On holiday

I'm off on a trip for a week or so with boyfriend T so I may not be able to blog much. However, I intend to try and find time to answer the one pending 'Dear GB' query, and perhaps I'll be able to post a few pics too. Although I went with boyfriend T for a long weekend to Paris , and we also went away for another long weekend in May, this holiday is going to be for much longer so it'll be a good test of whether this relationship can work. Wish me luck :-).

Email from a gay student in the UK

About a week ago, I received the following email from a gay student:

Dear GB,

I have been a reader for almost a year now, but have never written before. Your advice to other people has been immensely useful to me too. I even discovered Gaydar through your blog! I am a second-year undergraduate student studying economics. I'm from a Latin American country and only moved to the UK for uni.

A few months ago I met a guy who was just finishing sixth form. After pictures, phone calls, and long emails, we scheduled a meet-up in London. He pulled out five minutes before the agreed time (knowing I travelled over two hours to get there!), but a few hours later called and profusely apologised. We met the following morning. He arrived 40 minutes late, but when he finally got there he was a dream come true. He told me he wasn't out, and refused to hold hands. We spent around 7 hours of bliss together, in a long ramble around London. He kept looking into my eyes and, from my perspective, really seemed to be enjoying himself. When it was time to leave (both of us had to leave around 4), he didn't want to go, and we let three trains leave without us. Then, he kissed me, smack in the middle of the tube platform.

The following day, he called and told me he didn't want anything romantic. I couldn't believe it and we had a long conversation on the phone. At this point this turned into an obsessive crush. I basically told him it was alright but kept insisting to myself he didn't really mean it. That day I left for my country, half the world away, for Easter. I called him once or twice a week for five weeks, and we had long enjoyable conversations. I didn't hide my intentions, and talked about meeting up when I went back. I would think of him every five seconds. But, he disappeared again, the day before my arrival to London. After a few emails he finally responded: originally he did want to meet me and only chickened out because he was so nervous about the meet-up. However since then he hasn't been interested. He'd only been pretending because I seemed so distressed during the telephone call the day after our meeting. Since then he's been out of my life, and we parted on pretty civil terms. I've sent two more messages in the following eight weeks, unresponded. I had never been like this with anyone, and am normally quite blasé with relationships. I got into quite a depression, partly because of this.

Cue a few weeks later. I start talking to a guy in Gaydar, and by the third message or so I realise he is this guy's brother. They share a last name, look ridiculously alike, share a mixed background, and have each other befriended on Facebook. I am not nearly as obsessed with this one, but am still quite interested. Although we're only chatting (and, ominously, refused a meet-up right before my coming to my country once more, now for Summer hols), he promptly responds to my messages. He is older, more mature, and potentially more interesting to talk to. But, should I tell him I know his brother? The former did make it clear his family didn't know. But by now, both brothers could instantly figure out that I know that they're brothers from the information I have from them.

All this comes together under the frame of a broader and far more important problem. Although I am out to my close family and friends in my country, and openly gay in the UK, I've never really had a proper gay relationship. However, I've had a "girlfriend" for the last 8 years, and to many people we are still introduced as a couple. She's the first one who found out I was gay, and throughout she's been more of a life companion. We are very much alike, almost brother and sister. She has become very understanding and even encouraging of gay forays, but still has some instinctive underlying problem with me going out. She also worries quite a bit about me, and gets distressed whenever she feels I'm not being truthful or forthcoming with my retelling of what's going on with my life. I do tell her about most things. The thing is, we very much behave like a married couple, sans any sex (although, disturbingly for me, she keeps secretly yearning for hugs and friendly kisses, and before I clearly set out that it should stop). I really like it. She is someone I can trust, someone I can tell my life to, and someone who shares my precise cultural background and knows my life story inside out, and therefore understands me better than anyone. We often talk of what our children would hypothetically be like, and after years of talking about that (and having a stuffed bear 'child') I have a strong wish to make a family with her, the kind of family that would give me legitimacy in this macho culture, that would make everyone in my family happy, and that would give me the children I so want to have and keep me from the loneliness I so deeply fear.

