ask D whether, in his experience, S or S's father is better in bed when a couple of other guys come out onto the balcony to see why I'm laughing so much.

"What's so funny, GB?" asks one of them.

Before I can answer, D has diplomatically changed the subject and a semblance of normality manages to assert itself. No doubt S's mother has some unusual sexual connection to G or perhaps even with boyfriend T, but discovering exactly what that connection is will have to wait!

Email from a 20yo gay guy

2011-04-25T19:08:00.000+01:00

About a week ago I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I stumbled upon your blog earlier today and I think it's fantastic that someone has sound, wholesome advice to offer to young gay men. That said, I have a few questions of my own! I'm 20 years old and a junior in college. I came out five years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school, but didn't have many gay friends or any sexual/romantic experience at all with men until I came to university. In my time here, I've done a good deal of fooling around and I spent a decent portion of my freshman year in a sexual relationship with someone that I hoped would turn into something more substantial but never did. Despite all of this, I still haven't had anal sex because I want my first time, whether it's as a top or a bottom, to be within a relationship. The extent of my sexual experience at this point only includes oral sex.

Now, for the first time, I am actually dating someone worthwhile, and not just going on one date and then acting like we're in a serious relationship or going on one date and then hooking up (things that I've done in the past), but really, legitimately just moving slowly, getting to know the other person, and not taking it to the sexual level yet. In a lot of ways, my situation is ideal. I'm young, I'm having a healthy experience, and I've been careful in my life thus far, so I haven't really been jaded by a bad relationship yet. However, the grass is always greener on the other side and sometimes, it's hard to remember that 20 is young. There are days when I feel as though that's very old for someone to be relatively inexperienced in the area of sex and relationships, especially for a gay man who's been out for five years. I don't want to push things with my new flame, as we've only been dating for a few weeks and when the semester ends in another two or three weeks, he'll be headed home for the summer, about 12 hours away from where I live, so things will sort of be on hold until school starts up again in September (if we're still interested in each other by the time he comes back). Meanwhile, I often feel that peer pressure to just have sex already, whether it's with him or with someone else. My friends are understanding of my situation and have a lot of respect for me wanting to wait until it's with someone who cares about me, but sometimes I feel like the odd man out because it's an experience I haven't had yet. It's something that I'm eager to explore, but I'm intimidated. Sexual relations are an emotional thing for me and anal sex can be especially scary for first-timers, or so it seems from my perspective! :o

In any event, I'm just wondering what your advice might to be to someone in my situation, and if I'm doing the right things?

Thanks!

Having read this new reader's email, I couldn't help thinking how level headed he is for a 20 year old guy :-). He doesn't seem to have any problems being gay, he's realises that he's still quite young, and his queries about sex and relationships are very rational.

When it comes to sex, some gay guys seem to think that if there's no arse fucking then it's not sex. However, I've never held that view. My definition of gay sex would be any activity between two or more guys where one or more of the guys cums. With that definition, I'm sure that this guy must have had lots of sex already! After all, I feel sure that as well as oral sex, his experience is likely to include mutual masturbation :-).

I've always felt that the fact that I enjoy sexual activities with other guys isn't the thing that makes me gay. Straight guys in all-male environments such as prisons may indulge in various forms of gay sex simply because they want sex, not because they're gay. For me, the thing that means that I'm gay is the fact that I fall in love with other guys. When that happens, and if my feelings are reciprocated, then I want to spend lots of time with them as well as get into intimate situations with them! In a loving gay relationship, there are so many ways of expressing that love that a narrow definition of sex that focuses on anal sex seems quite inappropriate to me.

It's also true that some gay guys don't enjoy anal sex. For the guy who takes the role of bottom, it's the stimulation of his prostate that should give him pleasure. However, I've known a lot of gay guys who don't enjoy being fucked, so not everyone finds it pleasurable.

Having said all that, anal sex is a standard sexual activity for gay guys, so it makes sense for this reader to give it a go at some point because he may enjoy it :-). But I don't see that there's any rush, and I certainly don't think that he should feel compelled in any way to have anal sex if he doesn't want to. If he does try anal sex, then the most important thing to remember is that the top should wear a condom, because it's the riskiest kind of gay sex in terms of catching nasty diseases. Apart from that, it's vital that the bottom relaxes his arse muscles, otherwise he'll probably find it very painful!

In terms of this reader's potential boyfriend, I think that it's probably worth trying to engage him in some kind of sexual activity before the summer break. Sex (my definition!) is an important part of any gay relationship, and the longer that it doesn't happen, the more likely is that the two guys will end up as friends rather than boyfriends. Perhaps the reader has been avoiding sexual activity because the thinks that his potential boyfriend will automatically want anal sex, and as he said in his email, he's not sure that he wants to do anal sex yet? Whatever the situation, two boyfriends should be able to be honest with each other, and have mature conversations about these kind of issues. They should also be able to respect each other in terms of what kind of sex they both want to have. If not, then they're probably not compatible as boyfriends.

Do any other readers have any other thoughts that might help this guy?

Email from a young straight guy with gay friends

2011-03-20T10:55:00.001Z

A couple of weeks ago, a student sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm an 18 year old student, finishing up my final year or 'a' levels at a prestigious Catholic school. I know that might not be particularly relevant, but it does seem to make this seem more personal somehow.

Anyway, for the past seven years I've had the same group of friends that I've met at school, all of which are guys cause, well it's an all boys school. Anyway, it's my final year and it seems as though every one of them is 'coming out' and I couldn't be more okay with it. I'm Catholic myself so I don't judge and I do try to be very supportive.

One of the guys though, who recently came out to me, one day started to sort of come on to me and to be honest I was freaked but I didn't panic. I just told him that I didn't go that way and something else along those lines. He seemed to accept it and I thought all was fine.

After that though, my other friends from the same clique, confronted me and said that the same friend who had come on to me before thinks I'm definitely gay and is really upset at me cause I don't want to admit it and come out already.

I was truly shocked.

When I was younger, I had a friend and he and I fooled around a bit cause to be honest, I was really curious. It didn't go anywhere cause I couldn't be more sure that I'm not interested in guys. I'm concerned though that I'm giving off some type of gay vibe or something or maybe I'm acting gay. I'm really not sure. I'm pretty average to my knowledge. I don't have a girlfriend or anything but it more cause of the fact that any girl I like seems to not even want to be around me more than anything else. That's a different story though.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to approach the situation. I know that they all think I'm gay now and I'm not as concerned about that as I am about the signals I give off. If I was gay, I'd have come out already. My parents'd be cool with it. My friends would definitely be okay with it and I'm not one to care much about what people think of me.

It's really an eye-opener for me GB. Have my gay friends' attitudes rubbed off on me? I really don't think so. Do I act gay? Not to my knowledge (not that I act all macho and 'straight' or anything) but It's just got me thinking.

I really hope you respond to this. It'd be nice to see what you've got to say.

Hoping to hear from you soon. Till then, take care, and happy banking!

Yours

The straightforward way that this student approaches his situation makes me think that he is straight, and not deluded about his sexuality at all. In the past, most of the people who've contacted me for advice have been gay guys, so it's interesting to get an email from straight guy for a change.

The mostly likely explanation for what's happened is that the student's friend has had a crush on him. When someone has a crush on someone else, they'll fail to read the signals properly. Any behaviour on the part of the student that suggested that he's straight would have been interpreted as "Oh, he's just doing/saying that because he still wants to pretend that he's straight", and any friendly behaviour that the student's friend saw would have been interpreted as gay love. The subsequent behaviour, now that the student has told his friend that he is straight after all, is simply a reaction to fact that his love isn't reciprocated. I'd suggest that the student should avoid seeing his friend as much as possible, in an attempt to let him recover from his unrequited love, and hope that the passage of time will eventually repair their friendship.

Whether the student has picked up any gay characteristics is perhaps a more interesting question, and perhaps harder to work out. The fact that the student has a lot of gay friends suggests that he's very much the metrosexual, otherwise he wouldn't fit in with them. However, I'd say that it's a very good thing for a straight guy to be metrosexual :-). I've got two straight friends who I'd put in that category, and without doubt I'd say that they're the most successful of all my straight friends in terms of getting girlfriends, wives, mistresses and new girlfriends whenever they want. This makes me think that there's some truth in the idea that a metrosexual guy is more in touch with his feminine side, and that that makes him more attractive to women. So rather than fight against this trait, I'd suggest that instead he should embrace it.

In terms of this student's gay friends, the thing that would most help would be if he could somehow find himself a girlfriend. That would underline his assertion that he's straight. Doing something for the first time, in this case getting one's first girlfriend or boyfriend, is always much harder than doing it again on a subsequent occasion. The paradox is that one of the most attractive things to a potential girlfriend or boyfriend is confidence, but when one has never had a previous relationship it's hard to be confident because one has no experience. However, another attractive attribute is being cool. Given how unfazed this student is that all his male friends are gay, I'd imagine that he must be quite a cool character :-), so I'm sure that he'll be able to find himself a nice girlfriend eventually.

Finally, whether one is gay or straight, whenever someone (of either gender) expresses interest in you it's always a compliment. Receiving a compliment like that should always be a confidence booster. So perhaps if this student thinks of recent events in that frame of mind, it'll help him find a girlfriend :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts that might help this guy?

Tokyo travel blog from Mystery Blog Boy X

2011-03-07T06:59:00.001Z

A couple of weeks ago, a young Asian reader called X who lives in Melbourne started sending me almost daily emails to let me know what he was getting up to while on holiday in gay Tokyo. I found some of his emails quite amusing, and informative too for any gay reader who's thinking of visiting Tokyo themselves. So I've joined them all together into the single posting below.

Update 13-Mar-2011: this reader's visit to Tokyo occurred prior to the recent devastating Earthquake and Tsunami that's hit Japan. Doing a posting of this sort now would no longer be appropriate. However, a blog is a collection thoughts at specific points in time, so given that this posting was appropriate at the time it was originally published I intend to leave it here.

First day - Kaikan sauna

Just spent my first night in Tokyo. Initially I'm staying at this nice apartment hotel in Aoyama coz it's got the cute little alley ways like Covent Garden in London.

Went around the block, did the usual touristy things such as walking into 10,000 Japanese people all wearing black. Walking around lost and in awe. Trying to speak the language and giving up way too easily. You know, the usual.

So last night I decided to have some fun. Going by your post on the Shinjiku 2-chome area, it sounded simply too good for a gay tourist to pass up!

My first stop was at the famous 24 hr Kaikan sauna. The one with 7 storeys, although I didn't realise some were just private rooms. I'm an avid fan of Saunas and I've been to Chariots in Vauxhall, and the tiny one under the bridge in London which I've forgotten the name of. I always like to compare against the ones in Melbourne.

I have this silly grudge about Japanese boys and I think they are always stealing my men (heaps of white guys love Japanese boys), so I decided to see if I could pick up in a mostly Japanese boy environment. As I got to the counter, a Japanese boy who was leaving hit on me so it was a good sign. But inside, there were a lot of guys but no one was having sex. It kinda made sense, because the Japanese are so shy and reserved. But it's a sauna, so if they can't slut here then there is nowhere left LOL!

Out of nowhere walks this super hot European guy. Muscular, tall, handsome and our eyes met. I decided to keep walking. Turns out he was the only doable person there by a long shot (I'm into white guys). Long story short, he cruised me till we started making heaps of noise in a room and making all the Japanese boys jealous.

I left the sauna happy, knowing the hottest muscle stud expat chose me out of all the Japanese guys there. This gave me confidence that I too am hot, and need not feel threatened by Jap boys anymore!

Second day - HX Shinjuki

So today I went to HX Shinjuku. For those who don't know, HX is a cruise club for gay guys. They have this notorious entry code and heaps are rejected because the crowd is strictly hot boys and gmen, a type of muscle bear Jap guy. I went coz I was curious as to see if I could get in, and in I got with ease. What a great confidence boost!

Now I have never been here before, and boy was I surprised when it was naked only, no towels. I thank god though, I have a rockin body coz otherwise I'd be so uncomfortable. The crowd was indeed good looking. The hottest Jap guys go here, but I wasn't really interested coz I'm a potato queen. And the way they had sex was freaky. It was very quiet, no noise. And this is based on observations at both 24 hr Kaikan from last night and here. I'm still wondering why anyone is attracted to Jap boys?

Anyways, the only reason I was at HX is coz I was waiting for GB to get busy. It's now 9.40pm and there are like 4 white guys here. Clearly it could be better, so I'm spending some alone time doing this travel blog! What an antisocial way to pass the time LOL.

Japan makes me feel poor

When you come from a small town called Melbourne, life is simple and you get by on little. But here in Japan, there are so many nice things to tempt you. There are so many women with branded bags, and the department stores here are doing roaring sales. Way busier than back home. And I'm wondering why Japan is in an economic slump. Clearly someone is raking it in!

Went to Abercrombie and Fitch in Ginza. It's much less noisy than in 5th Avenue or Savile Row. But I still think the guys in NYC are hotter. The boys at Savile Row looked like they were plucked out of gyms. Whereas the ones in NYC where actual models. The ones in Ginza, well I reckon I can pull more boys than they could in a pulling match, you know what I mean Haha.

Didn't really buy anything because I spent half my money on my first day at Helmut Lang Aoyama and UGG Australia. If I don't buy anything for the next 5 days, I reckon I could survive this expensive town. Otherwise I might have to turn trix at a host bar with a cheesy working name like Ryo or Sakura. Whatever my pimp mistress names me!

OK, I better work the room here at GB or I might go back to my hotel empty handed with a Hentai comic in hand!

I tried it with an Asian!

Being the self confessed potato queen, I thought in the land of the rising sun, why don't I at least try the foreign delicacies. I mean, I have never been attracted to Asians, but what if I like?

So off I went, back to 24hr Kaikan in Shinjuku, to test drive a Japanese man. I have noticed that middle aged Japanese muscle daddies are all the rage in the porn titles sold here in the sex shops. And I was curious to see if they really lived up to their reputation in bed.

Being the hot boy toy everyone loves, it was easy for me to attract the typical Japanese muscular salary man. Short stocky, but only later I realized, hung like a grape. We kissed, we hugged. The foreplay went on for ages. I guess that the Japanese like to tease, but his cock never made its way to where it should go, and in between the kissing and the nipple licking I was wondering if this is what he reckons sex is.

Hesitant to give up, I decided to be the power bottom and call the shots. He came back with a condom and tried to stick it in me. I waited and I waited, but his cock was extra small so it never made its way in. At all.

I thought to myself, you silly boy. You tried to do the right thing so you could be fair to all races, but you end up frustrated and sexless. Anyway, the moral of the story is, I was born gay and I was born loving white guys. I can't change who I'm attracted to! The End. I tried. In the land of the rising sun, I tried!

Drunk in shibuya

For the past few days I have been exploring the not so secret underground of gay Tokyo. I've roamed Shijuku 2-chome through and through, leaving no gay bar unturned and no gay sauna uncruised. After all, I did not come all this way to see the Meiji shrine or Tokyo Disneyland!

I'm my opinion, the Japanese men could be hotter, the sex could be louder, the bars could be larger and the drinks could be cheaper. The steps you said were once occupied by gaisens who cruised you are no longer. I guess everything changes. That is the beauty of time.

So how did I get drunk off my face doing a massive ramble in Shibuya you ask? Well when I was home, doing research on this trip, I came across a clip on youtube about these sushi joints where the chef prepares your sushi right in front of you and you choose whatever you want from the fresh fish box. Well, 15650 Yen later and 1 bottle of cold sake, I am typing in bed like a wacked out disco queen.

Never have I got so drunk and off my face. I have however spent more in one sitting, at Vue de Monde, the Melbourne top restaurant du jour. Anyway, this tiny sushi joint in Shibuya was much like Gordon Ramsay's restaurant but without the swearing, and definitely more high brow than Jamie Oliver's Fifteen.

The food was memorable to say the least, as I had baked prawns head (complete with brains and eye balls ), sea urchin roe (tasted just like mayo), and large salmon roe (which u should just swallow don't chew). I even attempted cod roe, which looked a cross between fish intestines, white tapeworm and fly larvae. It tasted like crab roe, but the appearance defeated me so I gave up on that course.

The best thing about Japan so far, and the money most well spent, are my Helmut Lang jeans and my Helmut Lang hoodie, my yoai comics, and my 2nd hotel room which is here at the Granbell Shibuya.

Note to all readers. The Granbell Shibuya provides all comforts and is close to everything you need at around 100 USD a night. Do not spend 300 400 USD on a 5 star hotel because in Japan, whether you pay 1 dollar for a hot dog, or 10 million on a ring, the service for both will be flawless.

Now, as I'm eating my late night Meiji chocolate bar, which is like diet Hersheys, I ponder. Where will life take me tomorrow? And when will the crazy bitches down stairs shut the fuck up!

Homeward bound

Flying to Singapore for a day now. I read somewhere that it's illegal to be gay in
Singapore so I have stashed all my gay Hentai comics underneath the bed at my hotel in Tokyo. So if anyone is interested in some Japanese delicacies, please contact me to find out where they are! LOL.

Anyways, I have thoroughly enjoyed my holiday and funnily enough I am glad to be going. I was starting to be attracted to Asians, because there is definately a big Asian influence here in gay porn, or basically anything. But as per my previous entry, Asians have small doodles so no doubt I won't be satisfied in bed if I follow that root. Excuse the pun. I'm glad to be living in Australia where the men are hot and hung, and I'm a bottom! Yay!

Next year I reckon I should go to Brazil because apparently Asians are a delicacy there and the men there are super hot, according to my Singaporean friend who is over there as we speak!

See Ya Nara. I hope my pronunciation is spot on because I haven't spoken a word of Japanese in Japan. It has all been done through money. Coz money talks in all languages!

Email from a frustrated young gay guy

2011-02-04T08:24:00.000Z

Last September, as a result work pressure, I decided that I didn't have enough spare time to continue blogging twice a week. But even though I'm not a regular blogger any more, I still receive occasional emails from readers asking for advice. However, when I do get such requests, they now usually ask me NOT to post the email on this blog. Of course, I always want to help, however I feel that posting these emails is a necessary part of the way that I help. They say that a problem shared with another person is a problem halved, which means that sharing a problem with the entire Internet will be even more beneficial :-). So please, don't send emails requesting my advice if you don't want me to post some version of that email here.

A few days ago, I got just such an email from a reader who put a p.s. at the bottom of his email which said "I beg you not to post this on your blog". However, after we'd exchanged a few emails, we came up with a slightly modified version of his original email that he is happy for me to post. The email is as follows:

Dear GB,

I only started following your blog last year but I've already gone through all the past issues since 2005. It's entertaining and I just wish you'd post more often (you've been slacking off lately) despite you're increased work load, but I understand, we all have to work.

Anyway, I can't believe I'm doing this but I need your advice. My life's full of weird drama and hormones. lemme explain the situation and please tell me what I should do.

Problems:

I'm madly in love with someone that I've never spoken to
I think I may be going mad because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of the good fortune of youth must be in want of only sex, and tonnes of it. Though I enjoy sex, I prefer the intimacies of a relationship which is most likely because I've never been in one, as opposed to the healthy doses of sex that I've received already. Normally this type of behaviour occurs in middle-aged men who've accumulated enough wealth and are enticed by the prospects of settling down with Angie the barmaid and starting an atheist family.
I'm in my late teens and, as is the case with most of my age-mates, I'm suffering through enough hormones and drama to make the cast of Skins shave their pubes for once.
I also happen to be the third wheel in a gay sex triangle, which means I often feel left out.

Please help me. And note that I'm trying my best not to be an angsty teen. Oh, and cyber-slap me to my senses if it's necessary.

Thank you.

The Jane Austen quote made me laugh :-). But having read this email a few times, I wouldn't mind betting that quite a few readers will see the phrase "... healthy doses of sex that I've received already" and think "lucky b**tard, I wish I'd had too much gay sex when I was a teenager". Of if they're in a monogamous relationship, a few readers might think "although I love my boyfriend, I wish I was like this teenager again and able to have sex with other guys whenever I want to".

The problem here is simply that one craves what one doesn't have, and what one doesn't have always seems more important than what one does have. It's a case of "The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence". However, it's usually just a trick of the light, because when one climbs over the fence it's often the case that the grass isn't as green as it looked and the grass back on the original side of the fence looks a lot more lush!

Another important point is that desperation to be in a relationship is deeply unattractive. I've mentioned before that some people use so called 'dating rules' which specify things like not phoning a guy back for three days after a date. As far as I can tell, the purpose of those kind of rules is simply to help the desperate and the uncool appear like cool guys after all. So when the reader does find a guy that he's keen on, he should take it slowly.

However, regarding the guy that the reader is madly in love with, getting to that point without ever having spoken to him is taking things a bit too slow! I'd say that if you fancy a guy, the cool thing to do is to find a way to start talking to him :-), rather than living a rather strange existence full of unrequited love. After a couple of conversations it should be possible for the reader to work out whether the other guy has any interest in him. If not then at that stage, having given it his best shot, hopefully the reader will be able to move on.

I guess that my main message to the reader is that he should just try and relax, chill out, and continue having large and healthy doses of sex :-). Since he's still a teenager, he's got his whole life ahead of him to find a nice boyfriend to settle down with, so there really isn't any rush. For what it's worth, I still believe in the Gaydar advantage, so with a super cool state of mind he should simply be open to any relationship possibilities if any opportunities present themselves. And in terms of his gay sex triangle, that sounds like a recipe for deep unhappiness so I reckon he should avoid the other two guys as much as possible.

Have I cyber-slapped the reader? If so, it's for his own good :-)! Anyway, do any other readers have any thoughts on these issues?

Another visit to GB in Shinjuki 2-chome, Tokyo

2011-01-08T23:22:00.000Z

Last October, when me and boyfriend T were working out our plans for Christmas and New Year, we decide that we have to spend some time in Japan. So after Christmas by the beach, we say farewell to the friends that we were staying with and hop on a plane to Tokyo.

"I used to come to Tokyo regularly when I worked for that Japanese bank a few years ago," I tell boyfriend T during the flight, "but since I changed jobs, I've only been back once."

"All the same, I guess you know Tokyo reasonably well?" asks boyfriend T hopefully.

"I know a few things about the place :-)," I reply, "and if you're interested, I can even take you to the gay district and show you where I used to pick up Japanese guys!"

"Perhaps you'd prefer to go to that area alone?" giggles boyfriend T, "after all, I don't want to cramp your style."

"One of these days I might just take you up on that kind of offer," I laugh. "But it would be good if we could find time to go back there one evening, and see what's changed."

On our second night in Tokyo we go to a smart Sushi restaurant in Ginza for a delicious dinner, but outside on the street afterwards, we're not sure what to do. For some reason, boyfriend T always seems very interested in my sexual history, so when I suggest that we go over to the gay district he readily agrees. We catch a Marunouchi line subway train, and a short while later we arrive at Shinjuku-sanchōme. Navigating our way through the maze of tunnels leading to different exits, we finally manage to locate the staircase in the BYGS building and emerge up onto the street above.

We take a short walk and soon we're getting close to GB bar, which is perhaps the best known gay bar in Tokyo for foreigners like me.

"Those are the steps where the young Japanese guys used to sit and wait," I say, "pretending that they were just hanging out with each other, when in reality they were waiting to try and pick up gaijin like me!"

I feel slightly disappointed that tonight the steps are deserted. Opposite the steps, we head down to the basement, "And this", I continue, "is GB bar!"

Once inside, Boyfriend T looks round carefully. There are maybe twenty or so guys in the bar, but it's less crowded than I remember it.

"It's not as seedy as I expected!" says boyfriend T smiling. "How many guys did you pick up here?"

"Just a chubby fashion designer on one occasion," I answer truthfully, "I had much more luck on the street outside!"

We buy a couple of beers and settle down on two of the stools by the wall.

"It's also quite small, isn't it," remarks boyfriend T.

"And a bit smoky too :-(," I reply, "Living in London, I've forgotten what it's like to go into a bar where smoking is allowed."

For a while we look around at the other customers, trying to decide who the most shaggable guy is, apart from ourselves of course! A little later, some stools at the bar itself become available, so we move across to occupy them and get a better view of what's going on.

"Happy New Year everyone :-)," says a loud voice on our left suddenly, speaking to the whole bar in an unmistakable American accent.

A few guys look up and smile at the new arrival, who seems to be relatively well known. He takes a seat next to boyfriend T and orders a drink.

"I'm F," he says, smiling at boyfriend T, "and you are ... ?"

"I'm T," says boyfriend T smiling back.

"And I'm GB," I say, butting into their conversation and trying to make sure that F understands that me and boyfriend T know each other.

"Ahhh, are the two of you boyfriends?"

"Um, yes we are :-)," replies boyfriend T, smiling coyly at me.

"I've got a husband too," says F cheerfully, "but he's out of the country sunning himself at the moment, lucky devil!"

We strike up a conversation with F, who turns out to be a very friendly guy. After a short while he offers to buy us both a drink and it seems rude to refuse. Bizarrely, F seems happy to talk about even the most intimate details of his relationship with relative strangers like me and boyfriend T.

"How long have you guys been together?" F asks me and boyfriend T after a while.

"Over 18 months now," I reply, "how long have you been with your man?"

"Almost 10 years :-)," replies F, smiling, "but we switch it around a bit, to try and keep it fresh."

"How do you mean?" asks boyfriend T.

"Well, for the first few years I used to Top him relentlessly!" answers F, "but now I'll often take that role. Actually I really enjoy Bottoming for him now :-)."

"So are the two of you monogamous?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I don't think it's hard to be monogamous if your boyfriend is everything you want."

"And my boyfriend is exactly what I want," continues F, "I love his body, and love his cock. He's got a GREAT cock! It makes me choke when I give him oral, but that's EXACTLY what I want. No one wants a cock you can control, none of us want that do we?"

At this comment, boyfriend T starts laughing slightly, and I find myself getting caught up in the situation and laughing as well.

"No," continues F, laughing too, "what we all want is a huge uncontrollable monster of a cock! A cock that makes us gag, a cock that's got a mind of its own, a cock that forces itself on us and enslaves us to pander to its every whim :-)!!"

F is clearly very much the extrovert. The conversation continues for a while in much the same vein, during which time we manage to return the favour and buy F a drink, but eventually it seems like time to go.

Outside, the steps opposite the bar are still empty, but I doesn't matter to me any more. It's been good fun taking boyfriend T to GB bar, but more importantly, the conversation with F has reminded me of one simple fact. It's reminded me how much I love boyfriend T, because putting it simply, boyfriend T is everything that I want :-).

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T06:34:00.005Z

I simply couldn't stand the cold weather in London any more! So with boyfriend T away visiting his family, I caught a plane out of Heathrow and spent Christmas day at a friend's house, located somewhere a bit warmer!

Wherever you spent Christmas this year, I hope you had fun :-).

GB xxx

Email from a guy who lives in the English countryside

2010-12-15T07:22:00.000Z

A couple of days ago, a reader sent me the following brief email:

Dear GB,

Have you any advice how a gay 48 year old who lives in the country can meet someone, as I don’t like internet dating, and we have no gay pubs within 50 miles of where I live. I would be grateful as I have become very isolated.

Thanks

From his email address, it was obvious that he does indeed live deep in the English countryside.

Because I live in London, I'm not sure what the best way is for gay guys who live in the countryside to meet each other. However, I'd be surprised if the Internet isn't an important part of the solution to this reader's problem. If the reader doesn't like internet dating, then there's Out Everywhere which uses the Internet to organise real world events around the country, although I don't know if there are ever any events near where he lives. Alternatively, it's possible to create a profile on the web site of the UK magazine Gay Times, and interact through their forums.

Presumably some readers of this blog live in the countryside? If so, then if any of them have suggestions I'm sure they'd be much appreciated :-).

Email from a middle aged bisexual guy

2010-12-10T17:33:00.000Z

A couple of days ago, I received the following email from a new reader:

Dear GB,

I'm a middle aged guy who's very closeted, because I'm still coming to terms with the idea that I'm probably bisexual.

I'm not uncertain about my desire for male companionship, I'm just still embarrassed and ashamed of myself due to my Presbyterian upbringing. Besides, I'm really afraid of losing my sons if they have to confront this issue.

I'd really like to become pen friends with someone who's in a similar position to me. Have you got any idea where I could find such a person?

Thanks in advance, J

My first instinct was to post this email here on my blog, because it's possible that one or two of my existing readers might be in the right category to become pen friends with this new reader. Any volunteers?

Christmas charity donations

2010-12-03T08:17:00.003Z

For the last three years, I've asked readers to give me suggestions for Christmas charity donations (see 2007, 2008, 2009). This year an excess of £2k has built up in my account with the Charities Aid Foundation, so it's time to give it away to good causes. All suggestions welcome, the only condition is that the beneficiaries have to be registered UK charities :-).

Sex, Sexualities and the Law

2010-12-01T07:33:00.002Z

A reader wanted me to publicise this event which is being held on Friday:

Experiencing the Law 2010
Sex, Sexualities and the Law
Changing attitudes or perpetuating stereotypes?

03 December 2010, 10:00 - 17:45
Event Type: Conference / Symposium

Click here for more details

WikiLeaks have devalued their brand

2010-11-29T23:24:00.002Z

Although I'm not blogging much at the moment, I feel I have to comment on the recent wikiLeaks 'disclosures'. Having an outlet for real whistle blowing, for things that really matter, would be a real asset to the everyone. However, finding out that US diplomats make frank assessments about the world at large is a million miles away from that. It's almost embarrassing that Julian Assange thinks that this is newsworthy, because all it means is that the US diplomats are doing their jobs. In my opinion, WikiLeaks has seriously devalued its brand.

Ultrasurf, a solution to Internet censorship?

2010-11-04T22:06:00.003Z

I received the following email from a reader today which surprised me:

Heya GB,

Hope this email find you in good spirits! I remember there was a post on your blog mentioned the issue accessing your blog in China. I am currently in Shanghai doing for a research trip and I can confirm that your blog is not accessible here. Such a shame!

However, if readers can use some software that allow connection through proxy (e.g. ultrasurf) then they will have no prob to read your blog. Maybe it is worthwhile to suggest.

Cheers,

The thing that amazed me is that it's possible to bypass the so called Great Firewall of China. Surely the Chinese authorities know that this is happening. If anyone can explain why they can't stop it, I'd be fascinated to know the answer!

An anatomy of my blog

2010-10-26T08:09:00.000+01:00

A few days ago, a London based gay reader who also works in finance sent me an email in which he told me that he'd read my entire blog. Part of the email conversation that followed included the following analysis of what I'd been writing about for the past five years or so:

Your blog is a kind of therapy during a trauma or crisis in your late 30s (you don't say this but I am reading between the lines) when the two sides of you came into conflict with each other. One side of you is the guy who visited the saunas and gyms, the gaydar/gay.com personals looking for no strings fun. This guy existed mainly outside the relationship with S. The other side is the guy who was asexual at college, wants stable relationships, likes family orientated Asian men, lived with S for 16 years. There is a third side perhaps, the guy who is a judge, enforces fair play and correct behaviour (we can call thus conscience).

This third guy is the one who is troubled by the impact of the first guy's behaviour on the second guy's values and identity and is concerned about the first guy betraying the second guy. The judge is the one that compel the first guy to tell the truth to the second guy via the blog and eventually S. The revelations lead to stress and trauma for both the second guy and S and leads eventually to a judgment in which the first guy is condemned and punished for betraying S, S leaves the second guy's life and the second guy too shares the blame for having impossible expectations of gay relationships. The climax is the Dear GB letter in which the judge himself is giving the verdict (the relationship is over, S must be housed etc) and the philosophical reflection on the nature of gay love.

Thereafter we hear very little about the first guy in the blog. I presume he is still there but having served his punishment he is left alone and the blog is taken over by the second guy as an agony uncle column. This phase of the blog is less interesting than the first and even you can't find the time to keep it up.

The reader is really a voyeur in all this. The early blog is not at all aimed at third parties but at the second guy. Most of this is now ancient history and in any case is stuff that virtually all gay men can relate to. What makes the blog interesting is the raw honesty that the judge in you demands and the quality of the writing.

You actually reveal very little about yourself that is important. What do you like reading? What did you do your Doctorate in? What do you do in your work? Do you play sports, listen to music? Your politics? The newspapers you read? What do you like to wear? Your favourite wines? Your food? I guess you are now in your mid 40s so you will sometimes think about retirement and death. But what?

I felt that the analysis was accurate in many ways.

These days, boyfriend T often jokingly refers to the behaviour that 'the first guy' would enjoy, especially when we're out in London and he spots men that 'the first guy' would find attractive. However, for now at least, 'the second guy' must be firmly in control because I feel no inclination for fun with anyone except boyfriend T. I don't know if this will last, but one thing is for sure. With boyfriend T by my side, I feel very happy :-).

Work pressure :-(

2010-09-24T21:43:00.000+01:00

When I started blogging back in 2005, I'd managed to find a wonderful little niche at the bank that I work for. I'd found a role which paid me reasonably well for relatively little work, compared to what my workload had been previously. As a result, I've almost always been able to post something to this blog every 3 or 4 days, if not much more frequently than that.

I had thought that I was gradually heading towards a nice redundancy package, but instead, my responsibilities have slowly been growing again. As a result, I think that the quality of my blog posts has suffered this year. So I think it's time to admit that, for now at least, I'm not going to be able to keep up with regular posts to this blog :-(. Posting to this blog twice a week has been part of my life for so long that I've been finding it hard to come to terms with all this.

Please note that even though I'm not going to be posting regularly, I'm still happy to do postings for any Dear GB emails that readers may care to send me. And I'm still contactable at my email address in the right-hand side bar :-).

Thanks to all my readers for following me so far.

GB xxx

Email from a guy who's worried about his sexual history

2010-09-21T06:56:00.001+01:00

Last week, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I really enjoy reading your blog (I stumbled upon it a couple of years ago) and I thought I'd ask for some advice.

I am 23 year old gay guy in a new town in my first proper job. I am (for the first time really) serious about starting a relationship. Two years ago I came within a hair's breadth of having a nervous breakdown and am finally off the medication that helped me recover.

The thing is: I was a little promiscuous in uni (since I have been out I've slept with 18 guys), and am a little embarrassed by my past conduct. I feel that the guys I see myself dating will be put off by this. I am particularly embarrassed as I had some safe sex slip ups (in fact I had a mini affair with someone where we didn't use condoms - at the time I really enjoyed the risk). I was lucky and didn't catch anything nasty, but am worried about how the people I want to date will judge me.

See, I want to date nice, successful, guys (because I did used to be one), and I feel they'll judge me negatively when they hear of my past. Especially with respect to the slip ups. The thing is, I really enjoyed it. I got to have fun with all sorts of guys (I have quite broad tastes in men, and it was enjoyable to have fun with them), and to know what I enjoyed (and what I didn't).

The thing I want to ask is how best to broach this subject with any beaus in future? I understand that I must take responsibility for my previous actions, and that I'll be judged on them; but I'm just terribly worried that I'll not have what I want now that I have a clearer idea of what I look for in a guy (beyond his physical attributes).

All the best.

Having read this email a few times, I think one of the important facts is that this reader almost had a nervous breakdown. It's good that he recovered, but it must mean that he's prone to worrying too much, in this case about all the sex that he had when he was a bit younger. Most of us have a sexual history of some sort and indeed, the older a potential boyfriend is, the more of a past he's likely to have. All sensible guys know that, so there's no reason to hide it. The important thing is to relax, and simply be honest about it when the subject comes up, because honesty and trust are fundamental to any relationship.

In fact, it's easy to put a positive spin on this reader's past. It's quite normal for younger guys to be a bit wild. That's why there are expressions like "Sowing one's wild oats". So some guys might think that another guy is a bit boring if they haven't done some things that they regret in their past. The good thing is that the reader didn't catch anything nasty from his recklessness, and so with that experience behind him, he's learned a bit about life and has matured as a result :-).

Another thought is that a sexual history with only 18 guys doesn't strike me as that many. A few years ago when I was blogging about my encounters, I was playing around with at least one new guy a week! Perhaps that was too many, but the important thing is that I've always been honest about it with boyfriend T.

In the past, the reader must have had some self-esteem issues, to allow himself to have regular unprotected sex with another guy. My guess is that those self-esteem issues were connected with his near nervous breakdown. But he's clearly moved on since then because he's off his medication and is now ready for a serious relationship. So as I said above, he's learned from his past mistakes, which is a positive thing.

In summary, I think the reader has nothing to worry about regarding his past, which is perfectly normal. Instead, he should put all his effort into finding himself a nice boyfriend :-), and then making the relationship work when he's found one!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this situation?

Religion

2010-09-17T16:49:00.004+01:00

The pros and cons of religion have been on my mind recently. As I travelled through Perú with boyfriend T, I've learned how the Spanish conquistadors forced the Incas to convert to Christianity. Religion has also been in my mind because the Pope is currently visiting the UK.

There are a lot of good aspects to religion. Focussing on Christianity which is the religion that I know best, religions rules such as the ten commandments must have helped people live together. We all achieve much more when we work together so that aspect is surely a good thing. The Golden Rule that one should treat others according to how one would like others to treat one's self is another very beneficial concept which appears in many religions.

However, religion is also a huge source of conflict, and that is surely a bad thing. It seems amazing to me that throughout history and still today, armies go to war with both believing that "God is on their side", even though war goes against the widespread religious concept that killing other people is wrong. This just emphasises how religion has always been used by a country's rulers to control their lower classes. The message "behave well in this life and your next life will be better" helps to stop poorer people from rebelling against their masters.

Another big problem is that a lot of religious ideas and rules are stuck in the past. For example, it's easy to find lots of out of date rules in the Jewish religion, as this famous response to an orthodox Jew's criticism of gay people shows. The Catholic Church still insists that contraception is not allowed, even though the world's population growth is probably out of control. It's easy to find out-of-date laws in Islam too, for example, as a banker I'm familiar with the fact Islam prohibits interest payments. The result is that a huge amount of energy is wasted in finding ways of getting round those rules and effectively paying interest anyway.

With all the different religions in the world, in terms of their spiritual component it seems very arrogant to me that anyone should believe that the religion that they were brought up with is the "right" one. Even more arrogant are the Christian missionaries, or the priests who came to South America with the conquistadors, with the aim of converting people to Christianity. If someone wants a religious aspect to their life, it strikes me that the logical thing to do would be to examine all the world's religions and then make a choice. Or better still, take the best bits from each religion :-). But of course logic and religion have never mixed, particularly in connection with religion's spiritual aspects.

I noted with a bit of pride how one of the Pope's cardinals, Walter Kasper, apparently told a German magazine that the UK was marked by "a new and aggressive atheism". To me, this means that a lot of people in the UK realise how flawed the existing religions are. As people everywhere in the world become more educated, my guess is that this trend will continue. In my recent holiday to Perú with boyfriend T, I was surprised to learn from one of our guides that Catholicism was even on the decline there. Stories about Catholic priests sexually abusing children can only make that decline faster.

Wandering through Arequipa with boyfriend T a couple of weeks ago, he spots a traditional picture of Jesus in a shop window.

"Do you find that image attractive?" he asks.

"What??" I reply, barely able to believe what he's asking, "are you asking whether I'd have sex with a guy who looks like that?"

"Yes of course :-). Why not!"

"Having been brought up in a Christian family," I respond, "I find it impossible to think of Jesus like that!"

"OK fair enough. But I quite like that look :-). As far as I'm concerned, he's more than do-able!"

Although the laws in civilised countries now enforce a lot of the basic religious rules like those found in the ten commandments, important ideas like The Golden Rule are likely to remain in the religious domain. Furthermore, the spiritual aspect of religions is entirely missing from secular societies. However, unless religions can find a way to update themselves and discard their historical baggage, their ultimate fate may just be to provide some eye candy for a perverse few!

An email about good old-fashioned romance

2010-09-13T07:12:00.001+01:00

Just over two weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've been reading your blog on and off for a year now and have been really enjoying it - thanks. Congratulations on the new email address and web domain!

This evening over a cup of decaf at a local pub, I had a rather interesting discussion about relationships with my brother, who is also gay but four years younger than me. I'd be interested to know what you and any of your other readers thought:

The conversation came about as my brother joked that his life plan was to civil-partner someone rich and cute (ha, ha); however, as the conversation became more serious he claimed optimistically that in principle anyone might fall in love and end up in a relationship with anyone else. After all, he said, "you only need one person to fall in love with you". Perhaps I'm just too deeply cynical (quite probably), I replied that whilst I'd love nothing more than to settle down with a boyfriend working in the City to a blissful life of Colefax & Fowler swatches and surrogacy (really, I would), at the grand old age of 34 my days of five evenings a week at the gym are long gone and as a teacher I was never going to land Mr Darcy as I simply no longer held enough points!

Basically my line was this: In relationships everyone pairs off with those who they are fairly equal to based roughly around three areas: (1) Physical attractiveness; (2) Money/Power; (3) Intellect/Personality. This can be both or either a sub-conscious or conscious decision. You don't have to score the same for each of the three areas but in total you need to score roughly the same. Therefore, the super-cute, sexy, 20 year old, blond, Abercrombie jeans model ends up with the slightly overweight, Oxbridge educated, 45 year old hedge-fund director because overall they score about the same. In my world-view, dear old Jane Austen and every Rom Com writer since have simply been trying to make the single, aging, drooping ones of us perceive some ray of hope so we don't all throw ourselves under a train tomorrow.

Perhaps I am too sceptical and bleak - goodness I hope so. What do you think? Are you with my brother, or me?

I immediately sent the reader an email, telling him that I'd happily address his queries. Having thought about it at length, I can see merits in what both brothers say.

It's interesting that the reader mentions Jane Austen because ever since I read Pride and Prejudice, I've been a big fan of her work. But in her novels, it always seemed to me that it was the personality and intellect of the heroine that enabled the heroine to marry the richer man. That means that even in Jane Austen, there is a balance of attributes in the three areas that the reader mentions. So perhaps the reader's idea that couples have to score a similar amount in the combination of those areas is correct?

But then, doesn't everyone have at least one friend where the thought is "I really don't know what my friend sees in his partner, I'm sure that he could have done much better"? No doubt that's the situation that the reader's brother is referring to. The person who thinks a friend could have found himself a better partner is probably assessing the situation based on the three areas that the reader mentions.

I was discussing this with boyfriend T a couple of days ago, and he had a good point to make.

"I definitely thought that one of my friends could have found himself a much better wife," he remarked, "but eventually I found out what my friend saw in her."

"Which was?" I ask, intrigued.

"It was the sex! He told me one day after a few drinks that she was absolutely amazing in bed :-)."