At the same time, the tension is mounting. Most worryingly, she has not had any sexual partners ever, or even serious dates, in spite of my actively trying to get her to date, and she's approaching her mid-twenties. She has a limited social life here and little ways or motivation to find guys. This is either extreme celibacy or utter lack of interest, and neither can be healthy. Meanwhile, I'm doing just a bit better, but still have not had a proper gay relationship. I have no such thing as a sexual technique, and can barely deliver or enjoy a blowjob. I shrieked in pain for 45 mins before deciding being a bottom is not my thing. I've done my best, going to saunas and clubs galore, but I feel I'm wasting everyone's time. I feel I need a proper boyfriend, someone I fancy and that's patient, to teach me the ropes.

All in all, life's getting stressful and disappointing. Two years of trying to be openly gay have yielded not one good relationship, a lot of disappointments and intrigues and pain, and tumbling self esteem (and I'm on the good-looking side of things!). I've now figured how to come across sex, but can't even do it. Furthermore, I don't spend more than two months at a time in any particular country. Now I have two months in my country ahead of me, and can't enjoy the gay life here for family reasons, and from fears of word coming out to the wider public of my being gay and consequent shaming of my "girlfriend". To make things worse, she's moving to London in September, for a year's stay. This dilemma has dragged on for years, and the various options (cut all ties with her and stay in the UK? Stay 'friends' but have an openly gay life in UK/my country? go back to my country and to the closet, and have my family?) have been dogging me for years. Just when I think I can lead a happy, independent life in the UK, I start realising how much I feel as a foreigner in the UK, and how lonely I'd feel, and how much I need to go back to my country. And then I'm back, and I feel burdened and trapped and not myself. One good thing is that I have a European passport, due to family background, in addition to the one from my home country. Hence, I can stay in the EU indefinitely without any visa issues. But I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I should do anything.

Sorry for the long email, and my ambiguous problems!

Best regards

I always thought that there must be some genetic element to homosexuality, so my guess is that the guy who the reader met on gaydar recently is indeed the brother of the guy who he met in London previously. The behaviour of the guy he met in London sounds like he can't handle the idea of being gay at the moment. When the reader is in front of him, the reader is everything the guy wants, but at other times the guy can deny the truth and pretend that he's straight. Everyone becomes more confident of who they are as they get older, so the older brother seems like a much better bet.

In terms of telling the older brother about the younger brother, I suggest that the reader should ask the guy whether he has a younger brother, using the excuse that he might have met him through another friend somehow. For the sake of the younger brother, I don't think he should tell the older brother that his younger brother might be gay, because I doubt that the younger brother has come out yet. However if he can establish that the older brother is out to the younger brother, which is quite likely, then he should send the younger brother a message to say that by chance he's ended up meeting his older brother on gaydar. Of course, that would only become necessary if the reader started developing a relationship with the older brother.

Regarding the more serious problem of the reader's "girlfriend", one good thing about this reader's situation is that his sexuality isn't in doubt. One sign of this is the fact that he's been living as an openly gay guy in the UK for a couple of years. But a more telling sign is the way he had a crush on the younger brother, because that proves to me that he falls in love with guys, not girls. Who someone falls in love with is far more important than the kind of sex they have, and whether they make a good bottom or not! The reader also talks about his female friend in quite a detached way, so I'm convinved that the reader is 100% gay.

Another good thing about this reader is that, from what he told me privately, it's clear to me that he's not going to have a problem making his own way in the world and supporting himself. It really helps being able to support oneself because there can be concerns that family or employers might not treat a gay guy very well, so the more independent one can become the better.

The fact that he's definitely gay, with the ability to support himself, means that I think he should now come out to the wider community back home in his home country. If he's totally out, then it won't be possible for him and his female friend to be introduced as a couple. By moving things in this direction, he'll be making a statement to his female friend that he's not available for anything other than friendship. I see no reason to break his friendship with her, but given that she seems to be in love with him, he needs to become more adamant that he's not available.