I guess what this means is that there are many more categories than the three areas that the reader mentions. However, I think it also means that people probably do pair off based on the qualities in their prospective partners, but exactly which qualities are important varies from person to person. No doubt that's what the reader's brother was referring to, namely that people can have hidden qualities which make them attractive to people that otherwise would not be attracted to them. I think it would be fair to call that the mystery of romance!

So what are the two brother's chances of finding themselves nice boyfriends? The younger brother is clearly an optimist, and in general I think that's quite an attractive quality so I'm sure that he'll be OK :-). However, the older brother who sent me the email is in danger of turning into a jaded and cynical old queen, given the way that he wrote the email! But with the right attitude, there's absolutely no reason why he won't be able to find himself a nice boyfriend too :-). After all, I was older than he is now when I met ex-boyfriend P, and older still when I met boyfriend T.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Travelling again

2010-09-09T07:17:00.000+01:00

I've been travelling again, so as usual when that happens, I've haven't had much time to write posts for this blog. The last weekend in August, me and boyfriend T went to visit some friends for a long weekend, and then the first weekend in September we left London for a longer holiday.

Below I've posted four pics. The first two are from the long weekend at the end of August, and the last two are from the start of this longer holiday. But can anyone identify the countries where the pictures were taken (or for full marks, the cities where the first and the fourth photo were taken)?

Email from a young gay virgin

2010-09-05T11:17:00.000+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, a reader sent quite a sweet email:

Hi GB,

I am a fan of your blog and I've been following it for some time now. I always look forward reading your posts. Actually, I found your blog site by accident when I was googling about gays in finance, and found it in one of the searches. I read a single post and it immediately captured my imagination. Your prose is quite lucid and not too intimidating. The stories you share about your personal life are entertaining in a good sort of way and I especially like the advices you dispense to your readers. I think this is where much of your character is shown, how you carefully think about the nature of the problem and the solutions you give and the genuine concern to the individual who wrote to you. In fact this is what I like about you: that you seem to genuinely like people. It shows in your blog so it doesn't come across as a self-indulgent vehicle, unlike so many others out there.

I am thrilled that you have found boyfriend T, he seems to be doing you a world of good. I hope that your love for him will finally inspire him to come out to his friends and family, that would be so romantic! Less this become a long effusive letter from a rabid fan, I think this is my queue to say goodbye and I hope that God would bring more blessings in your life. Here's hoping that we would read more about it soon!

Sincerely from another avid Asian fan,

So I sent him a polite reply, in which I asked him if he was gay, and within a day or so I received his answer:

Dear GB,

I'm so thrilled you've responded. I'm a 26-year old out gay man from the Philippines. Chinese-Filipino to be more accurate, we're a little more liberal here, my family has accepted me and I don't think I've encountered any blatant homophobia in work.

I was first going to write an agony letter to you but it's more of a worry then an agony. But I'll go ahead and tell you nonetheless so I can get another perspective perhaps?

You see, out as I am, I've had this little problem with my friends and well intentioned acquaintances about my single status. Often I get this look of disbelief from other people when I'm getting know them when I tell them that I have never had a boyfriend at all and a bigger shock that I am still a virgin. My friends being the good friends that they are all laugh about it. All my friends either have boyfriends of their own or have had boyfriends in the past. That leaves me the only virgin in my group. I've asked them to fix me up but they all seem to be a little apprehensive about doing so because they know how choosy I am. They can't seem to find someone that would be suitable for me and yes I am a bit choosy. To give you a perspective on how choosy I am I've dated 4 guys for the last 5 years and nothing ever came about it. Two were pity dates and the other two made me irritated with them in the end. I've tried the online thing and I've no luck there. I haven't given up hope you see but I would now like to focus on my career path, so I am studying for the CFA level 1 exam for this December and maybe I'll take the GMAT next year. So I don't think I'll have time to date for some time. I have no problem with this but recently a former office mate of mine died suddenly from what it turned out to be a lingering illness. He was an out gay man in his late thirties and he seemed perfectly healthy a month ago before he resigned. We're all shocked, I guess he didn't want people to know that he was seriously ill when he resigned. One cannot help but think about the inevitable and how uncertain the timing is. This has somewhat unnerved me and I guess I am questioning my priorities in life. After all I don't want to end up a dead 40 year old virgin.

Anyway thanks for the indulgence. Best wishes to you and boyfriend T!

And then, to my great surprise, a couple of days after that he sent me a short video of himself where he told me a bit more about his situation. I was genuinely touched by that gesture, because previously no one had ever sent GB a video of themselves!

In the video, he told me that he wasn't completely innocent because he'd actually kissed a couple of guys. However, it sounded as though the guys were not very good kissers, because he told me that they were quite wet. I reckon good kissers are very sensual without being wet! Beyond that, he went on to say that he once ended up in a mutual masturbation situation with a guy that he really fancied. I would count mutual masturbation as a sexual activity, but it turned out that in his case neither of them came, so I'd probably agree with him that he can still count himself as a virgin after all. In fact, he'd been hoping that the guy who he got into the mutual masturbation with would become his boyfriend, but the guy dumped him the day after the failed session. He now has the view that he's not even going to try and have sex with anyone unless he feels that they both love each other.

Having read his emails and watched his video a few times, it seems to me that he's putting up a lot of barriers in terms of finding himself a nice boyfriend. For example, he says that he's not going to have much time to look for one, and even more than that he says that he's very choosey. Perhaps his past experiences have understandably left him with a fear of rejection, however there's no doubt in my mind that to some extent all the barriers that he's created for himself simply prove that he's avoiding the issue for some reason.

Why should he bother to look for a boyfriend? Quite simply, he should bother because life is much more rewarding when you've got someone to share it with. That applies to one's successes, but it probably applies more to one's failures when a good boyfriend will be able to provide valuable support. It also applies in the bedroom! And when people get older, it's well known that people with partners live longer because they've got so much more to live for :-).

Another issue is that guys who say that they're choosey often have unrealistic expectations of what relationships are all about. They'll spend all their time looking for Mr Perfect, and consequently miss out on all the great relationships that might be possible with guys that don't fit their preconceptions of who they want their boyfriend to be. I'll freely admit that I was the same when I was looking for my first boyfriend. However, I spent many wonderfully happy years with ex-boyfriend S, even though in many ways he was the opposite of the kind of boyfriend that I thought I wanted when I was looking for him.

In his video, the reader mentioned a post that I did a couple of years ago, titled The gaydar advantage. That post argued that when one is looking for a boyfriend then it's good to have activities with lots of different guys, because the intimacy that comes from encounters bypasses traditional dating so that it's much easier to work out whether a relationship might work. It worries me that this reader has decided that he'll only get intimate with someone once they've both decided that they love each other. "Love at first sight" is possible, but more often love grows as guys get to know each other. A lot of guys won't bother getting to know someone who's got such strong preconceptions about what's got to happen before they can get intimate.

It's easy to see how the reader has ended up with his current views, given what's happened to him in the past. As a result of all that, he's anxious and nervous. Somehow he needs to learn to relax in connection with all his issues, which of course is easier said than done. Telling someone to relax is likely to have the opposite effect :-(.

Regarding the sexual aspect of being with another guy, one thing that might help is if he tries to remember how natural it is to cum. I bet he's done it hundreds of times on his own, just like all the other guys in the world, and just like all the guys that he's going to be in intimate situations with. In that context, a couple of guys helping each other to cum is the most natural thing in the world, and nothing to get anxious about.

I'm not saying that that the reader needs to lower his expectations, but I am saying that he probably needs to adjust his preconceptions about how to fulfil his goal of finding himself a good boyfriend. Somehow he should try and meets lots of guys, because my expectation is that the best boyfriend for him will turn out to be someone that he initially thinks is inappropriate. Along with that, he needs to stop putting barriers in the way of his future happiness. If one is single, the time to starting looking for one's boyfriend is always now!

I hope that this reader will find some of my above comments useful :-). But do any other readers have any thoughts on his situation?

Friends and lovers

2010-09-01T07:20:00.000+01:00

"You know your colleague P and his boyfriend D?" starts boyfriend T, while we're travelling back home a couple of days ago.

"Uh huh?" I reply, not paying much attention.

"If you had to sleep with one of them, which one would you choose?"

Boyfriend T often want to probe my sexual history and attitudes, so his question doesn't seem unusual.

"I guess I'd choose D," I answer without thinking too much, "after all, he's been wanting to get to know me better for ages!"

"Which one would you choose?" I continue, mildly curious to know the answer.

"You can ask me in a minute :-)," replies boyfriend T decisively, "let me finish first! Now, what about HBH and his boyfriend C?"

Gradually, boyfriend T runs through all the gay couples that we know, asking me who I'd sleep with.

"You're quite predictable!" boyfriend T tells me when he's run out of gay couples to ask me about, "I could have guessed a lot of those answers :-)."

"But what about you?" I reply, smiling back at him, "I bet I can guess too! Let's start again with my colleague P and his boyfriend D?"

"I'd choose GB!" answers boyfriend T, with an impish grin on his face.

"No you can't choose me, you have to choose either P or D!" I insist, sensing that I'm not going to get the answers I want.

"Well if I can't have GB then I'll be a monk!!" he replies, "because I can't lower my standards :-)."

Although I'm mildly disappointed that boyfriend T won't play the game too, I can't complain too much because he's got such an excellent excuse!

Email from a reader in Buenos Aires in his 20's

2010-08-28T07:24:00.001+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, a Latin American reader sent me an email telling me about his life:

Hi GB,

I honestly can't think of a reason to be writing you. But I kind of had the urge to do it. I think I should start by introducing myself:

I'm not British, and English is not even my first language. I live in Buenos Aires, a city you happened to visit 4 years ago. I am a gay man, I'm 25 years old. I study film making and I work for a large American company.

My story goes pretty much like this:

I grew up knowing that I was gay. I just couldn't accept it. My parents even sent me to therapy because they felt I was a 'little' too girlish, and they were scared I might turn out to be a homosexual. Then, I don't know what happened in the middle but my sexuality wasn't a problem anymore. I suddenly found a way to suppress all of my feelings towards men and in fact towards anybody. In fact I had a pretty much uneventful adolescence.

Back in 2004, I was friends with this guy that I considered him to be the best friend a person could ask for, and all of the sudden it hit me: I had fallen for him, I had feelings! So I had to get him out of my life somehow, so I killed him (kidding ... I didn't). We had this great fight over some keys and we have barely talked to each other ever since. I know it sounds stupid, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. My love for him was getting bigger and bigger each day, and I hated that, hence I hated him.

And at the same time as I was falling in love deeper and deeper with this guy, I started kissing girls and fooling around with them, maybe it was a way to make me believe I wasn't gay at all. Years go by and I even attempt to have sex with girls but nope, it wouldn't work out! It just didn't feel right for me. Even when my friends thought me to be the 'promiscuous' of the group. I wasn't, I was a virgin. So it's year 2007 and I find the right girl, Daniela. I'm not sure if I've ever fallen in love for her. But I really loved her and I still do. We only had sex once, after 7 months of having been seeing each other. And when I was convinced that I finally got to love someone, another man appears. A 35 year old sociologist. Anguish, anxiety, depression. All of those things and more were the kind of feelings that I had back then. I couldn't deny it anymore. I was gay. And the weirdest thing is that when I was thinking of breaking-up with Daniela, she came to me and told me that she didn't have it for me anymore. I was totally shocked by that, but at the same time was glad 'cause now I could go have a relationship with this sociologist guy.

Well after some comings & goings we ended up together. Or should I say, he ended up fucking me and leaving me ten minutes after he came. Yeah, it was very harsh. But I did learn a lot. Now, I know what I like, I had this 2-year-long relationship with a 39 years old guy who I happened to know while cruising on the internet trying to look for sex, but that is another story.

Right now all of my friends know I'm gay, they even know it at work, and we sometimes hang out at this gay party that goes on Fridays with some of my straight colleagues. I managed to make some really good gay friends who helped to get to know the Buenos Aires gay scene. And even my mom knows, and now she's become one big gay activist. I dunno if you know this, but Argentina has become the first Latin America country in legalising gay marriage. Here's a link to the BBC article with that news.

But why am I writing all of this? I don't really know. I perhaps should tell you how I came across your blog a week ago. I've recently been having doubts on how gay male relationships work, is it okay to be in an open one? Or should it be a monogamous one? Even when I don't know the answer I thought your blog was the most interesting and most intelligent I've found on the web. I even told a friend of mine to go read it. He thought it was a big load of lies and unbelievable stories. But even if they are lies and you're making all this up, you still manage to point some interesting and unique points. But I do believe you. Yes! There is a chance that you're a good writer who finds some time to write a beautiful drama as an everlasting novel.

In the last couple of days I've pretty much went through the five years you've been writing this blog and it has made me think and rethink some things I thought I had the answers for. And for this I am really grateful so...Thanks!

I don't want you to consider me as some kind of 'admirer' because it's not like that at all. I just really really appreciate the possibility of seeing and sharing the world and the view we had of it with different people. And you give a great outlook on life.

Well, I think I've written a quite large email, hope you didn't get bored or anything.

Hope everything is good with you and at least I get a reply from you.

PS: Keep on blogging, I know it'll eventually come to its end, as everything else does...but not just yet, okay? :-P

In fact, I did notice that Argentina had legalised gay marriage. I think that's a great step forward for us all :-). But I was curious to know why this reader's friend thought that my blog is lies, so I sent the reader an email to ask him. The answer turned out to be quite simple:

My friend thinks your blog isn't true because he usually doesn't believe in stories of someone he doesn't know and leads a more interesting life than he does!

As I said to the reader in my response to him, a couple of years ago I did a poll to ask everyone whether they thought my blog is true or not. The majority got the answer right. That's still the right answer today, namely that my blog is mostly true :-). The "mostly" typically means that I occasionally do things like combine two slightly interesting true stories into one more interesting story, or in conversations I'll make some minor changes to what people said, often for the sake of clarity. I reckon changes like that are just part of the art of blogging!

Impressed

2010-08-24T20:16:00.000+01:00

I accidentally stumbled upon a recent ruling from the UK supreme court today. In an appeal case relating to whether to grant political asylum to two gay men, one from Iran and one from Cameroon, freedom for men to live their lives in different ways was illustrated as follows:

Just as male heterosexuals are free to enjoy themselves playing rugby, drinking beer and talking about girls with their mates, so male homosexuals are to be free to enjoy themselves going to Kylie concerts, drinking exotically coloured cocktails and talking about boys with their straight female mates.

Until I read that, I had no idea that the judges who preside in the UK's supreme court had such a strong grip on the way gay men lead their lives :-).

At last: gaybanker.com :-)

2010-08-22T13:13:00.001+01:00

Back in early 2007, I blogged that someone was cybersquatting the natural domain name for this blog. A company had paid $200 for gaybanker.com, so no doubt if I'd wanted to acquire it they'd have wanted to charge me at least that much.

In fact, I didn't even bother to contact them. Instead I waited. The credit crunch and the sub-prime crisis probably helped by making bankers unpopular, because eventually the domain name registration of gaybanker.com expired. So just over a week ago I decided to buy it, for the standard low price of a new domain name. If you now go to gaybanker.com, you get forwarded to this blog, and similarly I've now got a gaybanker.com email address too. So what my grandmother told me is true after all, patience is a virtue, even in fast-moving cyberspace!

Email from a guy with a boyfriend who's not out at work

2010-08-19T07:43:00.000+01:00

Last week, I got the following email from an American reader:

Dear GB,

I have just started reading your blog and must say I have found it very interesting to date.

I am a guy in my early 20's and have been in a relationship for four years or so with a guy who is ten years older, and who's been working in banking for the past 15 years.

We live together in NYC and have a good relationship most of the time.

One thing that does trouble me, however, is that nobody at work knows anything at all. We live in SoHo which is quite close to the Financial District, so are often bumping into his colleagues etc. The other day, for instance, we were in the local deli and he ran out upon seeing one of his colleagues as he did not want to be seen with me.

Firstly, is it wrong that I find this a bit insulting? Normally I am quite outspoken if there is a problem but for some reason I just let it go despite being annoyed on the inside.

Secondly, I don't work in banking so I don't really have an understanding of what the atmosphere/environment would be like should he reveal all so to speak.

I am a relatively normal acting guy, although I suppose I can be a bit camp if I have had a drink. I am not out at work (am relatively new so it is yet to come up) but previously if anyone has asked or indicated they know I have been honest about it. I have to be honest, I do find it hard in a professional environment to deal with really camp people flouncing around and making a spectacle of themselves so I can understand how negative opinions can be formed. But my boyfriend is not like that at all. If he has worked there for many years surely it would not have a significant impact, should he actually acknowledge who he is?

Have you experienced anything similar at all, or do you have any suggestions of how to tackle this? He tells me I know what he was like when we met so I shouldn’t have a problem, he kinda has a point but it is still very frustrating never the less.

I would be appreciative of your thoughts or any advice you may have.

Best regards

This kind of situation is common when one of the two guys in a gay relationship are at different stages of coming out. In fact I can relate strongly to the reader, because my boyfriend T is also closeted, possibly even more so than the reader's boyfriend! With boyfriend T, my only plan is to give him lots of love and support, and hope that he'll gradually feel more and more comfortable as a gay man.

With the reader's situation, one possibility is that in the past, his boyfriend has pretended to be straight when he's been at work. A consequence of this could be that the boyfriend would feel that he'd lose face if he comes out as gay. Unfortunately, if this is the case then the only way to solve the problem might be changing the bank that he works for.

In big international banks these days, when it comes to employing gay staff the key word is "Diversity". I mentioned this in the posting 'Email from a closeted investment banker' earlier this year. If the reader's boyfriend works for a big bank, then the reader could do research over the Internet to find out what the bank's diversity policy is. That information might help the reader's boyfriend feel more comfortable about coming out at work. Another point is that all the big banks also have networks of gay employees these days, so even if the reader can't work out if such a network exists at his boyfriend's bank, he might be able to encourage his boyfriend to find out.

Of course, rather than coming out with a big fanfare and dramatic announcement, it's much better just to stop pretending to be straight. A big coming out is always very egocentric, because with that the person coming out makes the assumption that people are interested. Instead, if the reader's boyfriend does reach the stage where he wants people to know, a better strategy is to quietly tell the biggest gossip in his department! A good thing about making sure other that colleagues know that you're is gay is that inappropriate questions about girlfriends or marriage will cease, and one can relax :-).

To answer the reader's question, although the boyfriend's behaviour is slightly insulting because it implies that the reader is less important than his boyfriends reputation, the behaviour is understandable. In any case, if all else fails, my plan of just loving my boyfriend as much as I can and making him feel more and more comfortable being gay is likely to work in the long term :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on the situation?

An imposter!

2010-08-15T07:22:00.000+01:00

A couple of days ago, I went out for supper to catch up with Close Encounters. I hadn't seen him since April, so last Friday we agreed to have supper together in a smart restaurant with a good wine list in central London :-).

"So how were your holidays?" I ask him, once we've handed our bags and umbrellas to the cute cloakroom attendant.

I get an answer to the question once we've made our way to the bar for a little pre-prandial cocktail, and given our order to the bartender.

"My holiday was pretty good :-), although I was only able to get away for a week," he replies, making himself comfy on the bar stool, and with a tone in his voice that suggests he wishes that he could have been away for longer.

"And what about men?" I giggle, keeping my voice down so that the bartender can't hear, "What were the natives like!"

"Actually I did manage to hook up while I was away :-)," he says with a cheeky grin on his face.

We talk a bit about the country that he visited, and end up chatting so much that the maître d' invites us to move to our table for dinner before we've finished our cocktails.

Later in the evening, the conversation inevitably wanders back towards our favourite subject.

"You're not on Grindr yet are you, GB?" asks Close Encounters.

"No, that's only available on the iPhone isn't it?" I answer swiftly, "I don't use the iPhone because I hate Apple! Anyway, why do you ask?"

"So it's not you then," replies Close Encounters, "I didn't think so!"

"What's not me?"

"There's a guy on Grindr who called himself 'The Gay Banker'," answers Close Encounters, "so I contacted him online to ask him if he knew that there was a blog of that name."

"Really? What did he say??"

"He said he knew about it, and even read it sometimes! And now I think the same guy has renamed his profile to 'Gay Banker', just like your blog!!"

"What a cheek!" I laugh, "If there's going to be someone known as 'Gay Banker' in cyberspace it should be ME, after all, I've had my blog for years now."

"Never mind, I'm sure that the imposter isn't as good at, um, activities as the real GB!"

The following day, Close Encounters sends me a pic of the 'Gay Banker' Grindr profile, which can be seen above. It seems strange that he hasn't posted a photo of himself like most Grindr users do, so he does seem to be associating himself with me because I keep my identity private as well. Now that I've thought about the situation a bit more, I've decided that it's a good thing. It's a well worn phrase, but I think it's true, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" :-).

Indisputable proof that god does not exist

2010-08-12T07:53:00.000+01:00

While we were in Fire Island recently, me and boyfriend T met up with my female Mexican friend N, who happened to be there at the same time with some of her girlfriends. It was good to see her again, and for a couple of lazy hours, we sit by the public swimming pool in Fire Island Pines, all drinking cocktails together.

"So what have you been up to recently," I ask, keen to know her news.

"Well, I'm finally divorced from that no good EX-husband of mine :-)," she says proudly. "I forced him to admit that it was his fault too, which it SO was. Now that we're legally divorced, I can move on properly!"

We chat a bit about the details, and about what she's been up to, but eventually the subject inevitably turns to men.

"Just LOOK at all these beautiful men around here!" says N loudly to everyone, glancing around at all the fit gay guys in their designer swimwear.

"I tell you," she continues, "this REALLY proves to me that there is no God!"

"How come?" asks boyfriend T, not sure what she's getting at.

"All these perfect gorgeous gym-toned male bodies make me moist, but I know where I am. NONE of them want to fuck me! A fair God wouldn't let that happen!!"

We all burst out laughing, and of feeling of euphoria sweeps over me. Ever since I was a little boy I've wondered whether there was a god or not, so I feel elated to finally know the answer :-).

Email from a closeted gay British guy

2010-08-08T07:07:00.000+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, a reader sent me an email with the title "Please help me :(". The text of his email was as follows:

Dear GB,

You have a great blog and some very amusing articles. I've just read your posting titled Email from a closeted Asian gay guy. It's so interesting and real. The article is very similar to my story.

Here is my situation:

I'm a fit and healthy 26 year old guy who is moving to London in September as I will be doing my masters degree there. Although I am excited, thrilled and looking forward to the educational experience, I am still quite nervous. Why? Well ...

I don't know anyone at all in London - no-one :( and if I am honest, I am quite scared at the thought of being lonely in the big smoke. I'm from the Midlands and I have just finished my undergraduate degree. It was a fun experience, but none of my friends are moving to London and they have found jobs in the Midlands. Throughout my undergrad degree I have only known straight people, and I have now decided that I really want a relationship and want to find some like-minded guys.

I really need your help, as I don't know what to do. I really would like to meet some like-minded people who are gay. I don't have any gay friends, all my friends are straight. I did contact the LGBT union at my London college, but I have not heard back from them and it has been a few months now. I am not on facebook and I think most of their members are on facebook.

I really want some gay friends who can really understand me. Sometimes there are things that I cannot talk about to my family, cousins or friends, as it is very hard for them to understand. I just want someone to talk to. I just need some advice. I don't drink, so I don't really want to go into a gay bar. I don't like the scene here in the Midlands that much. If you haven't guessed already, I'm an Asian closet guy.

Sometimes I feel really guilty being the way I am. I have been born and raised in a very strict household and I have not been able to experience some things which other people may have. This just makes me so upset and if I'm honest I do sometimes get depressed thinking about my life ahead - if I will be able to ever enjoy a healthy relationship or find some real genuine gay guys.

The 2 guys who were on my course at uni, were very camp (I don't like to label people), but I am just not into camp guys and I myself am very straight acting.

I really don't know what to do. I will be renting accommodation on the outskirts of London, not exactly the best place as it is a bit of a journey to the campus in central London.

I would really appreciate your advice. I know that you are very busy with the blog and the numerous e-mails you must receive.

Please help me.

As soon as I read this I immediately sent him an email, telling that him that I'm sure he'll be fine when he comes to London. There are bound to be other new students like him, who don't have any friends in London yet. Of course, I also offered to do a "Dear GB" posting for him. The next day I got his reply:

Thanks so much for responding so quickly. There might be other guys like me, but I don't know anyone at all in London and if I'm honest, I don't really want to go out on my own. I have always been to restaurants/cinemas/shopping with my straight friends or cousins, but it's so hard when I have to put a fake act on and pretend to like girls. I just want to be myself, let my inhibitions go and just be me. I don't like being this alter-ego kind of guy that has to follow the "norm".

I have found that the only way I can do that is if I start afresh and move out of my strict household, which is why I am going to do my masters in London. I want to broaden my horizons meet some people who are more like me, i.e. gay. Here in the Midlands it's nice but all my friends are straight. Sometimes I have to make up stories about my "interesting" life just to fit in with the straight people I know.

I don't want to be a bother, but if you want you could do a "Dear GB" post, maybe I could see what others have to say - I would really like that. You really are an inspirational guy and I have so much respect for you and the blog you have created, I am sure it has helped so many guys (and women) out there, it certainly has helped me.

Is there any other advice you can give me? I would really appreciate it. Do you know any other Asian gay guys who would be willing to guide/help me?

Sometimes what I really really want is just someone to talk to, someone who can just accept me for who I am.

My first thoughts were that this guy must have had to make friends before, when starting out at a new school or at university. But then I realised that if he comes from a big family which has always lived in the same place, perhaps with lots of aunts and uncles living nearby, then even on his first day at his first school there could have been siblings and cousins in the same school as him. So moving down to London, away from that safe but sterile environment is going to be very good for his personal development. He just needs a bit of confidence :-).

As a student, the easiest way to make friends will be through the college that's he's going to attend. That's because there'll be lots of new students, all feeling a bit lost and hoping to make new friends. As a graduate, he'll be older than most of the new undergraduate students, but there will also be new postgraduate students. The hardest new postgraduate students to make friends with will be the ones who also did their undergraduate degree at his new college, because they'll probably already have a circle of friends. New postgraduates from outside London, including new overseas postgraduates, will be the easiest ones to make friends with.

But of course, to make gay friends he'll have to go to the LGBT union at his London college. At the start of the new academic year they'll be expecting new gay students to be starting their studies, so it'll be a good time to start going along to their events. There may be a few camp guys there, because there's no doubt that some gay guys do behave like that, but I hope that won't put him off. In any case, my experience these days is that there are more so called straight-acting gay guys than camp gay guys on the London gay scene.

Incidentally, I also think that he should join facebook. The fact that he hasn't joined facebook yet suggests to me that he comes from a small close-knit group of friends and family, where everyone sees each other relatively regularly. However, people who live in a more dynamic environment find social networking websites like facebook indispensable for keeping in touch with all their friends and acquaintances. Perhaps some of his friends are already members, in which case joining facebook would be a good way of keeping in touch with them while he's in London. Just because he's gay, there's no reason to lose touch with one's straight friends. If he does join facebook, then to start with he won't have friends on the system, but he mustn't feel embarrassed about that. It's perfectly natural for all new users to start with no friends on the system, and just because he's doesn't have any facebook friends, it doesn't mean that he doesn't have any friends at all!

With all the new people that this reader meets, he must try to be himself. Although it should be the most natural thing in the world, my guess is that he'll find it hard to start with, because for so long he's been pretending to be a straight guy.

Beyond his college, London is a big place with lots of gay life. The GMFA web site is an excellent resource, giving details of different gay interest groups around the country, with a lot of London listings. The gay listings in London's Time Out magazine are also useful. More than that, lots of gay guys in London have profiles on dating web sites like gaydar, so that's another way of meeting other gay guys. I also know have friends who've met up thanks to sites like OutEverywhere.

It's a pity that he's going to be living on the outskirts of the City, because he'd get much more out of London if he lived closer to the centre. My guess is that he's planning to live on the outskirts so that he can live as cheaply as possible. It could also be that the place where he'll be living is owned by a distant family member or family friend, and that consequently he's got a good deal on the rent. In any case, once he's settled into his M.A. course, if he's got any spare time I think he should try and get some sort of part-time job so that he can earn a bit of money. If he can find a way of earning some money, perhaps he'd be able to move closer to his college, which would definitely be a good idea if his intended accommodation is somehow connected with his family. He doesn't need to sever connections with his family, but it would be better if he was more independent.

Back in his home town, I can't help wondering whether some of his friends or cousins suspect that he's gay. If he's been pretending to be interested in girls, then I'd guess that even if he had a girlfriend for a while, it probably didn't last very long. If anyone has guessed it might make it easier for him when he does eventually come out to them. However, I wouldn't suggest that anyone comes until they feel a little bit of gay pride. Since he's been living in the closet, that will take time, so for now I wouldn't suggest that he starts coming out to people from his home town.

Does anyone else have any other thoughts for this reader?

Mixing business and pleasure

2010-08-04T07:09:00.000+01:00

Last week I had to go on a business trip. At the end of the week, boyfriend T was able to join me, so together we headed off for a fun weekend next to the sea. But can anyone work out where we were from the pictures below? And for extra marks, in the bottom picture can anyone say what the tents on the beach were for?

To shake or not to shake

2010-07-31T13:27:00.003+01:00

A reader recently sent me the story below, and asked me to conduct a poll of my male readers. He seems quite keen to know the answer, so if you're a guy, please vote :-).

I'm an observer, but not an observer of everything. I only keep a lookout for select and interesting things. Things like the sounds that emanate from the cubicles in the gents. I know you're now wondering, "what could those sounds be"? Sounds of a guy in distress after a night of chicken tikka massala, or that hot jerk chicken he thought he could handle? That sounds like blowing raspberries, that's the best way to describe those sounds. Then there's another sound that I've been hearing for the past few weeks.

A sound that I hear after a guy has finished peeing in the toilet. There's a few moments of silence, then the zipper sound, and then he exits. I wasn't quite sure what the sound was after the guy had finished peeing. Half of my brain was having one thought and the other half was disbelieving. This needed some investigation!

In my office there's just 3 cubicles in the gents on my floor, so having worked out who the usual suspects were, I waited in the middle cubicle. As far as I was concerned I was undertaking legitimate business. Investigative business.

One of the suspects comes in. He has a pee and pauses. There's what sounds like a wiping sound and then the flush. Surely he didn't have a dump. His shoes were always in standing posture: I used to do yoga so I can bend and see things what most guys wouldn't be able to. My analysis included several weeks of careful observation. The list of suspects grew. I never realized there was such a big market for men who wipe their penises. Where have the days of a good shake gone?

I set out to further analyse. In Muslim homes, one of the first teachings for little boys is to wipe when you pee and wash your hands. I also know that in non-religious families, some mothers encourage good hygiene by wiping their son's penises after a pee. Little boys are clumsy with their aim so understandably they need to wipe not only their penises but everywhere else. I admit, there's something slightly naughty about a shake. Not because droplets could go on hands, trousers or the floor, but because it's marking the territory - just like the animals do on the discovery channel. Additionally, wiping just seems like so much more clinical, and more work.

I tend to favour a good shake. Maybe 2 or 3 average. I think anything beyond 3 shakes and you border on masturbation. If it's before bedtime and I know that some activities with my husband await, I wipe after a pee. But at the office when I stand at a urinal and have had a pee, I don't have any inclination to wipe, and nor do any of the other guys who use the urinals for that matter.

On a recent holiday to Spain I noticed that two of the gent's toilets I visited had no toilet paper. Does that mean the Spaniards prefer to shake and not wipe? On many trips to Soho in London I've not seen any of the gay boys wipe after a pee. In fact, they average 4-5 shakes while looking across at you.

I'm keen to ask a few close friends of mine if they have a preference. Just to get a better idea if this is a growing trend, to work out whether I need to jump on this bandwagon. But as part of my research, perhaps GB's male readers could vote using the buttons on the right hand side.

If you shake, I suggest you pay attention to a little rhyme I learnt ages ago. "If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie!"

Update 8-Aug-2010 8:18am
Well, the poll has now closed and it seems that we're largely shakers, see graph below. I find it interesting that 7% of readers neither wipe or shake, which strikes me as slightly uncivilised. However, I know that some gay guys enjoy the company of men who are a bit bestial! Anyway, in spite of HBH's request to reveal my toilet habits, I'm feeling a bit shy so you'll all just have to guess :-). GB xxx

Soft boy

2010-07-28T07:03:00.000+01:00

A few days ago, I came across a diary that I'd written when I was only 10 years old. That was way before we all had computers, so naturally the diary was hand written.

In some ways, writing a diary is similar to keeping a blog up to date. One has to do it regularly, or there's no point. So perhaps the practice that I got all those years ago writing my little diary was early training to be a blogger!

Looking through my old diary, I found deciphering my appalling young hand-writing quite hard. But eventually I came across an entry that made me laugh:

SCHOOL. It started today. I went to sea all my friends again. We had a new boy his name is Michel. His eyes looked red and I think he is a Soft boy.

Apart from the fact that I can't spell "see", I obviously thought that I was a Tough Boy rather than a Soft Boy, whatever that meant to my young mind LOL! Luckily I've mellowed a bit since then. I don't think I'd have got many Dear GB emails if I'd maintained that attitude to people who need a little bit of help.

When I showed the diary entry to boyfriend T, I also told him that I could remember being at that school, and being very interested in looking at the other boys when they were naked in the showers after sport. But I didn't know why I was interested. Once he'd heard that, he decided that it must have been me who was the Soft Boy after all!

Did any other readers keep diaries when they were children? If so, can anyone let us know what they were writing about when they were around 10 years old?

The Operation

2010-07-24T07:11:00.003+01:00

A few days ago, I went out for lunch with Christine, who's the male to female transgender lesbian that I used to work with. As I walk to the restaurant, I start wondering whether I'll recognise her, because the last time I met her was in the late 1990's when she was a man. But more than that, there's another question on my mind. Has she actually had The Operation and had her bits removed? I'd love to know the answer to that, the only problem is that it feels like quite a rude question to ask!

"Hi, I've got a reservation, the name's GB," I say to the restaurant staff on arrival.

"That's fine," replies the polite maître d', "your guest has already arrived :-)."

As I walk with him to the table, I struggle to see if I can spot Christine before she sees me. But all the tables seem to have two or more people at them, or people who couldn't possibly be her. Suddenly though, we walk around one of the restaurant's large flower arrangements and there she is, and just about recognisable after all.

"Hi," I say to her as I sit down at the table, "it's good to see you again :-). But, um, this does seem a bit strange ..."

"That's OK," she replies in quite a soft voice, "I'm sure you'll get used to it :-)."

Overall, I'm impressed with the transformation. Although on close inspection it is possible to tell that she used to be a man, her face does look feminine. She has quite straight and long hair with a light golden colour, but given her age, I can't help thinking that it must have been dyed that colour.

We start chatting, and gradually, she tells me her story. She'd known since she was a young boy that she should have been a woman. In her early 20's, she said that she almost jumped off a cliff in despair, when she thought that it would never be possible for her to live as a woman. For her banking career and marriage to her wife, she'd managed to put all her gender issues aside, and for a while she thought that she wouldn't have to worry about those issues any more. But eventually, partly as a result of marital problems with her wife, she realised that she'd have to confront and solve the problem.

"Well you do look good," I tell her, "just about recognisable, but much much more feminine!"

"Thank you :-)," she replies, still speaking softly, "You probably don't know the details about how men have a different bone structure to women. For example, I had to have surgery to make my jaw less square."

"Wow, sounds very painful."

"Yes, it was! But thank goodness that everything is over with now :-)."

"So you really have had ALL the surgery then?" I ask, seizing the opportunity. I glance down from her face to her plate in front of her on the table and back to her face again, just to make sure she knows what question I'm trying to ask.

"Oh yes, I had the lower surgery too," she says, with a big smile on her face.

"Wow, how was that?"

"I wasn't prepared for the result," she replies, obviously quite happy to discuss the subject, "It was amazing, because I felt completely re-born. I was crying for two weeks afterwards, tears of joy! I didn't expect to feel that way."

I also didn't expect to hear that answer. I definitely enjoy that part of my anatomy, so hearing how wonderful it was for someone to have it all cut off is difficult to understand.

"The only problem now," she continues, "is my teenage children. I feel like a teenager again which is wonderful for me, but I think my children are finding it hard to accept the changes."

"I can understand some of that," I say, "because I also felt like a teenager again when I came out as gay during my 20's."

Finding out how Chris turned into Christine was absolutely fascinating. However, the one subject that I didn't manage to broach was the fact that she put in one of her emails to me that she now regards herself as a gay woman. Maybe we'll get around to discussing that the next time we meet :-).

Joke

2010-07-21T19:14:00.005+01:00

One day, Kai is at school and the teacher asks all the boys in the class what their fathers do for a living.

The boys shout out lawyer, banker, member of parliament etc, but Kai keeps his mouth shut. So the teacher asks him, "Kai, does your father have a job"?

"Yes," answers Kai sheepishly, "My dad dances in a gay club and takes all his clothes off for the men. If they pay enough, he'll go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher quickly sends the other boys out to lunch and takes Kai aside to ask him if that was true.

"No," replies Kai, "the truth is that he plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say!"

I know that there's a mild homophobic reference in the joke, because it expects people to think that being gay is embarrassing. None the less, after England's performance in the World Cup last month, it made me laugh!

The Enchanted Forest

2010-07-18T17:47:00.002+01:00

Earlier this month, the town of Sitges in Spain held its first ever gay pride event, so me and boyfriend T plus a few other friends decided to go along. Although I generally prefer to be in the UK over the summer, when the weather here can be quite reasonable, I also like to try and spend a week somewhere in southern Europe too. The gay pride event in Sitges provided a perfect excuse for such a holiday. Having booked the flights, plus a nice apartment near the centre of town with its own swimming pool, we were all set.

The main gay pride parade itself was quite impressive, and much more colourful than the corresponding event in London. Indeed, the London gay pride parade is more political, with lots of different sections of British society just marching to show that they've got gay people as well. By contrast, the Sitges event was simply good fun! A lot of work had gone into all the floats in the parade, and everyone was just there to enjoy themselves :-).

A couple of days after the gay pride parade, it's way past midnight and I'm wandering back to our apartment with boyfriend T.

"Look GB," says boyfriend T casually, "There are a few guys loitering down there on the beach, what do you think they're doing?"

"Most likely cruising each other!" I answer sagely.

Indeed, one of my friends had told me that some of the beaches can get quite cruisey at night, and presumably during gay pride week there's more activity than usual.

"Really?" replies boyfriend T sounding surprised, "I've never been to a cruising area, so can we go and have a look?"

"OK, but cruising isn't really a spectator activity."

We head down to the beach and start walking along amongst the small number of guys who're down there. I try to look uninterested, and I manage to catch the eye of a couple of guys as I walk past them, but boyfriend T is a bit like a little puppy who's been let out to play in the garden for the first time! After a short while, we head up to the promenade and continue our stroll home.

"Not much going on was there :-(," says boyfriend T.

"Actually, I thought that there was quite a lot going on!" I answer, "I mean, what were all those guys doing down there? Sure, everyone looked as though they were minding their own business, but I managed to catch the eye of a few of them :-)."

"Really? How did you do that??"

"Well, you have to act cool, and pretend that you're just there for a walk or something," I explain, "and then eventually, just with eye contact and a perhaps a nod of the head, it might be possible to follow a guy somewhere a bit quieter for some fun!"

"Oh, is that how it works?"

"Yes, probably!" I reply.

"OK then," says boyfriend T laughing slightly, "show me how you'd do it then!"

I start laughing too, which of course is one of the worst things to do in a cruising area. Spotting a tree a short distance away, I walk towards it, managing to regain my composure on the way. Once at the tree, I turn round to lean against it, resting one foot on the trunk and with a distant expression on my face. Boyfriend T walks up to look at me, and starts laughing.

"Stop it!" I say with a broad smile on my face, before losing my composure and laughing too, "Cruising is a serious business!!"

"I think I understand," replies boyfriend T, "So can we go back and have another look sometime?"

"I've got a better idea. There's a cruising area just outside town called The Enchanted Forest. It's just inland from the gay nudist beach. We could have a walk out there sometime :-)."

So one afternoon a few days later, while our friends are relaxing around the pool in our apartment, me and boyfriend T decide to take a walk out to The Enchanted Forest.

"How did you find out about this place?" asks boyfriend T on the way.

"I visited it once with ex-boyfriend S in the 1990's. I imagine that it's still there, but be prepared in case it doesn't exist now. I can't be certain."

"And did you have sex with ex-boyfriend S while you were there?" asks boyfriend T.

"No! Why do you ask?"

"Good!" he answers, "Having sex with one's boyfriend in a cruising area seems so unnecessary and unromantic."

"Maybe," I reply, "but it's also quite a horny idea, don't you think?" and with that I reach over and give his swimming trunks a slight tug downwards. He looks at me disapprovingly.

It takes about fifty minutes to walk out to the forest. The first sandy bay we reach is the straight nudist beach, but continuing along the railway tracks we soon reach the second bay which is where the gay nudist beach is.

"Right," I say authoritatively, "The Enchanted Forest is just across the railway tracks from here!"

Looking both ways to make sure that no trains are coming, we cross the tracks and head into the forest. Soon we come to an area where the trees are quite widely spaced.

"Actually it's mildly disgusting," whispers boyfriend T, in case there's someone listening who we can't see, "I've spotted a couple of used condoms. Why can't guys take their mess with them?"

Hanging up on one of the trees we see some swimming trunks too, although it's far from obvious as to what they're doing there! Deeper inside the forest, we come across another area with literally dozens of discarded condoms and condom wrappers, plus discarded tissues draped over some of the plants. I feel a bit like a big game hunter looking for a rare rhinoceros. There's lots of evidence of cruising all around, but no actual cruisers. However, I decide not to treat it as a hunting expedition and examine the discarded tissues in detail, because working out how old the tissues are is unlikely to help us find the most active cruising area!

On our way back to the railway line, we cross the area where the trees are quite widely spaced again, but this time we're not alone. There are a couple of guys loitering there, apparently just minding their own business, and as we pass by they look us up and down. But then we see another guy approaching, and boyfriend T looks at me in horror. Apart from his boots, this guy is completely naked!

Boyfriend T quickly heads off in the opposite direction, trying to make sure that the naked guy doesn't get any closer to him. Although I can't resist looking the naked guy up and down, he's not at all my type so I decide to follow boyfriend T back to the beach. The walk back into Sitges is uneventful, but along the way we discuss what had just happened.

"That's just too much!" says boyfriend T to me when we're out of earshot.

"But at least there's no doubt that we found some guys cruising :-)," I reply, finding the situation mildly amusing.