I don't think he should worry about the fact that he hasn't yet had a good gay relationship yet. I feel quite sure that he'll eventually find himself a nice boyfriend. But it's exactly like the song that Diana Ross sung, "You can't hurry love, no, you just have to wait"! Although getting a boyfriend would also help with the problem of his female friend, thinking along those lines isn't a good idea because it increases the pressure and makes the idea of a boyfriend even more important.

If he's going to stay in the UK though, a British boyfriend would be ideal because that would help him feel less like a foreigner here. Indeed, I was chatting to my new boyfriend T last night about this subject. Boyfriend T said that he feels that he belongs here and is part of the community when he's with me, but feels like an outsider when he's at work. It's obviously hard to move and settle in another country, so if a relationship with local guy becomes possible it would be a good idea. However, if he continues to feel like a foreigner in the UK but doesn't want to return to his home country, given his Latin American background perhaps he'd feel more at home in Spain.

Lastly, if a guy wants to try being a bottom during anal sex, then he has to relax. Otherwise, if he's tense it will undoubtedly end up being painful. Some guys get lots of pleasure from being fucked, which is apparently to do with the stimulation of the prostate gland through the wall of the rectum. Not all guys experience this phenomenon, however, but no doubt it's the guys who do who are the most enthusiastic bottoms!

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this reader's situation?

A trip to watch London gay pride

"Did you know that it's London gay pride day next Saturday?" asks my friend T, when we were cuddling in bed one morning about ten days ago.

"Oh really?" I reply, "Actually I didn't know. Shall we go and march in the parade then?"

"... NO WAY!" replies T, almost speechless that the idea of joining the parade even occurred to me.

"Well how about we just go and watch it then?" I offer, snuggling into his naked body from behind.

"Yes, actually I'd like to see it :-). I've never seen a gay pride parade before!"

"OK great," I reply, holding him tightly, "so we'll watch it this year, and then we can march in the parade next year!"

"In your dreams!"

I don't pursue the subject, and on the day of the parade, we go shopping in the morning before taking up a good position to watch the parade along Oxford Street. It takes the parade just over an hour to pass, during which time T takes lots of photographs.

"So what did you think?" I ask him afterwards.

"It was good," he says thoughtfully, "although I expected more outrageous costumes!"

"We'd probably have to go to the gay Mardi Gras in Sydney if you want to see totally outrageous!"

In the evening we have a party to go to, and as usual when I take a new friend to meet some of my friends, everyone wonders whether T is my new boyfriend. The same thing had happened a couple of weeks earlier when I'd taken my friend who sometimes gets hayfever to meet some other friends. On that occasion, when someone had mistaken us for boyfriends, my friend who sometimes gets hayfever had been quite uncomfortable with the idea. Later on the same night I also heard him say that he prefers being single. But at the party after the pride march, T didn't seem to mind being mistaken for my boyfriend, although of course he had to tell people that we weren't together.

So lying in bed with T the following morning there's just one thing on my mind. Should I ask him to be my boyfriend? And if so, what exactly should I say? And when, but perhaps it would be better to leave it a week or two, and if he does want to be my boyfriend then when should we discuss what we want from the relationship, and does he want to live with me, and what about monogamy, and what about if he ends up having to go back to his home country, and what if I’m always the boyfriend who doesn't exist because he's so closeted, and, and ...

A couple of hours later, we're having breakfast with each other and I simply can't bear it any more.

"Um, T," I start, in a matter of fact voice as though I'm about to ask him to pass the orange juice, "would you like to be my boyfriend?"

Initially he's completely startled and looks away, unable to believe that I've asked him that question out of the blue. But then he looks at me and I smile, and when a big smile comes over his face I know that I'm going to get the answer that I'm looking for.

"Yes," replies boyfriend T, "we should try :-)."

Because he has to go, we don't have much time to discuss anything, but it doesn't matter. I feel so happy :-)))). We'll be able to talk about everything over the coming weeks.