"Indeed!" answer boyfriend T, "But honestly, what's the point of all your advice about looking like one is minding one's own business and trying to be cool, when some guys just cut through all that bullshit by cruising in the nude?"

On holiday again

2010-07-14T07:57:00.001+01:00

I guess I should apologise to readers for my lazy blogging recently. Only a week after I asked readers to guess where I took boyfriend T for our one year anniversary, I'm now asking readers to guess where we've gone on holiday! When I'm away from London I find it hard to find time to blog, but since I hate leaving it too many days without posting, putting up a couple of holiday pics gives me something to post with minimal effort.

So, can anyone guess where the pics below were taken? And for additional marks, can anyone say why we chose this particular holiday destination?

Shopping

2010-07-10T07:48:00.002+01:00

Last weekend, while I'm away at Cliveden with boyfriend T celebrating our one year anniversary, we start chatting about what's important to us in our lives.

"So how important am I to you?" I ask boyfriend T over dinner on the first night.

"Very important of course :-)," he replies without thinking, smiling at me.

"But how important am I relative to other things in your life, such as your work, your friends, your family etc?"

"I guess they're all important, but there's one equally important thing that you've missed out," he says, with a cheeky glint in his eye, "... Shopping!"

"What?" I reply in disbelief, "you mean that I'm only as important to you as a shopping trip??"

"I really really enjoy shopping!" he laughs, "so all I'm saying is that shopping is important to me as well :-). Don't you just LOVE going shopping?"

"Well it's OK," I answer, not sure how serious he's being, "although I usually get tired of it after a couple of hours or so."

Thinking back, I can remember having a similar conversation with ex-boyfriend P. He told me that he'd sometimes end up on marathon shopping trips with friends, lasting literally all day. On one occasion, he also told me that he thought that I was a bit of a lightweight when it comes to shopping, because I always end up getting bored!

"But do you enjoy all types of shopping," I ask, "including shopping for more mundane items such as toilet paper?"

"Sure," he replies, "it's still shopping :-)."

Actually, I do think that some types of shopping can be fun, for example when one visits all the top fashion stores and tries on new clothes :-). However, I definitely find shopping for every day items a real chore :-(. I've known quite a few gay guys who love shopping, so perhaps boyfriend T's attitude isn't that unusual for a gay man. Since he's still very closeted, though, it may be a problem for him. Some of his characteristics are very straight, but if he wants to hide his sexuality, this addiction to retail therapy is a real give-away!

Anniversary weekend trip out of London

2010-07-06T12:37:00.001+01:00

Just over a year ago, I took boyfriend T to watch the Gay Pride parade in London. It was over breakfast the following day that we agreed to be boyfriends! So for our 1 year anniversary of being each other's boyfriend, we took a short trip out of London to celebrate :-). But can any readers guess where we went from the pictures below?

Time Out

2010-07-02T07:54:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago, I received a request from London's Time Out Magazine for an interview. They wanted a face to face meeting with blogger GB, and a photoshoot too, but I'm far too shy to go along with those ideas! However, Time Out is a well respected publication, so I found the concept of doing an interview for them hard to resist. Following an exchange of emails, I eventually agree to talk to one of their editors anonymously on the telephone. And a couple of weeks later, this blog ends up being one of five blogs featured in an article titled "The London Sex Diaries" :-).

In the article, they call me "The anonymous sexed-up city worker", and print an excerpt from my post about visiting a guy for fun wearing Black Tie. After that comes the interview:

Tell us a little about yourself ...
I've been working in banking since the late 1980's. I had a long term boyfriend from 1989 to 2007. Since then I've had three boyfriends.

Why did you start the blog?
I thought that I had a few stories that I could tell. I liked the concept that someone could write about all this naughty stuff and remain anonymous. It's very cathartic.

As well as writing about your sex life, you've branched out into relationship advice. Why?
The sex stuff became repetitive so I was getting bored of it. People started to write to me for advice and that seemed to get quite popular.

Have any former partners realised it's you?
My ex-boyfriend had no idea. But another boyfriend I had briefly did. We were on holiday and he saw the words "Gay Banker" on my computer. He ended up finding it online before I was able to explain.

What won't you write about?
A lot of people put a lot more detail in about who did what to whom. I shy away from that. For me, it's more about the conversations. There's a bit of soft stuff about kissing and touching but I don't go any further than that, rather than including all that "I put my cock in his arse" sort of stuff.

I'm always a bit wary of any contact with the media, because some journalists and publications seem to make a living out of writing nasty things about people and wrecking their lives! However Time Out doesn't seem to be like that, and indeed, from my point of view they wrote a good article :-).

If any London based readers are interested in seeing the full article, it's in the current Time Out magazine (July 1-7 2010). However, readers elsewhere won't be able to get a copy, so in case anyone's interested the other four featured bloggers are:

Girl with a One Track Mind: she's the famous blogger who was outed just as the book about her sex life was published. A perfect example of the media wrecking someone's life!
Men I wish I hadn't slept with: what a great title :-). But it's by a straight woman rather than a gay man!
Naïve London Girl: A kinky American woman on the loose in London.
MonMouth: The bondage-loving guy who likes to try anything. Although as far as I can tell from glancing briefly at his blog, he's straight!

Did any readers of this blog see this article in print?

Perverted gay practices at Cambridge University

2010-06-28T20:35:00.001+01:00

Earlier today, a reader sent me a link to this fascinating interview with gay British Historian David Starkey, which was conducted by The Daily Telegraph newspaper a couple of years ago. My favourite quote in this interview relates to when Starkey was talking about gay life as he knew it when he was at Cambridge University. Starkey said:

'... and there was a strange kind of university subculture on the more extreme fringes of the gay scene which operated on the principle of the higher the intelligence, the more perverted the practice.'

As soon as I read that, I immediately thought of the quote by French philosopher René Descartes who lived 400 years ago. Back then, Descartes said:

The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.

So I guess not much has changed since Descartes time!

In connection with gay Cambridge guys, early last year a reader who called himself 'bristolgrad' left a comment on one of my posts about dating in which he said:

I'm in my 20s, and I have dated three Cantabrigians, all three of whom turned out to be complete weirdos. Three is obviously not big enough a sample size but sufficient to raise questions in my head. The first slept with probably half of East Anglia. I have casual sex too but this guy takes it to a whole different level. The second was gorgeous and intelligent but was very brusque and rude and the third thought he had the world at his feet and small grammatical errors would trigger very queeny fits of indignation.

Bristolgrad's comment just makes me wish that Starkey had gone into a little bit of detail about exactly what practices the higher intelligences of Cambridge university enjoyed!

Do any readers have any experience in dating Cambridge guys? Or guys from any other other well known universities?

A few LGBT surprises

2010-06-26T08:19:00.000+01:00

A few days ago, I get an invite on the business connections network Linked-in to add someone called Christine to my list of contacts. I don't really use Linked-in much, but I always accept connection invites from people I know. This invite is a bit of a surprise, though, because I can't think of anyone called Christine who would want to connect with me. However, when I open the email that accompanies the invite, I get an even bigger surprise:

Hello GB,

I wondered what you were up to these days. I have changed my name since we last met - and everything that goes with it. Do you fancy meeting in London for a coffee sometime?

Best wishes - Christine (you knew me as Chris)

I feel absolutely astounded because I immediately realise that I used to work with this person in the early 1990's. He used to be a trader, and certainly not someone who I'd ever have thought would want to have his bits cut off. Checking Christine's profile on Linked-in, I see a picture of a woman that could very easily be the new him, and what looks exactly like the career history of the person that I knew as Chris. The invite is obviously genuine so I clearly can't refuse. I accept Christine's invitation to be in my in contact list and send her a supporting email:

Hi Christine,

It was a real surprise to get your linked-in invitation this morning, partly because I don’t think we’ve met since the 1990's, and partly because I haven’t met many transgender people. When we worked together, I recall that you seemed to be very close to your wife, so I certainly didn't expect your news. I presume that you’re no longer married, so I hope the transition wasn’t too difficult. On my side I think a lot of people that I’ve worked with in the financial markets know that I’m gay, and although I split up with the boyfriend that I had since 1989 a couple of years ago, I’ve got a new boyfriend now :-).

Best wishes, GB

However, the next day, her response genuinely shocks me:

Hi GB,

Actually I am still technically married. My spouse and I live entirely separate lives but from the same house where we share the children. I regard myself as a gay woman ...

As soon as I read that last line, I have to stop reading to try and let the information sink in. All I can think of is the episode "D-Yikes!" from South Park series 11 episode, where the male to female transgender character Janet Garrison decides that she's really a lesbian. Eventually I manage to read the rest of Christine's email, where again she suggests that we meet up for coffee, so I send a reply to accept her offer. However, although I try to compose a response to the fact that she now regards herself as a gay woman, I'm at a complete loss in terms of what to say. In the end, I decide not to mention it at all, because I have no idea what an appropriate comment would be.

I often share interesting emails that I receive from friends or whoever with boyfriend T, so I forward Christine's email to him, and tell him how shocked I am by her latest revelation. To my further surprise, his reply is very sympathetic to her situation:

Wow, this is a really interesting story. You should be kind to her, because can you imagine what a tough life she's had? Don't let her know how surprised you were, and that you think that she might be a bit weird! One thing I really admire about this country is that people tend to accept diversities like this, which are really not welcome in my home country.

I suppose boyfriend T is right. However, when I think back to when I knew Christine as Chris, there was always something a bit attention-seeking about his behaviour. But even if someone has an attention-seeking behaviour disorder, surely they wouldn't go this far just to get their kicks?

Human frailties

2010-06-22T07:37:00.001+01:00

A few months ago, the bank that I work for entertained a large group of clients at a London theatre. The bank paid for a lot of the best seats in the theatre, invited various clients to attend, and then after the show they hired a smart restaurant nearby for dinner. Although I'm not usually involved in client entertainment, I went along at the last minute to make up the numbers when a sales colleague was unable to attend.

The show was good, but the dinner afterwards was fascinating because it turned out that the actors from the play had also been invited to dinner. As a result, rather that entertaining the bank's clients, I found myself chatting to a young actor in his mid 20's who was seated on my right.

"I really liked the play :-)," I say to him, as an easy way of starting the conversation.

"Thanks," he replies smiling coyly at me, "I'm glad that you enjoyed it :-)."

We chat a bit about the play, and how he got into acting. He mentions women a lot, so presumbaly he's straight, but nonetheless a little later the conversation becomes interesting for other reasons.

"It can be quite difficult being an actor," he says, "because one can't always find work."

"I guess you have to take part time jobs then," I reply, "while you look for acting jobs in your spare time?"

"Yes, but when I'm not working, I REALLY miss the excitement of being on stage, and the buzz that one gets from the audience!"

"I'd never thought about that side of things," I admit. "I suppose that's an extra incentive to find acting work."

"Yeah, but sometimes I'll need to find other ways to get the buzz. For example, I love spending all night in a casino. If I'm on a winning streak, it's almost better than being on stage!"

I'm always fascinated by human frailties like this. In my case, although I enjoy gambling, drinking, and even drugs, I guess I'm lucky that I'm not addicted to any of them. However, long time readers of this blog will know what my weakness is. I'm definitely addicted to men!

Email from a guy whose boyfriend cheated on him

2010-06-18T06:12:00.000+01:00

Just over two weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've been following your blog for about three years now - I started reading it when I was 20, just before I began to 'come out' to friends, families, and started to date guys. It has been a big help, especially since I am from what you might consider to be a small, conservative Northern town. Fortunately, my line of work is academia, so it was a lot easier to be completely open in the university city I live in now. I started by dating a very cute slightly older (26) American guy, who was studying at the same university as me. I became incredibly infatuated - this was the first man I even kissed, never mind the rest of the activities ;). Anyway, after a couple of months, I found out that he was also in a relationship with a woman. I knew he was bisexual, but it was devastating nonetheless. I pined, and tried to keep in contact, but eventually he moved away, and we no longer speak.

A few months after that, I met a great guy a similar age to me, and we quickly began an incredibly intense relationship, before moving in with each other 10 months later. Frequently, following the advice of your blog and your opinions on monogamy (which, in the main, I agree with), I asked him if he was happy being in an exclusive relationship. He was always adamant that he was, and that he did not want to share me with others. I was fairly happy with this, and behaved myself, apart from a couple of drunken kisses in nightclubs. After about 18 months (only last week) I discovered, rather naughtily by seeing his gaydar profile messages when he left his PC on, that he has been sleeping around from almost the start of our relationship, and that he has slept with at least 5 other people (that he will admit to!). Obviously, my trust is completely destroyed, and I have told him I no longer want to be in a relationship with him. I am completely devastated, and have moved out. I know that I can't be with somebody who has treated me with so little respect, whether intentionally or through poor willpower.

But I worry terribly about him - he is very aware he has destroyed the only constant thing in his life, and what he (allegedly!) considers to be the most important also. We have such a similar friend group, and unfortunately most people are insisting on taking sides against him, even though I have stressed this is not what I want. He will always be one of the most important people in my life. My question has two parts. Firstly, how did you manage to reconcile your emotions when you split up with S after not being monogamous without him knowing? Did you feel guilty, and, if so, did you eventually manage to overcome your guilt and move on easily? I love him so much that it kills me to see him like this, especially since it's his own fault. This leads to my second question: am I strange? Should I simply not care about how he feels because he has treated me so poorly, and try and move on without caring what he thinks? I know he's bad for me, and I am of course young enough to enjoy singledom again when I start to feel a little bit less down!

Any advice much appreciated,

I was glad to hear that this reader had followed the advice on my blog, by which I presume he means my advice to keep discussing monogamy with one's boyfriend and be open to changes. However, given frequent opportunities to opt for a more open relationship, it's appalling that this reader's boyfriend started having sex with other guys behind the reader's back. The only explanation that I can think of is that the reader's boyfriend is very immature and unable to connect his words with his actions, and hence take responsibility for the way he behaves.

My situation with ex-boyfriend S was a bit different. We'd been together for much much longer, and consequently ex-boyfriend S had become somewhat dependent on me. So when I finally told him that I'd been meeting other guys for fun, I also made it clear that I had no intention of leaving him. That continued to be my intention up until I realised how ill he had become, and that the only way that he'd get better would be if we were to split up :-(. Of course I should have discussed my desire for a more open relationship with him much earlier, however once I'd tried to put things right, I feel that ended up looking after ex-boyfriend S as well as I could have done. I bought him a house to live in, and I continue to look after him in various ways from a distance. Although I now have another boyfriend, we still see ex-boyfriend S socially, and I still have an emotional bond with him. So the answer to the reader's question is that I haven't moved on easily, because I'm still connected with ex-boyfriend S! I probably should have felt guilty, so perhaps it's one of my personality flaws that looking back, I don't think I did.

The reader's other question is a bit more interesting, about whether he's strange for still caring about his ex-boyfriend. I don't think it's strange, I just think that it means that he's still emotionally involved with his ex-boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with that, indeed, as I said in the previous paragraph I still have an emotionally bond with ex-boyfriend S. The post that I did a couple of months ago with the title What's the opposite of love is relevant here. That post discussed how some people think that the furthest from love is indifference and that hate lies somewhere in between indifference and love. However, the reader doesn't seem to hate his ex-boyfriend at all. The fact that he still "worries terribly about him" and that his ex-boyfriend will "always be one of the most important people in [the reader's] life", means that the reader's emotions are much closer to love!

So given that the reader still has feelings for his ex-boyfriend, the key question is should he consider trying to repair their broken relationship? My advice would be, not yet, and not ever unless the reader is comfortable with some kind of open relationship. Given that the reader's relationship with his ex-boyfriend was quite intense, it could be that the reader is suffering from some version of Stockholm Syndrome, because he's feeling love for the person who captured his emotions while abusing his trust! So for now, I think the reader should try dating a few other guys, to try and get his ex-boyfriend out of his system. After a couple of months, his feelings for his ex-boyfriend will probably subside, leaving him free to try and find a new boyfriend :-).

Do any other readers have thoughts on this situation?

Forbidden love

2010-06-14T07:34:00.000+01:00

A few days ago, a reader sent me a link to a horrifying story about legalised homophobia in the USA. Basically, a South Korean guy got married to an American guy in San Francisco in 2008, but was subsequently denied re-entry into the USA to be with his partner. Coincidentally, a couple of weeks ago another male reader had sent me a short story about one of his own experiences entering the USA after legally marrying his American same sex partner. Luckily, things turned out much better for this reader than they did for the South Korean:

January 2008, crossing into the USA from Canada

I am Spanish, in the visa-waiver category, and as such it can be difficult to enter the USA as LGBT tourist. But if you are in a same-sex marriage to a US national, and you are "out" about it, it seems to be even harder. This story is funny now, but back then it felt very intimidating.

My experience was when re-entering the USA with my partner, after crossing to Vancouver where we got married. On the way back to Seattle, this happened:

Immigration Check-point. Entering by car

US Officer: Hello Gents!
My partner and I: Hello sir.

US Officer: Can I have your passports?
My partner and I: Here you are.

US Officer: Where do you come from?
My partner and I: Vancouver

US Officer: How do you know each other?
My partner: I lived in Uruguay for nine months, and despite the fact he is Spanish-passport holder and now lives in Spain now, back then he lived in Uruguay too.

US Officer: Ok, and what's your relationship now?

My partner stares at me warily ...

My partner: We are married! (showing off the wedding ring)

The officer looked at me ballistically.

US Officer: Do you have your return ticket to Spain?
Me: No, I don't. But you have it on your computer. (Because I had entered the US a couple of days before from Spain, and in the airport they registered everything on the computer)

US Officer: Well, I do not. If I had it I wouldn't be asking you. But, when are you leaving?
Me: Next weekend.

US Officer: And, how can I know you're going to leave the US when you have your US partner? (By de facto for the first time ever the US federal government or agency recognized same-sex unions (that was Jan. 2008, Bush Administration)

Me: (Looking down at him and making faces of "I don't feel comfortable in this place") Leaving the US? Yes, I will! Believe me, I will!

My partner: (coming back into scene) I am moving to Spain in a month.

US Officer: OK, here are you passports, BUT make sure you bring your return ticket next time.

Ironically, as we departed, Madonna's song "Forbidden Love" suddenly started playing on our iPod. We looked at each other and laughed!

The times before I had entered the US, I had no problems or intimidation, just average questions. But this time, I believe they knew we were getting married, so they had to ask "What's your relationship now?"

Anyway, as I said, looking back it's funny now :-).

GHO: naked parties in the USA

2010-06-10T07:26:00.001+01:00

A couple of days ago, a reader who corresponds with me regularly sent me the following email, in response to the posting that I did about naked parties in London:

Hi GB,

In response to your query about any of your readers attending "naked parties", the answer from New England is "Yes!" About five years ago I found a group called "GHO" for "Gay Hotel Orgy" (not to be confused with the golf tournament that they have in Connecticut, the Greater Hartford Open). These occurred every few months in local hotels, at either noon to 2pm, or after work between 6pm and 9pm, and attended by usually 18 to 24 men of ages ranging from late 20's to 60's. Not all of them gay, a number of married bisexuals attended as well. Their purpose was simple and straightforward: sex with as many guys as willing and able. More oral activity than anal penetrative--oh, hell--just call it fucking--and always cautioned to practice "safe sex." All activity occurred in full view of all participants--no quiet dark corners for private coupling. Condoms and lube provided; recreational drugs prohibited. I attended at least half a dozen of these, over several years. The group was run by a guy out of Chicago who travelled throughout the country, setting up "parties" in cities from coast to coast. Venues were advertised on his web site, exact location given by phone day of meeting. Sadly, this venture died, to be replaced by another group with different name but same purpose. This too collapsed, inexplicably. It was really great experience, meeting all sorts and conditions, so to speak, including once quite unexpectedly a friend who was also a sex buddy.

If you would like to read more, I have kept contemporary accounts of some of these meetings and would be happy to share.

Keep up the good work.

I was intrigued about what kind of 'contemporary accounts' he'd kept, so I got him to send me one of his accounts from about five years ago. In the email, he pointed out that it's much more pornographic than the things that I usually publish here, and he's not wrong about that! None the less, if case any of my most broad-minded readers want to read his account of a GHO meeting, press here.

Writing up this experience while it's still fresh in my mind. GHO met at a motel in Southern New England earlier today, from noon to 2:00 p.m. Our host was a late 30-ish good looking black guy. I was the fourth guy to arrive, around 12:15, and found my 30-ish white guy buddy from previous GHO encounter being mauled by a grizzly bear. He recognized me, gave a nice smile and beckoned me over to the bed. I quickly stripped and lay down next to him to join in the fun. Grizzly had short trimmed hair and beard, salt ‘n’ pepper, big belly, average cut cock. He was an avid cock sucker; his deep throat technique was marvelous. While my cub and I deep tongued each other, grizzly went deep on my cock, much deeper than most guys I have been with. The three of us continued to pleasure one another while three other guys arrived and stood around, fully clothed, seemingly unsure about joining the group. Then the cub went to the oldest guy, probably mid 60’s, opened his fly, took out the guy’s cock and started sucking it. This broke the ice, as the other two guys, looked like mid-30’s, also stripped to join the action. #3 was a real nice looking guy, especially when he was naked and with a hardon. He was first to shed clothes, medium height and build, shaved head, trimmed stache and goatee, small tattoo on his shoulder blade. Sort of reminded me of classic Greek statue—except his dick was intact! He had a very nice cut cock at least 7” and thick at the base; stood straight out, demanding attention; pubes shaved except for a little patch of blond hair over his cock. #2 was a little bit taller, slimmer and more nervous—but as soon as he was stripped he knelt in front of #3 and started sucking his cock. Then I knelt down on the floor and took #2’s cock into my mouth—not as hard as it really should have been for a young guy—and sucked him for a while. Eventually it seemed that everyone had a taste of everyone else, except the older guy, who said he had never sucked cock, didn’t want to, just wanted to be sucked. Selfish of him, I thought, but what the hell. #3 had very sweet pre-cum; would like to have had a load from him. I also gave head to the older guy for a few minutes. Our host, 40’ish black guy, was still fully clothed. I asked why he didn’t join us; replied that he never did it on Wednesdays. Within a few minutes, however, #3 guy was nuzzling up to him, deep tongue kissing, rubbing crotches. Black guy started responding, rubbing his crotch against 3’s bare ass. #3 then turned around, unzipped his shorts; I reached in and stroked his hard cock. It didn’t take long for his shorts to come off and for the two of them to lie down on the bed. In the meantime cub and #2 were making out sucking one another. I stood behind cub while 2 was mouthing cub’s cock furiously. I said to cub, if he keeps on like that, you’re gonna cum, whereupon cub started to buck and breathe hard and then shot his load on 2’s face, rubbed it over his lips and chin. Cub apparently had enough of a good time then, so he cleaned up and got dressed. I asked if he would like to meet for lunch some time next week, but he knew he would be busy with work then but would probably be able to meet following week. Hug and kiss and goodbye. Back to bed, where grizzly was entertaining #2 while keeping an eye on black guy and 3. They were lying together with black cock up 3’s white ass; both seemed to be in ecstasy. Then #2 sucked 3’s cock for a while, and grizzly took mine in his mouth for a few minutes, then turned around and presented his ass for penetration. Never one to turn down an invitation, I pushed my hard cock into his well-lubed ass. Unfortunately, the angles of the cock and the hole were not comfortably compatible—I was standing, he was on hands and knees on bed, not quite the right height, so this didn’t last long. Grizzly really wanted something hard up his ass (earlier he had pushed my hand to his ass to give him some finger wave), so he then moved over to #3, who was lying sideways with our host’s cock up his ass and his big hard cock sticking up so invitingly that grizzly just had to sit down on it, impaled himself on 3’s cock and moved up and down for a few minutes. Grizzly thoughtfully cleaned 3’s cock with a damp towel, so 2 could go back to sucking and jacking 3. 3 eventually shot his load on to 2’s face, and then I sucked 3’s cock to get remaining juice, some to taste and some to put on my hand to lube my cock for JO. 2 was right next to me and indicated that he wanted my cum on his face. I was happy to oblige, although I would have preferred to have my cock deep in his mouth while cumming, but I can be accommodating. It was a strange sensation rubbing my sensitive cock head against his slightly stubbly cheek. He then took care of grizzly the same way. We all then cleaned up, got dressed, two younger guys left, while grizzly and I chatted with the black guy for a few minutes. Then I went back to my car, back to work, having very much enjoyed lunch.

I hope you have enjoyed this report. It’s as accurate as I can remember, although there are surely details not recorded. Need I say I am eagerly looking forward to next meeting of GHO.

Naked parties

2010-06-06T09:48:00.002+01:00

"Have you ever been to one of these naked parties, GB?" asks a friend over dinner recently.

"No," I answer truthfully, "I've never been on the London gay orgy circuit."

Although I'm not entirely sure if that's what my friend is referring to!

"Can anyone go along?" I continue. "A few friends of mine used to go to various London orgies, and I think one of them actually hosted an orgy once."

"This isn't something that happens in people's houses," my friend replies. "I think you have to be a member, but I believe anyone can join :-)."

With that, he gets out his wallet and shows me his membership card. On the card there's just a number and an expiry date. The fact that there's an expiry date presumably means that membership costs money!

"How often do you go along to these parties then?" I ask.

"I've been three times now, but I think the novelty would wear off if I went too often. Just between you and me, I couldn't get it up the first time! But the second time that I went was great! Really really GREAT!!"

A distant smile gradually drifts over my friend's face, and I start imagining what's going through his mind ...

"Anyway," continues my friend, interrupting my day dreaming, "are there orgy events that happen in people's houses too?"

"Errr, I'm sure that there used to be, because as I said, a friend of mine hosted an orgy once. He told me that there were even professional gay orgy organisers to help you, who arrange things such as all the plastic bin bags that people put their clothes into when they arrive. But I think my friend only hosted an orgy once. There was a terrible mess to clear up afterwards!"

My friend laughs and the conversation slowly drifts onto other subjects.

Later I do some online research, and discover what my dinner companion was talking about. It's called Nudity Club, and it happens twice a month. So it's definitely different to the gay orgy circuit that I was thinking about.

Have any readers been to any naked events, either on the London gay orgy circuit if that's still going, or at Nudity Club? If so, do leave a comment and tell us all what you thought :-).

A philosophical evening

2010-06-02T05:21:00.000+01:00

A few days ago, I went out for dinner with blogger J.P. Rügnitz, who writes the blog A-Philosophical (Here: in my world. He'd been emailing me on and off for a few years, and then last year when he moved to London I did a "Dear GB" posting for him, to try and give him ideas about how to find a good job. But until we went out for dinner together, I'd never met him.

"Hi, are you J.P. ?" I ask, getting up from my seat in the restaurant bar when I see a likely looking guy coming towards me, "did you find this place OK?"

"Yeah, but I had no idea who you were or what you looked like!" answers J.P., clearly feeling that I should have given him a few more clues about myself prior to our rendezvous.

"Sorry about that," I reply, "but now you're here, why don't you go and put your coat in the cloakroom :-)."

I don't normally meet people who know that I write this blog, although I do sometimes make exceptions for established bloggers, like J.P. for example. But given my desire to stay anonymous, even when it comes to meeting established bloggers I always try to hang on to my anonymity until the last possible minute!

We have a drink at the bar, and then after fifteen minutes or so when we've finished our drinks, we move to our table for dinner.

"So why is your blog called A-Philosophical?" I ask once we're seated at our table, "I've never been able to work that one out!"

"It because I studied philosophy at university :-)," answers J.P., "Western philosophy, that is."

During the course of the evening we discover many things about each other. Even though J.P. is still under 30, he's already had an interesting life. Apart from Uruguay, he's lived in the USA, Spain, and now London, picking up and then discarding several lovers along the way!

All too soon it's time to go home. J.P. has a party to go to, and I have a busy day ahead of me the following day so we have to adjourn. One of the things that I like about living in London is the fact that it's such a melting-pot. The more fascinating guys like J.P. who live here, the better!

Angry

2010-05-29T22:46:00.001+01:00

I simply can't believe that it's happened again :-(. Three years after Lord Browne resigned as the chief executive of BP for lying about his gay private life, another stupid gay guy ends up resigning for a similar reason. This time it's Liberal Democrat politician David Laws who's resigned, all because he claimed expenses for renting a room in his partner's house. I'm not saying that he was wrong to resign, I'm sure that it's the right decision given that what he did is against the rules. But why did he pretend to himself that he wasn't in a gay relationship with his partner James Lundie? There are enough stupid people in the world! Someone like David Laws, who used to be an investment banker, really should know better. It really makes me ANGRY!

Lunch with a collegue

2010-05-29T10:14:00.001+01:00

Last month, a colleague who I don't know sent me an email as follows:

Hi GB,

I went out for a drink after work with P recently, and he told me that you're gay. I'm gay too, but I sometimes find it hard to be myself because my immediate colleagues here on the trading floor all seem so straight. Perhaps we could go out for lunch or drinks sometime? We could share our experiences about being gay in the banking world.

Best wishes,

H

I immediately ask my colleague P about H, and when he tells me that H is a nice guy, I reply to his email offering to go out for lunch with him the following week.

On the day, we end up meeting in the restaurant shortly after midday. We get on well together, and we end up talking about a huge variety of topics. We talk about the bank that we both work for, gay life, our boyfriends of course, as well as many other things.

Towards the end of the meal, I ask him a question that had been on my mind since I got his email.

"So why did you want to meet me for lunch? It's always nice to meet new guys, but it was a bit of a surprise to get your email."

"Do you want the direct answer, the official answer, the simple answer, or ..." replies H with a cheeky glint in his eye.

"Oh I think we'd better have the direct answer!" I say bluntly, "I always prefer the truth :-)."

"Well, there were two reasons actually :-)," he replies. "Firstly it's because I've seen you on the trading floor, and you don't seem to have any problem being gay and interacting with all your straight colleagues, so I thought that it would be interesting to meet you."

"Sure, and it's been interesting to meet you too :-)."

"And secondly," he continues, looking me directly in the eye now, "I think you're a very attractive guy."

I start smiling now, but inside I'm completely taken aback by what he's just said.

"Wow, thanks for the compliment :-)," I answer, trying not to disclose my surprise, "but I bet you say that to all the boys!"

Is this guy trying to chat me up? We continue talking, and when its time to get the bill, he insists on paying. We walk back to the bank together, and when it's time to say goodbye, he squeezes my arm slightly in a very friendly way.

"Let's see each other again, perhaps for drinks after work or something :-)," he says, again looking me directly in the eye.

"Um, yes sure :-)," I answer, "it's been fun!"

Walking back to my desk however, I can't help thinking that if we do meet up for a drink after work, I'll need to be careful. Judging from his behaviour, he's definitely the kind of guy that likes to get a girl drunk so that he can have his wicked way with her!

An email from a closeted investment banker

2010-05-25T05:51:00.000+01:00

Just over a week ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I always enjoy reading your blogs and appreciate your unique perspectives. I am writing today as I was hoping to have your quick advice for my unique situation.

I am from an Asian country, but I moved to the US a few years ago for a job transfer. I have been working for a major investment bank in institutional sales since graduating from university. I am gay and have been closeted throughout my life, and I try to be as careful as I can to stay that way.

As you know, the financial community is still very conservative and I do not know anyone who is openly gay or who even looks gay in my work environment. Therefore, I am very nervous about the impacts from both my employer (investment bank) and clients (asset managers) if I ever come out or become outed.

Career wise, I have been somewhat successful so far, and my future is looking OK. However, I am getting more and more nervous as people around me are increasingly more curious as to why I am not married or do not seem to date girls too much.

I am worried not only because my managers and co-workers are very homophobic, but my clients also tend to comment negatively about gays. While I work for an American investment bank, my report line is to Asia where things are still a lot more traditional and conservative. And, my client base also involves both Westerners and Asians. Therefore, I think my situation is more complicated than those who only work with the Westerners.

As I am tired of being worried about someone finding out about my sexuality, I often feel that career change might be a good way to get out of my current situation. But, I am not sure if I have any transferable skills outside of this industry since I only have equity sales experiences without an MBA.

Going onto MBA and getting into a new industry, where sexuality is less of a problem, would be an option. However, people tell me that I am too old for top MBA schools because I would not only waste tuition ($150,000) + 2 years of income, but I would also end up in less attractive job position, and making a lot less money. So, I am not sure if that would be a wise option.

I have also thought of just getting married to a girl and try to suppress my feelings like many other gay/bi guys do. However, my conscience would not let me do so.

In the past few years, I have thought of all sorts of possibilities, but I always got confused and ended up keep doing what I have been doing. However, I am increasingly frustrated and often get depressed.

Since you seem to have great knowledge about (a) how things work in investment banking industry, (b) Asian culture and (c) coming out issues, I was hoping to hear your opinion.

My apologies for the long email, but I would very much appreciate it if you could give me a quick advice. Thank you so much.

Best regards,

I was on holiday in Paris with boyfriend T when I received this email. Nonetheless, I immediately sent him a quick reply suggesting that he tries to think about how he can build confidence as a gay man, and asking him whether he has a boyfriend. For a guy in that kind of situation, a good boyfriend would be a real asset, because he would be able to give the reader a lot of emotional support. His reply was as follows:

Gaining confidence as a gay man is definitely something I would like to work on. I have tried this before but my fear of losing career, friends, and reputation has been too big. No, I have never had a boyfriend. Because it is difficult to go to gay bars as I am so afraid I could get outed by someone, the only place I can search guys has been online. I have tried multiple dating sites, but it is not too easy to meet guys for friendship or long term relationships. It is already difficult to be a minority without native level English skills, to be working in a Caucasian male dominant investment banking industry with high level of homophobia. So, I would need a great level of courage and confidence to come out here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much again for your attention to my email.

Reading his email again, I'm glad that he hasn't forced himself into marriage with a woman. That path isn't likely to lead to long term happiness for either of them, and is particularly unfair on the woman if she doesn't know in advance that her fiance is gay.

More importantly, it's time to point out that the fundamental premise that investment banking is intrinsically homophobic is completely wrong. The key word that all banks are talking about these days is diversity. Googling for the names of a few top banks in conjunction with the word 'diversity' I found the following web sites:

Deutsche Bank diversity
Our commitment to diversity At Deutsche Bank ... goes beyond age, gender, disability, religion, ethnic origin or sexual identity. For us, a diverse culture is not just desirable: it’s an essential part of the way we do business ...

Bank of America (Merrill Lynch) diversity
Has affinity groups for "Asian, Black, people with disabilities, Hispanic/Latino, women, military veterans, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender, ..."

Goldman Sachs diversity
We strive for excellence. To be the best firm ... we hire ... across the full spectrum of gender, ethnicity, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, culture and level of physical ability.

Morgan Stanley diversity
Member of both the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, and the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce NY.

I'm sure that further googling would find equivalent information from the investment banking divisions of all the other global banks, but that would make for a boring post! So as a first step, perhaps the reader should make contact with the people at the bank that he works for who're involved with his bank's diversity programs. Similarly, given that he said that he works for a major investment bank, I'm sure that there'll be a network of gay employees that he could join if he wants to.

It's worth pointing out that this culture of valuing diversity also extends to some bank clients these days. I've heard of a straight salesman being asked by a client about the diversity policy of the bank that he works for, and luckily for this salesman, he was able to give a good answer because he knew about some of the work that his boss did in connection with his bank's diversity programs.

Regarding the networks of gay employees inside investment banks, it's true that relatively few of the people who're involved with those networks work in front office roles like institutional sales, which is where this reader works. With that kind of job, the reader will be working on the trading floor, and there's no doubt it can be a tough environment. But even on a bank's trading floor, I've known gay guys have successful careers provided that they have sufficient confidence. A couple of years ago I wrote a post about something that happened to one gay guy I know. That story proves that it is just a question of confidence.

Another point that I haven't mentioned before is that the people who matter in investment banking really don't mind if someone is gay, with one caveat that I'll mention below. There may be homophobic guys working in less important roles, but in terms of the top guys, I've met enough of them to know how they think. They focus on making money for their banks for hence for themselves, they focus on getting deals done, and they frequently dedicate themselves to their careers. There's no room in their mindset to worry about someone's sexual orientation, but the caveat is that I mentioned above is that if someone is gay, then the fact they're gay mustn't matter to that person either.

Unfortunately the reader isn't yet in that category, because from the way he wrote the email to me, he's clearly very uncomfortable being gay. The fact that he worries about it is his weakness, and because it matters to him, it could be seen as a serious flaw. This is very much what I call the confidence mirror. Being gay doesn't matter, but being worried about being gay means that you must be under-performing as a banker because there's a portion of your energy that is devoted to something that's irrelevant. Having said that, it's difficult to be a successful institutional salesperson, so given that the reader is capable of that I'm sure he's capable of succeeding in his gay life too.

So it really is as I said in my original email response to him. He simply needs to work on building his confidence as a gay man. He doesn't ever need to come out to his clients or colleagues, because his private life is only a matter for him and as I said above, being gay IS irrelevant to his job. However, he needs to be confident enough so that if someone mentions to him that they saw him going into a gay bar, he'll be able to admit it without feeling that he's losing face. He needs to be confident enough that if someone asks him why he's not married, then he'll be able to say that he's been "... looking for a partner for while but hasn't found anyone suitable yet", and then follow up by saying something like "I'm never been that interested in women" if someone offers to set him up on a blind date with a woman.

If he has trouble in taking any steps to develop his gay confidence, then I would suggest that he finds a good psychotherapist for some private counselling sessions. The first steps are always the hardest, but my guess is that once he's on the right path, he'll gradually find it easier and easier to be a happy gay man :-).

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Maternal betrayal?

2010-05-21T07:55:00.000+01:00

"I think if your parents hadn't got divorced when you were young, you might have turned out straight," says boyfriend T to me over dinner last Saturday night while we were in Paris.

"Really?" I reply with a bemused tone in my voice, "how do you work that one out??"

"Well, you've got a few straight characteristics," answers boyfriend T, "so you probably could have gone either way."

"So what made me gay then?"

"You've told me before that you'd do anything to help your mother. So I think that because you were brought up by her, you didn't ever want to have a girlfriend because loving another woman would have felt like you were betraying her. So you ended up gay :-)."

"But I never ever thought that having a girlfriend would have been betraying my mother," I reply, feeling confused, "and I'm sure that she'd have wanted me to find a nice girlfriend, preferably one with good child-bearing hips that could have ended up providing her with grandchildren! I even tried to be straight for a while, before I decided that I was gay :-)."

"I don't doubt any of that, but my theory is about what was going on in your subconscious!"

I've blogged before about how some gay guys had strong women in their lives while they were growing up, so I guess boyfriend T's theory could be true. The only problem with the theory, though, is that it's completely untestable! In any case, at this stage in my life, I'm very glad that I did end up gay :-). If I'd turned out straight, I'd never have met boyfriend T, and I can't bear the thought that I'd have ended being the boyfriend or husband of a female person instead of him!

A weekend trip out of London

2010-05-17T12:58:00.000+01:00

Last Friday evening, me and boyfriend T went on a weekend break outside London :-). We had a great time together, but as a result, I've had no time to write a blog post. In these situations I usually post pics of where I've been, and get readers to guess the location. Last time I did that, it took just 2 minutes (!) before a reader left a comment which correctly identified that I'd been in Dubai. This time I hope that the mystery will last a bit longer. So can anyone work out where I've been from the two pictures below, which were taken on Saturday morning?

An email about circumcision

2010-05-13T07:00:00.002+01:00

About a week and a half ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

Like nearly all white Midwestern Americans born in the late 1970's, I was circumcised at birth. It bothers me that I had no say in the matter and that the procedure is still performed on millions of American infants each year, largely for cosmetic reasons. I am vocal in my opposition to the procedure, but my boyfriend can't comprehend why it bothers me. He thinks I should just forget about it and let life go on and let others do as they want. I don't want to sit back and let the same thing happen to others. What makes things worse is that there is widespread speculation that the American Academy of Paediatrics may actually begin to recommend the procedure in a new policy on male circumcision that is expected out this summer. What is your opinion on the matter? We are not in the middle of Africa were HIV is rampant, and I don't buy the cleanliness argument in this century where there is ready access to water for washing. I've heard that many Britons that think we are crazy in the US to continue the procedure. Would a recommendation for male circumcision make Britons think Americans have gone completely off the deep end? Now that circumcision rates have decreased in the UK for a few generations, do you think there is any danger that Britons will begin to adopt the practice widely?

Thanks for your advice,

Although I've had this blog about gay life for over 5 years now, I've actually never blogged about circumcision. So I guess this post is long overdue :-).

Over the years, I've enjoyed activities with both cut and uncut guys. Looking back, it would have been interesting to have kept a record of what types of guys were cut and what types of guys were uncut, but of course I haven't done that. In terms of enjoying the activities with all the different guys, I'm being quite honest when I say that it's never made much difference to me, because I've always focussed on the guy himself rather than the details of his apparatus. The only thing that I can think of is that I've found it easier to give unfamiliar equipment a hand job when the guy is uncircumcised!

America certainly isn't the only country that routinely circumcises its male children. Although my impression is that British and other European guys tend to be uncut, I'm pretty sure that some East Asian countries also circumcise most of their boys, although since I haven't kept records I'm not absolutely certain. It's also obviously the norm in Islamic countries and Israel. However, I'd be very surprised if it were to become standard in the UK during my lifetime. Perhaps because it's not standard over here I don't think British guys think about it very much, so I doubt that we'd think that Americans are crazy if they do start recommending it. For me, the fact that Americans still can't spell 'colour' after all these years is much more curious.

I can't help wondering what grounds there might be for the American Academy of Paediatrics to make circumcision the recommended policy. I've heard that circumcision makes HIV transmission slightly less likely. Apparently the HIV virus quickly dies when it's outside the body, but when it ends up on a guy's helmet underneath his foreskin, I think it's easier for it to find its way inside his body before it dies. As the reader says, in a modern society where guys wash regularly and change their underwear more than once a week, the cleanliness argument seems a bit weak. In terms of aesthetic appeal and cosmetic beauty, I suppose again I slightly prefer guys to be uncut, in the same way that a car looks better when the engine is under the bonnet rather than out in the open.

I've always wondered if there's any difference in orgasmic sensitivity between circumcised and uncircumcised guys. The fact that an uncircumcised guy's helmet is protected under his foreskin might mean that it's more sensitive than a circumcised guy's helmet, so perhaps it's more fun to be uncircumcised because one might expect that a circumcised guy's helmet gradually becomes slightly desensitised. It would be interesting to hear from any readers that were circumcised during adulthood whether they think there's an effect on sensitivity or not.

Regarding circumcision on religious grounds, I'm very much against it. More generally, I'm against anything that differentiates one set of people from another set of people, because that leads to divisions and ultimately wars! So I support the French for banning religious headscarves on girls in schools, given that most female French students don't wear headscarves. But perhaps in terms of circumcision, that means that all guys need to be circumcised, because I don't see how families can be banned from circumcising their male children.

Another thought is evolution. After several billion years of evolution, guys are born with foreskins,. Presumably this means that there's a good reason for them to be there. This means that unless there's a very good reason to cut them off, surely it makes sense to leave them alone.

Looking at all the different aspects that I've mentioned above, although I don't feel particularly strongly about it, if pushed to make a decision my vote would be for guys to wear foreskins rather than take them off. After all, avoiding circumcision means that a guy's got something else that can be fun to play with :-). For example, does anyone enjoy docking?

Finally, perceptive readers will realise that I've written this entire posting without divulging whether I'm circumcised or not. So you'll all just have to guess!

Do any readers have any views on circumcision?

The right result

2010-05-09T12:36:00.000+01:00

I can't help thinking that all the political parties got what they deserved in the recent UK election. The Labour party lost lots of seats because they've been in power for too long so a change is needed, and because they didn't save any of the taxes that they collected during the good years before the financial crisis. The Liberal Democrat party also lost a few seats, in spite of expectations of a big breakthrough for them, because when people started looking at their policies in detail they were realised how bad some of them were. And although the Conservative party gained lots of seats, they didn't get an outright majority because their leader David Cameron isn't convincing enough!

In spite of boyfriend T's comment he couldn't be boyfriends with someone who wants to get into bed with Brown, in the end I had to vote Labour. However it was mostly a tactical vote. There was a danger that I could have ended up with a Liberal Democrat MP, and given that some of their policies are very much against bankers, that would have felt like a disaster for me.

The only downside is that the result leaves the country with a hung parliament. At the moment, it looks as though David Cameron is going to get into bed with Nick Clegg. I think they'll make a lovely couple :-).

Ejaculations

2010-05-06T07:19:00.001+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, myself and boyfriend T are having dinner with Close Encounters in a smart restaurant when the subject of ejaculation arises.

"There's a guy that I've seen a couple of times who produces enormous porn star quality cum shots!" says Close Encounters, with a real sense of admiration in his voice.

"Wow, really?" I reply, "But do you mean that he's a heavy cummer, or does he just shoot it a long way?"

Of course, the answer to that question is none of my business really, but I can't help myself from wanting to know all the details!

"Both :-)," laughs Close Encounters, and a distant smile gradually creeps across his face as he presumably starts remembering some of the details of his last session with this guy.

"I don't think I've ever been with a guy who's capable of one of those huge cum loads that you sometimes get in porn clips," I say, feeling as though I'm missing out.

"Actually, the guy himself hates it," replies Close Encounters, still smiling, "because there's so much mess!"

Both me and boyfriend T laugh at this, and briefly I wonder what it would be like if I produced a cupful every time I came.

"Incidentally," continues Close Encounters, "what do you think of guys who want to clean up immediately after a session?"

"I think it can mean that a guy isn't completely comfortable begin gay," I answer, after thinking about it briefly. "They want to clean up because they feel guilty that they've just had sex with another guy, so they want to pretend that it didn't happen."

"Yes, I suppose that could sometimes be the reason."

We chat about it a bit more, but gradually the conversation drifts onto other subjects.

Later, I remember that I did once witness a huge load, about seven years ago. I visited a guy who was working backstage in a London theatre on a Sunday afternoon. We had a session in an office there, at the end of which he came all over my chest! Luckily he had a big towel that I was able to clean myself up with. So perhaps the guy that Close Encounters has been seeing is right after all. Big loads can be inconveniently messy!

Does your blood type affect your personality?

2010-05-02T13:29:00.001+01:00

A few days ago while I'm on my way to work, I'm idly browsing through the BBC news web site on my smartphone when I spot an article titled Dating by blood type in Japan. I've never heard of this before, so when I get to work, I immediately send boyfriend T an email to ask him what he knows about it. Later that morning I get his reply:

Actually, I once saw a movie called "My blood B type boyfriend" which was quite a success in Asia. This blood type thing seems more important for women, especially teen girls. I have never been into this. I think it is a very silly thing!

But just for fun, have a look at this website and guess what my blood type is. Any thoughts?

When I open the web site I immediately look for my own blood type (type O), and see that it describes me as "Outgoing, energetic and social, ... extremely self-confident". I've been called all those things in the past, so I start wondering whether there's some truth in the concept :-). However, although I think I know boyfriend T quite well I guess his blood type wrongly 3 times, so maybe it doesn't stand up to scrutiny after all!

Do any readers have any views on this subject?

What's the opposite of love?

2010-04-28T07:47:00.000+01:00

It's great that boyfriend T and ex-boyfriend S get along with each other. Although ex-boyfriend S and me stopped being boyfriends a couple of years ago, I'm still very fond of him, so it's good that he can be included in the circle of friends that me and boyfriend T are slowly building. However, a few days ago, the subject of my other ex-boyfriend came up.

"So when do I get to meet ex-boyfriend P," asks boyfriend T while we're having dinner at home one evening, "I'm ready :-)."

"I don't know," I answer, with a disgruntled tone in my voice, "I broke off all contact with him when we split up. If I ever see him again it'll be too soon :-(!"

"Hmmm," replies boyfriend T, "so you still have feelings for him!"

"What do you mean?" I snap back at him, "he seriously misled me, and although I don't actually hate him, any feelings I have for him are very negative."

"But you obviously still think about him sometimes."

I'm still thinking about the fact that ex-boyfriend P sometimes does come into my thoughts when boyfriend T has a question for me.

"Anyway," continues boyfriend T, "what do you think the opposite of Love is?"

"Hate, of course, why?"

"No it's not," answers boyfriend T sagely, "the opposite of Love is Ignore. Even if you hate someone, then they're still in though your thoughts, so there's something that they can probably do to alter your perception of them. However if you don't even think about them, then that's the furthest possible distance from Love. Love can turn to Hate quickly and vice versa, so if you think about it, you'll realise that they're quiet close!"

It's an interesting idea which had never occurred to me before, so later I do a bit of research on the internet. It turns out that boyfriend T isn't the only person who thinks that way, because I find the following quote from the American psychologist Rollo May:

Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.

Although I remain unconvinced, I can't help wondering whether any readers have any thoughts on this subject?

A guy in the gym

2010-04-24T08:07:00.002+01:00

Every now and then, I wonder what's happened to all the guys that I've encountered over the years, and whether I'll ever run into any of them again. This thought wasn't in my mind yesterday when I went along to one of my usual group exercise gym classes, but during my class, I notice that there are a couple of new male participants that I haven't seen there before.

"That new guy looks cute :-)," I think to myself during one of the pauses between exercises.

Then suddenly I recognise him! It's a guy who I'd visited for fun on a few occasions early last year. I'd even gone out for dinner with him once, after which he came back and stayed the night with me in my house. I had wondered whether he'd make a nice boyfriend, but after the dinner I'd decided that he was a bit dull, so I didn't pursue anything with him.

Nonetheless, I remember that he's a nice guy so all through the class I keep glancing in his direction, trying to smile at him and make eye contact. However, either he doesn't notice, or he doesn't want to notice! Perhaps he's upset that I wasn't interested in deepening our casual friendship.

"Hey," I say to him after the class, "I think I visited you in your apartment last year :-)."

He looks at me and smiles, but it's quite a distant smile.

"Yes," he says after a short pause, "I think we have met before."

"Have you done that class before?" I ask, trying to make the conversation last, "I haven't noticed you in there before."

"I only started recently," he replies, "but I'm quite enjoying it."

We chat a bit more as we both head to the men's changing room, and gradually the conversation becomes easier.

Once in the changing room, we make our way to our own lockers, which turn out to be quite close to each other. He's a bit faster than me at stripping off, and as I'm about to take my shorts off, I look up to see him smiling at me.

"Hey," he says, with a cute smile on his face and looking me straight in the eye, "are you coming into the sauna?"

All his muscles are glistening slightly with sweat. Indeed, he looks magnificent standing there wearing nothing except a white towel around his waist, which only just covers his essentials so that it's possible to see a bit of pubic hair peeping over the towel.

"Um," I reply, hesitating, "actually I got to get back to work :-(".

"Pity ...," he says, looking me up and down approvingly.

"See you soon I hope :-)," I say smiling at him, and with that he heads off towards the sauna.

Later, I tell boyfriend T all about what happened.

"So why didn't you go into the sauna with him?" he asks me.

"I don't need to do that kind of thing any more, not now that I've got you :-)."

"Well indeed," says boyfriend T looking at me disapprovingly, "so you're supposed to tell him that you've got a boyfriend in that situation!"

"But I couldn't say that I've got a boyfriend in the middle of the changing room with lots of other guys around," I protest, "because that would have given all the other guys more information that they probably want to know about me!"

"And anyway," I continue, "although I knew that 'Are you coming into the sauna' meant 'shall we have fun in the the sauna', no one else would have known that, so saying 'No, I have a boyfriend' would have been a strange answer!"

"Don't worry," laughs boyfriend T, smiling at me now, "just kidding! You know that I'm OK if you want to do whatever, as long as you're honest with me :-)."

Whenever I talk to boyfriend T about this, I always think I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful and understanding boyfriend :-). Perhaps that's why I don't feel the need to have fun with lots of other guys any more!

A political puzzle

2010-04-20T07:14:00.000+01:00

"So who are you going to vote for in the general election next month?" asks boyfriend T, while we're having dinner one evening recently.

"Oh I don't know," I answer, "I'm usually pretty cynical about politics. When I look at the big picture I reckon that they're all as bad as each other, and the expenses scandal only emphasised that point."

"In that case," replies boyfriend T, which a mischievous tone in his voice, "why don't you vote for the leader that you'd most like to go to bed with?"

It's interesting to note that with the rise of TV and media in general, politicians are much better looking than they used to be. In the UK, the trend probably started with Margaret Thatcher in the late 1970's, and then when he got elected in 1997 Tony Blair was definitely much better looking and charismatic than the alternatives.

"How about him?" suggests boyfriend T later, pointing to Nick Clegg on the TV, "he's doable!"

"I guess if you're serious about who to take to bed, it would have to be him," I concede, "because Gordon Brown looks too tired and old, and although Cameron is quite a pretty guy he's far too straight looking!"

"But I just can't vote for Clegg," I continue, "Because he'd raise my taxes even more :-(. Even worse, their policy is to force banks to publish the names of all their employees who earn more than £200k :-((."

"Well in that case you'll have to go to bed with Cameron," replies boyfriend T, as though the matter has been decided, "because I don't think I could be boyfriends with a guy who wants to get into bed with Brown!"

Since I was old enough to vote, I've voted for all the major parties, so I'm a genuine floating voter. From the 1997 election onwards I've been voting for Labour, because I found Blair quite convincing, and overall I was reasonably happy with his performance. But now it's clear that none of the tax revenues from the good years were saved, so as to try and balance the budget over the business cycle, voting for Brown who was the chancellor during those years seems like a mistake.

Anyway, if any readers have any thoughts on who I should get into bed with then please let me know.

Dirt could be good for you

2010-04-16T20:01:00.001+01:00

In the morning I often wake up before boyfriend T. Although I don't want to disturb his sleep, once I'm awake I usually can't resist giving him a cuddle for a few minutes :-). After that I'll often get up, and check emails or write blog posts before getting ready for work.

A few days ago, I'm in my study as usual when boyfriend T gets up, but almost immediately he comes into my study looking terrible.

"I don't feel well :-(," he starts, with a croaky voice.

"Awww, what's the matter?" I ask, jumping up to put my arm round him.

"My throat feels very sore, and I've got a slightly runny nose :-(."

"Open your mouth," I say, trying to sound knowledgeable, "let me have a look."

Boyfriend T duly obliges so I peer into his mouth to see if I can see anything. However, the truth is that since I'm not a doctor, I don't really know what to look for! None the less, whenever I feel ill and someone offers to try and diagnose the problem, it always makes me feel a bit better because a problem shared is a problem halved :-).

"When did the symptoms first start?" I ask, continuing my doctor act.

"I didn't feel that good last night," he answers, "but it seems to have gotten much worse overnight :-(."

"Actually," he continues, "I often get this kind of thing at this time of year."

"Well in that case you need antihistamines :-)," I say authoritatively, "it must be an allergy to pollen or something like that!"

Boyfriend T nods, saying that he's got an old supply of antihistamines somewhere, and soon I'm telling him that if he doesn't feel well enough to go to work then the best thing would be to stay at home for the day.

Later, I find myself thinking about my underwear. A few days previously, boyfriend T had insisted that our underwear should be washed separately, because he didn't want underwear that I might have worn for more than one day to be washed with his!

Although boyfriend T's standards of cleanliness are highly impressive, I suddenly recall reading a news article a few years ago which suggested that too much cleanliness isn't necessarily a good thing. Thanks to google, I manage to dig up a version of the story on the BBC news web site:

Dirt could be good for you

Immediately I send the link to boyfriend T, with the suggestion that perhaps it's not good to change one's underwear every day! Although his reply points out that my argument is flawed because we're not children any more, none the less it's a fascinating piece of evidence.

So, I'm now wondering how many of my readers who insisted that underwear must be changed daily suffer from allergies? If anyone has any thoughts on this subject then please let me know :-).

Karaoke

2010-04-13T06:45:00.000+01:00

"Why don’t we all go to the Karaoke in the Kings Arms one Sunday evening," says my colleague P to me before Easter, "have you ever been?"

"Err no actually," I reply, "although I’ve heard about it from ex-boyfriend S who goes along sometime. Do you think it's any good?"

"Well I've been a couple of times now, and I think it is good fun. I'm sure you and boyfriend T would enjoy it :-)."

So last Sunday, myself, boyfriend T, my colleague P and his boyfriend D, having had an early supper together, head over the the Kings Arms for the Karaoke. Although it's not the kind of venue that I'd normally go to, because I'm not at all into the gay bear scene, all the bear venues that I've ever been to have been very friendly. The Kings Arms, of course, is no exception.

"What'll you gave to drink?" asks my colleague P once we've arrived in the pub.

"A pint of beer I guess :-)," I reply, "do they have London Pride?"

It turns out that although they used to do London Pride, the main cask beers are now from Brains Brewery, so I settle for a pint of that.

"That singer has got a good voice," says boyfriend T, once we've settled down with our pints, "really manly too :-). But when you look at him, he's so camp!"

"That's George," says my colleague P knowingly, "and he claims to have been coming here since the 1940's!"

As the evening wears on, it becomes clear that there's a very wide variety of talent. Unlike some Karaoke venues where the organisers mix the singer's voice with the original soundtrack, and give the original soundtrack more prominence if the singer isn't very good, at the Kings Arms it's always just the singer. Although that probably makes for a more convivial atmosphere, at the bottom of the talent barrel it does test one's patience!

"Why don't you have a go, GB," says my colleague P with a glint in his eye.

"I'm too shy!" I reply, "I also can't sing! Anyway, I don't think I can remember any of these old songs that seems to go down well with the guys here."

Indeed, my idea of gay Karaoke would be lots of Kylie-style songs, old and new :-). But I didn't hear a single Kylie song all night!

Towards the end of the evening I need to spend a penny, but on entering the gents toilet I discover that the facilities are quite cramped. There are just two urinals and a single cublicle all very close to each other. There's a guy already using one of the urinals so I go for the cubicle, but finding that it's in use, I have to settle for the urinal next to the other guy after all.

When I was much younger, some of my gay friends were almost scared of going into the gents toilet in a gay pub on their own, and always insisted on someone accompanying them. I guess they didn't want to get drawn into in any activities with the kind of guys that might be hanging around in there! However, I never really understood why they wouldn't just be able to walk away from any situation that they didn't like.

Back to last Sunday and having started to use the urinal, the guy using the other urinal next turns his head towards me and looks me up and down. Given the proximity of the two urinals, he's obviously got a very good view of my willy!

"Wow," he says slowly, with a definite drunken tone to his voice, "you're GORGEOUS!"

Suddenly, the reason that my friends didn't want to be in the toilet on their own becomes crystal clear. The guy is big and beary, and not at all my type!

"Errr ...," I reply, sounding very embarrassed, "... thanks ..."

I almost feel like laughing, because it's such a ridiculous situation, but then I don't want him to take offense. However, what I really want to do is to pretend that he didn't make that comment at all! Unable to move away, given that I haven't finished doing what I'm there to do, I find myself staring at the ceiling and feeling quite uncomfortable.

"Oh, sorry," says the guy when he notices my discomfort.

"Errr ... no worries," I reply, feeling a bit more at ease as it becomes clear that nothing inappropriate is going to happen.

Overall, I definitely enjoyed the evening :-). Although some of the singing could have been a bit better, some of the singing was quite good too, and there was a very friendly atmosphere in the pub. And of course, it is nice to be told that one is gorgeous, even if the situation where it happens makes one feel a bit uncomfortable!

Email from a gay guy with a difficult colleague

2010-04-09T07:50:00.000+01:00

While I was on holiday, a gay reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

First of all thanks for the blog, and for Dear GB.

The time has come for me to ask for some advice.

I recently took up a new job. I am the youngest in the office, most of the people around me are much older.

One of them was very friendly, and was among the first people I talked casually with. We also take the same bus to and from work. My stop is before his to work.

Now I figured out that he is gay, and he does not know I am. How I found is simply because he was paying far too much attention to me, which obviously raised my suspicion. He would constantly ask me what I was up to. For example, I go to the gym every day, and he keeps asking me every day if I went to the gym. If he saw me taking the bus, he would literally run on the street to catch up. He is 50+, around my father's age, and the running I admit I find terribly embarrassing. OK so I thought maybe I'm just being an ageist. Never had a colleague run after me like that, he's just friendly I tell myself.

One day at work he comes into the urinals, and I caught him looking at my dick. I look at him, and needless to say a man at 50 is not agile enough to hide it with a head turn. I let it slide the first time, forgivable perhaps by some conjecture of justifications. Gay, young guy, dick, ok ok. I might do the same at his age, who knows. I do sneak a peek in the showers at the gym every once in a while, though it is just a quick glance! What annoys me though is this is the workplace.

If we end up on the same bus, he sits next to me to talk. Fine. But he stares at younger guys in the bus. Sure we all take a look, but he literally STARES. And he is sat right next to me. Makes me extremely uncomfortable. At this point I wonder if some distance would be a good thing.

Now obviously as a result of all the friendly chats over lunch and in the bus, over the past four months, he has a fairly good idea of how I think. A work issue comes up, and he uses this knowledge to arm twist me into doing something his way. It was not relevant at all, and I was able to brush it aside, but I did not like the fact that he was using that information to get his way.

At this point I decide distance is most certainly necessary. I reduce conversation to the casual and make it very impersonal.

And then the urinal thing happens again. He makes this "Oh.." with a gurgling giggle as if he was surprised to see me there, I give a quick smile and turn back, he is to my left and I can literally see him looking at my dick from the corner of my eye. That is one too many for me, and this time I give him a proper angry stare. Again slow head movement, this time he is staring at the ceiling to his right. Even seen someone pee with his head turned right and looking at the ceiling? He makes some stupid conversation about work to diffuse the situation and I do not reply.

Now I am positively furious. I absolutely avoid him. In the bus, I make all conversations extremely terse. I put on music as soon as I see him at his stop. I just nod when I see him. He still just behind me in the bus, and then starts questioning me when we leave the bus."Did you go to the gym?" "What were you reading?" I answer with lies and then switch the conversation to some work thing. I even tried walking really slow from the bus to make him go further, but he simply waits for me.

When I think about it, I am furious for a number of reasons:

I am new to this city, have no friends and I really want to go out, checkout the gay scene. I know he frequents it, he told me as much, and together with his manipulative behaviour means I cannot really be seen out. I am not sure what will happen at work if he knows I am gay.

He gives gay people a bad name. Where the hell does he come from peeking at my dick! Twice!! At WORK!!!

He is now involving himself with my area of work, where he has almost no relevance. He comes up with "suggestions" for me, and then I get into long conversations having to explain why it is not sensible. I now make it very terse and say "Don't know", "I'll think about it", "Let me see" etc. I do not like that kind of a reply, as it makes me seem less flexible at the new job.

After all the distancing and terseness, he now has started making this fucked up puppy eyed look if we do make eye contact in the bus, which makes me seriously want to punch him. I have turned from very friendly, to casual and impersonal, to downright borderline rude. Can't he take a fricking hint to just fuck off! He has not yet asked me WHY I have changed my behaviour, which is the first thing you do if it were all innocent. If he thinks I am homophobic all the more reason to just leave me alone!

I would like to give him a earful, but my new job, his lack of morals and his manipulative flair has left me very angry and confused. He's been working for the company a mighty long time. Everyone else is much older than me, married, kids, 35+, there really isn't anyone around my age to talk to.

It's been five months, I moved here to make gay friends. It has really taken a lot of planning, as I am not out and really want to deal with my sexuality!

So GB, what do I do? I am literally hoping he retires or is fired tomorrow! If I had some evidence, I would file some sexual harassment charges or something!

Please help!

Subsequently, after I'd sent this reader an email to let him know that I was on holiday, he replied with a suggestion of his own:

I might probably just talk to him straight if he happens to be at the bus stop, clear the air once and for all. Easier said than done.

In any situation like this, and certainly in advance of any straight talking, it's a good idea to try and put oneself in the other person's shoes to work out how they're likely to react to any plans. Judging from the reader's description, I'd guess that although this guy must be gay, he doesn't have a boyfriend. So he might be quite a sad and lonely guy, and gradually becoming more so as he gets older. His work is likely to be a big part of his life. Given all this, since the reader is probably the cutest male in the office, it's not surprising that this guy is interested in the reader. Unfortunately this also means that the guy's interest in the reader is unlikely to go away, at least not until the firm hires another young guy.

The reader mentions sexual harassment law. However it's worth pointing out that anyone who ever needs to rely on the law or the human resources department to solve these kind of issues are identifying themselves to the management as 'difficult' employees, and that's unlikely to be a good idea. So other ways of solving the problem must be found.

It's clear that the way the reader is actively trying to ignore this guy is not having the desired effect. It's like a tug of war. However hard one side pulls, the other side tries to pull harder. Using the tug of war analogy, we need to find a way of letting go of the rope.

Rather than actively trying to distance himself from the guy, a better strategy might be for the reader to try passively ignoring the guy. This means that he wouldn't try and escape if the guy comes over and talks to him, but equally he wouldn't bother with conversation. So if the guy starts talking and asking questions, the reader wouldn't show his irritation, but would simply smile and perhaps occasionally reply with short uninformative answers ("OK", "maybe", "perhaps" etc). After following that strategy for a week or two, a casual bit of straight talking might work better. The reader could smile and ask very casually "Why do you like talking to me?" and perhaps later still smiling "I don't think we have much in common", but most importantly never showing any irritation with the guy.

It's also worth asking whether the reader likes his job, given that there isn't anyone closer to his own age to talk to. It would be a pity to change jobs just because of this one annoying older guy, but if there are other reasons to move too then it might make sense. In any case if he does stay in his current job, he needs to forge alliances with other employees. That might also help in connection with this annoying older guy, who'd see that this reader isn't alone in the office any more.

Do any other readers have any thoughts about this situation?

Still on holiday :-)

2010-04-05T22:27:00.000+01:00

After visiting Oman, we decided to visit another country on our way back to the UK. In the past I've asked readers to try and guess where we are from a couple of photographs, and each time I'm amazed at how quickly the locations are identified (see e.g. Oman, Amsterdam, Mykonos, Santorini, Tuscany, Rome). So in a serious attempt to make it harder, I'm only going to post one pic this time, and I'm hoping it's a hard picture to identify too! So ... can anyone tell me where we were when I took the picture below?

PS: sorry for the dirt on my camera lens!

A night in the desert

2010-04-02T03:42:00.001+01:00

While on holiday in Oman, boyfriend T and me decided to take an overnight trip away from our hotel to spend a night in a tent in the desert.

In the car on the way to the desert, our guide tells us a lot of things about Oman.

"Before the current Sultan came to the throne in 1970, Oman was a very tough country," he says, "no roads, no schools, no hospitals, there was nothing here. A lot of Omanis left for India and Africa, although some of them have come back now."

"So everything has been built since then?"

"Yes. Actually, the Sultan had some of his education in the UK, which I'm sure is where he got some of his ideas from. But we're all worried about what will happen when he dies."

"Doesn't he have a son to take over from him?"

"Nobody knows!"

"Isn't he married?" asks boyfriend T.

"Again, no one knows," answers the guide.

Being aware of Islamic sensitivities to homosexuality, I don't ask the question that's on my lips about the Sultan (although a comment on my previous post later confirmed what I was thinking). Instead I ask a different question.

"But what are the taxes here to pay for all this infrastructure?"

"No taxes here :-)," answers the guide, smiling, "the oil pays for everything!"

When we booked the night in the desert, I had in my mind the image of a tent fit for a Sultan. It would be full of white fabric flapping gently in the breeze with sumptuous red cushions and luscious embroidery everywhere, expensive Arabian carpets and maybe the odd hunky eunuch to tend to our needs :-). However the reality was slightly different!

"So we've given up a night in that lovely hotel for this :-(," says boyfriend T in disbelief, "I can't imagine an Arabian prince staying in a tent like this!"

"Well a Bedouin style tent is OK for one night, isn't it?" I reply, determined to enjoy myself, "it's not every day that we get to spend the night in the Arabian Desert!"

There are two double beds in the tent, both with thick duvets, which seems a bit unnecessary given how hot it is inside the tent.

"Which bed shall we sleep in?" I ask.

"Which bed do you want?" he replies.

"Awww, can't we sleep in the same bed as usual?"

"I think it's going to be too hot for that!"

After dinner, even though it's 4 hours since the sun went down it's still very hot inside our tent, so we duly get into separate beds. Eventually I fall asleep, waking up just in time to get up and see the sunrise over the sand dunes.

"It was amazingly quiet in the desert," I say to boyfriend T the following night when we're back in our hotel, as we're cuddling up before getting to sleep, "did you sleep well last night?"

"Actually NO!" he replies, "didn't you hear all the goats with the bells round their necks that kept wandering past our tent?"

"Um no, I must have fallen asleep."

"Yes you did! Your snoring was another thing that kept me awake."

"Ahhh, sorry about that, I hope that doesn't happen too often"

Boyfriend T doesn't reply, and as he lays there in my arms, soon I can tell that he's fallen asleep.

"So did you sleep well?" I ask him the following morning.

"Yes thanks, I slept very well :-),"

"You see," I reply triumphantly, "sleeping in the same bed is always best :-). You can't get to sleep properly without cuddles!"

"Sleeping in the same bed IS better," answers boyfriend T, "but only because I can elbow you to stop snoring if I have to. When we were in the desert, I might have slept better if only I'd had a long stick to use on you!"

Easter holiday

2010-03-29T07:18:00.001+01:00

A couple of days ago, boyfriend T and me left the UK for our Easter holidays. Yesterday we took the pics that I've posted below. So can anyone work out where we are?

British plumbing

2010-03-26T07:50:00.001Z

A few years ago, myself and a colleague were being taken out for dinner at a smart London restaurant by a couple of guys who worked for a different bank. The purpose of the dinner was for the other guys to thank us for giving them some business in connection with various bond transactions, and to discuss future business possibilities.

About half-way through the evening, we start talking about hotels. One of the guys from the other bank is American, and normally works in New York, and he had a comment about the London hotel room that he was staying in.

"I can't figure out British bathrooms!" he starts, "in particular, who designed the sinks?"

"How do you mean?" asks my colleague.

"Well, there are two taps, one for hot water and one for cold!"

"Well of course," I answer, unable to understand what he's getting at, "I don't know about you, but I like to wash in warm water, but brush my teeth in cold water :-)."

"Yes I agree," he replies, "so when I need to wash my hands I turn on the hot tap. But when I put my hands in the water stream it's often too hot, so then I need to cool my hands and I turn on the cold tap, but in winter that too cold so I'm ..."

and he indicates moving his hands from right to left and back again between the water from the different taps.

"Ahhhh," says my colleague laughing, "you mean you want the hot and cold water to come out of the same tap!"

Suddenly realising what this guy is getting at, I start laughing too, and soon we're all laughing at the peculiarities of British plumbing.

Fast-forward to last Wednesday evening and boyfriend T and me are at a wine tasting, which is being held in an old British establishment. We both visit the gentleman's toilets on the way out, and as we're washing our hands, boyfriend T starts talking to me.

"I don't understand these sinks!" he says.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Well, they're SO inconvenient, having two taps ..."

Immediately I remember the conversation that I had at that business dinner all those years ago. However, I also realise that I still have no real idea why British sinks are often designed like that! Can anyone enlighten me?

Only in Amsterdam ...

2010-03-22T12:41:00.001Z

Just over a week ago, myself and boyfriend T hopped on a plane to spend a long weekend in Amsterdam.

"I've always wanted to try smoking marijuana," says boyfriend T to me, before we leave, "and I can do that in Amsterdam, can't I?"

"Yes, but you can also do that in London!" I reply, "I'm sure that some of our friends could point us in the right direction if you really want to do that :-)."

"I know, but I'd rather do it semi-legally. So I think Amsterdam is a better choice!"

Although I've never indulged much in drugs, apart from alcohol, I love the Dutch policy towards drug-taking :-). In a nutshell, taking soft drugs such as marijuana is still illegal in the Netherlands, but it's not punishable! My personal policy is that everyone should be responsible for their own well being, so it were up to me I'd legalise both hard and soft drugs, which would have a useful side effect of creating additional tax revenues. However, until that enlightened day arrives, the Dutch model is a reasonable alternative.

Thinking about drugs policies, there are actually parallels here to the way gay people are treated. Some people are gay, and they’ll always be some people who want to take drugs, and trying to legislate against human nature is always pointless. If I believed in conspiracy theories, I'd be convinced that the world's drug cartels must have the world's major governments in their pockets, to keep drugs illegal and hence perpetuate their revenues. It's hard to think of any other reason why the current flawed policy of prohibition would have been pursued so unsuccessfully for so long!

"Have you had marijuana before, GB?" asks boyfriend T over dinner on the first night of the trip to Amsterdam.

"A bit," I reply, "but since I'm not a smoker I never got into it, even though a few of my university friends were quite keen on it."

"So won't you share a spliff with me then?"

"Why don't we find a coffee shop that also sells the 'space cakes' :-)," I suggest, "and then I'll have one of those while you smoke your joint! I quite enjoyed the space cakes when I had one a few years ago :-)."

"OK great. So let's find a coffee shop after dinner, because because if we go tomorrow morning and get high we may end up wasting the day!"

Wandering around the streets after dinner, it doesn't take too long to find a plausible looking coffee shop. As soon as we walk in, it's immediately clear that we've come to the right place.

"Hmmm, I've always quite liked the smell of marijuana," I say quietly to boyfriend T, "don't you?"

"Actually I'm not so sure," he replies, "it doesn't smell that good to me."

There's a small queue at the counter, and when the people in front of us ask for the marijuana menu, the female shop assistant points them at a mirror on the wall.

"Press the button at the bottom," she says, and when they do that, a light comes on inside the mirror revealing the menu.

While the people in front of us are paying, myself and boyfriend T have a look at the menu, but since we're not regular marijuana users it doesn't mean much to us. Some is listed as local, some comes from Morocco and other far away destinations, but what's best for us given that we're novices isn't clear.

"Can you give us some advice?" I ask the shop assistant when it's our turn, "my friend wants to try smoking a joint, but we don't know what would be best. And I'd quite like a space cake if you've got any?"

"No problem," she replies, "I've got two space cakes left :-). They usually take 30-60 minutes for you to feel the effect, but then you'll probably feel like going to sleep! Also, I wouldn't recommend it if you've been drinking alcohol. For the cannabis, I suggest you smoke one of our milder varieties, but that will work much faster than the space cakes."

"I only had a bit of wine over dinner," I say to the shop assistant, "so I'm sure I'll be OK :-)."

The only other time that I had a space cake, I did indeed fall asleep. I was with ex-boyfriend S at the time, also in Amsterdam, and on that occasion we both ate a space cake mid-morning. We then wandered around the town a bit, but about an hour later, poor ex-boyfriend S was having a bit of a bad experience with it. However, I was very much enjoying feeling slightly high, and all I could do was giggle! Luckily though, I managed to get us both back to the hotel, and I had a lovely afternoon asleep cuddling up to ex-boyfriend S, while enjoying the effects of the space cake :-). Unfortunately though, it didn't get any better for him :-(.

"It's a pity that they work at different speeds," I say to boyfriend T once we've made our purchases, "but at least it'll soon be bedtime so it won't matter if it makes me fall asleep."

While I eat my space cake, we get some help from a couple of the other coffee shop clients in assembling boyfriend T's spliff, who seem very friendly.

"This is my 18 year old brother," giggles the young woman, and the curly haired youth next to her grins at us, "and it's his birthday today :-)."

"What have you been doing for your birthday?" I ask.

"We've been cycling around, visiting as many coffee shops as we can find," he giggles, before taking another big drag on his joint.

Soon boyfriend T starts to giggle a bit too.

"Oh," he says a little later, "suddenly I feel very very tired."

I decide that we'd both better get back to our hotel, before either of us falls asleep. Half way back to the hotel, boyfriend T breaks into an almost uncontrollable fit of giggles.

"I don't know why I'm doing that!" he says, trying to regain control of himself and failing!

"Don't worry," I say, but soon I find myself giggling a bit too.

Back in the hotel, we get undressed quickly and jump naked into bed with each other. We cuddle up in each other's arms, and soon boyfriend T is fast asleep. But I continue to lie there, feeling drowsy, and then gradually I start to get a bit of a headache. All through the night I find myself frequently waking up with a bad headache and feeling exceptionally thirsty, and whenever I fall asleep my dreams are slightly disturbing. It's certainly not the pleasant and enjoyable experience that I had last time :-(.

"Time to get up," says boyfriend T to me around 10:30am the next day, sitting down on the bed and holding me gently on my shoulders.

"Errr, what?" I say, finding it hard to wake up, "I feel terrible :-(."

As I get out of bed, I find myself almost falling over as I walk to the bathroom.

"Are you OK?" asks boyfriend T, sounding quite concerned.

"Errr, NO! I don't think so :-(. My mouth is so dry :-((."

Feeling very unstable on my feet, somehow I make my way into the bathroom, and while I shower boyfriend T stands near me in case I fall over.

"Oh dear," I say, "I think I'm going to need to take it easy today :-(."

"Actually I didn't enjoy my joint at all," says boyfriend T to me later, when I've woken up a bit more and can almost walk in straight line.

"Why not?" I ask.

"I didn't like giggling when my mind didn't want to! I kept thinking, there's nothing funny here, so why am I laughing."

"Control freak!" I say, managing to laugh slightly, "you just have to go with it."

"I guess that's what you did," replies boyfriend T swiftly, "but look what's happened to you!"

"I didn't enjoy it at all this time," I admit, "and I still feel terrible. Perhaps it was unwise to eat the space cake after drinking wine over dinner?"

Whatever the reason for my bad reaction to the space cakes, it certainly doesn't change my views about legalising drugs. The only person to blame for my experience is myself!

Email from a gay guy with flakey gay friends

2010-03-19T07:27:00.000Z

About a week and a half ago, I received another request for advice from a reader who emailed me about his first gay relationship last year. This time, he's got different issues:

Dear GB,

I recently had some unpleasant experiences when communicating with my gay male friends and I hope you can enlighten me on the situation.

First case with friend W.

Background: I did ask this guy out for a date before which he rejected cuz he said he was not recovered from being dumped from a long relationship) so we are just friends, and I am totally cool with it cuz I don't really have many gay friends to hang out with anyway (we did hang out a few times after that).

Situation: Back in February he casually asked me to watch a major blockbuster with him and I agreed. In March when the movie came out my other friends asked me to watch it with them, but I recalled I made promise to W. So I texted him to see if he still wanted to watch it with me to which he replied "sure", but we never fixed a specific timing. After a few days I realize there aren't many seats left on weekends and we have to book online fast before good seats ran out. So I left message on his facebook in the morning, which he never replied to (he was online at the time), at night I texted him again asking specific timing before the seats ran out, no reply again. Later I told him through facebook chat that if he does not get back to me I will have to book with someone else (he definitely received my message as he was online), but no reply again. Soon I realized there were only 2 front rows left, which is quite a bad place to enjoy a 3D movie, so I booked with other friends on another date.

A day later, W texted back saying that his phone had had no credits to reply (I call it bullshit lol) and asked wat's up. I told him I already booked with other friends since I didn't receive any confirmation from him and asked him to quickly book himself if he still wants to watch the movie. Later he replied "No worries, I got the tickets already", Me "wow that's a fast booking, enjoy! ;) ", W "*I bought it ages ago, lol*"

Then it suddenly struck me that he made his plan long time ago and was purposely ignoring my messages!

Second case was even worse with friend V.

Background: We met almost 2 years ago during work and were on good terms. He hinted interest in me but I rejected cuz I think he was in a relationship at the time. We remained friends and exchanged messages every now and then when I was on overseas exchange. We met up once after I got back home country late last year (just as friend).

Situation: Being a facebook junkie I always "like" or comment on my friend's pictures or status (including V's occasionally). One day he wrote on my facebook suggesting a meet up soon and I gladly reply "yes", but there was no follow up conversation on that. A few days later I checked my planner and realized I have a "pending" meet-up with him so I texted him asking if he wanted to have lunch sometimes next week. He never replied for 3 days! As a typical type A person I easily get impatient and annoyed if people don't reply to my messages or emails (especially when he suggested meeting up in the first place!) so I just went to write on his facebook "hey dude why you never reply my message regarding lunch next week?" Yeah, I know it sounds desperate but that's just my style if I don't get an answer.

Still no reply! And he could happily update his status on facebook when my message was RIGHT BELOW! I was like "fuck!" why is he ignoring me?!! Till almost A WEEK later he talked to me on MSN "hey, let's have lunch next week, I know I reply slow, haha" I was having 2 exam next week so I just replied "sorry kinda busy next week, probably next time".

At the beginning I was extremely annoyed by these 2 people as they are super flakey. But later when I complained to my straight friends they told me that I might have appeared too eager, too desperate, so they got the signal and were playing hard to get. Now I look back, indeed, I was suggesting everything and always messaging them. I would definitely appear as a desperate guy if I was dating.... BUT I AM NOT! I just treat them as normal friends and see going to movies or lunch as normal meetings. I just want to watch a movie, either with straights or gays I don't care!

I am kinda person who is usually very active in social life and very enthusiastic when treating my friends. I reply messages within minutes and always check my emails (24/7 alert on my Blackberry) , I like to make plans (always proactively suggesting meet-up with my friends) and follow them accordingly. I have no problem when dealing with straight friends. Even straight girls (who don't know I am gay) will gladly have lunch or dinner with me. And straight guys (who know I am gay) have no problem going to bars or movies with me. All my straight friends like me and most of my friends are straight.

When it comes to gay friends, it's not so smooth anymore. I didn't realize it might be because of the "sexual/relationship potential" in a gay friendship till these 2 cases happened. I always like to make things black and white, if I am interested in you I will ask you out, otherwise I will just treat you as a normal friend. And I heard there are "dating rules" in the gay world, but I don't know if I still need to follow these rules when dealing with gay friends.

I have searched all your Dear GB entries and couldn't find answers, all friends/relationship category are actually about relationship (you see, that's the problem, gays are constantly guessing, does he like me or not? can we be more than friends? While some people like me just want to make friends and enjoy our lives.....)

So GB, here are my questions:

Do you think my 2 friends are flakey? Or maybe I am just too intense and expected too much in people's responding speed.
Do you think I might have appeared too desperate and they got the wrong signal and might have played too hard to get in those 2 cases?
If 2 is true how can I prevent similar cases from happening in the future? Do I really have to pay special attention and change my habit when communicating with gay friends (e.g. wait for 30 mins to reply when I usually reply within seconds....). I am just confused when dealing with gay friends when I am looking for mainly friendship rather than relationship/sex. (I can't say "hey dude I am not interested in you, but let's just hang out" right?)

Sorry for the long email (that's me again, always talk a lot and write a lot in communicating, which might sound eager and desperate again. Just my style, can't change it!) and I look forward to your reply.

Best regards, xoxo

Having read this reader's email, I can't help thinking that I share some of his characteristics. I also get impatient easily, and will often reply immediately to txt msgs and emails. However, unlike the reader, I don't find it necessary to treat my gay friends any differently to my straight friends.

With all types of people, whether they're friends or colleagues or strangers, I think the golden rule when you start interacting with them is to try treating them in the same way that you'd like to be treated yourself. However, beyond the initial interactions, I think it's wise to adjust one's behaviour depending on whether the other person reciprocates your attentiveness. There's a fascinating scholarly article about the evolution of cooperation which suggests that a good way to behave is to adopt a tit for tat approach. In this context it means that you start out assuming you'll get the response that you're looking for from someone, but then if they ignore you, then in return you should ignore them. But if they treat you well or stop ignoring you, then you can treat them well or stop ignoring them in return :-).

In his email, the reader mentions dating rules. Rather than following any predefined set of rules, I'd say that the only important thing is to be cool. Indeed, I've said before that I don't like dating rules, and in one sense I think they're largely designed to help inherently uncool people appear cool! However, perhaps type A guys do need some guidance in this area, so maybe this reader should keep those kind of rules in his mind.

It's also interesting that the reader perceives a difference between gay and straight friends, so I can't help wondering whether subconsciously he does see them all as potential boyfriends and sex partners, in spite of his protestations to the contrary. Talk of 'dating rules' and 'appearing too desperate' are also terms that usually apply to relationships rather than friendships. I don't think it's necessary to treat gay friends any differently to straight friends, so perhaps the reader needs to acknowledge his desires, and if he doesn't have any sexual desires for these guys then he can relax.

To answer the reader's specific questions:

Are his friends flakey? By the reader's type A standards, yes, of course they're a bit flakey! But alternatively, perhaps they're just type B guys who can't be hurried. Or perhaps they're guys who find it impossible to focus on more than one thing at once, so if the reader wasn't their top priority at the time he sent his messages, then they weren't able to give him any attention.
Was the reader too desperate? I wouldn't use the word desperate because that applies to relationships rather than friendships, however I would use the world 'uncool' to describe his behaviour. Such behaviour is unlikely to produce the response that the reader hoped for.
How can the reader prevent similar cases from happening in the future? Just adopt tit-for-tat tactics, but above all be cool. So I think it's fine to respond immediately to txt msgs and emails, but wait a long time before following up if they don't also respond quickly. Even guys like me who usually respond immediately aren't always able to do so, after all, I do go to bed sometimes :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?