Despite all my concerns and all the angst in my recent posts [1, 2] about "Should I?" or "Shouldn't I?", in the end I was powerless to take any other course of action. I love the guy, so rational thought is impossible! It's all very well being rational when I'm answering the "Dear GB" emails that people send me, but I guess that that's only possible because I'm disconnected from their lives.

"Don't forget," I tell him as he's leaving, "you'll be able to march in the pride parade next year holding your boyfriend's hand :-). That would be OK wouldn't it?"

"Maybe," he says, giving me a kiss, "let's see!"

Sounds like there's been a bit of progress already :-).

An Asian versus a Western perspective

A few months ago, I went with T to see the film "The Reader", starring Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. One of the reasons that I wanted to see it was that Kate Winslet won an oscar for her role, and indeed, it's a good film.

*** plot spoiler follows! ***

The initial scenes of the film occur shortly after the end of the Second World War. The basic plot is that Kate Winslet's character likes being read to, and gradually as the plot unfolds, one discovers that the reason for this is that she's illiterate. Another secret of hers is that during the Second World War she was a guard at the Auschwitz concentration camp. Eventually she and some other women end up being put on trial for what they did while they were guards at Auschwitz. However, during the trial it turns out that Kate Winslet's character is so ashamed of being illiterate that she won't even admit it when accused of doing something that she couldn't possibly have done because of her illiteracy. The result is that she's sentenced to life in prison, while the other former guards get off with relatively light sentences.

The day after we saw the film, I end up discussing it with T. I may not have mentioned this before but T is Asian, and until recently had lived all of his life in his home country.

"It was fascinating how Kate Winslet's character wrecked her life because she couldn't admit that she was illiterate," I say, feeling pretty sure of my conclusion.

"Actually," replies T, "I didn't see it like that at all, because she got exactly what she wanted."

"But how can you say that?" I ask, astounded that T sees it so differently. "If she'd have admitted that she couldn't read or write then she wouldn't have wasted away in prison for all those years."

"That's true, but for her that wasn't the important thing, because if it had been then she would have admitted her illiteracy. She didn't want to lose face and admit that she couldn't read or write. As it turned out she was able to keep her secret, so she succeeded in her most important objective :-)."

I'm shocked at T's rational analysis of the situation, because that conclusion would never have occurred to me. One can still debate the subject of course, because arguably Kate Winslet's character would have had a happier life overall if she'd admitted illiteracy and avoided the life prison sentence, or early on in her life had made learning to read and write her objective instead.

The fact that T can see some things so differently to me means that it could be a fascinating and rewarding experience if I end up being his boyfriend. However as I said in my previous post, I worry about how closeted T is, and how he can't imagine admitting that he's gay to his straight friends and family. Indeed, I sometimes get the impression that he may regard telling them that he's gay as being comparable to Kate Winslet's character admitting her illiteracy! However, the good thing is that in the film, eventually Kate Winslet's character learned how to read and write :-).

A chat about my potential boyfriends

"Your recent comment which mentioned the film Shortbus made me laugh," I tell Close Encounters over dinner recently.

"You haven't seen the film, have you?" asks Close Encounters. "As I recall, I mentioned the scene where a guy tells his therapist that he needs to love everybody, which prompts his therapist to slap him!"

"No I haven't seen it, but I guess I should. That guy could so easily be me, because I fall in love so easily. Although once I've fallen in love I think I'm quite loyal to the guys that I'm in love with, until they make it clear that they don't want my love."

"So how many guys are you in love with at the moment?" asks Close Encounters.

"Well I guess there's my friend T, and there's also the guy who sometimes gets hay fever. I could quite happily be the boyfriend of either of those guys, but I think I prefer T."

"I don't know how you manage seeing more than one guy at once," says Close Encounters, shaking his head. "I'd be worrying all the time about making sure that I don't get my dates with them mixed up!"

"I don't find that bit a problem," I reply, "I reckon the hard thing is remembering all their different personal details, names of colleagues, and names and age of siblings, and so on!"

"But when was the last time that there was only one guy in your life?"

"Probably 1994," I laugh, "when I was still being monogamous with ex-boyfriend S. Actually, when I first started blogging I did a post about the origin of my infidelity!"

"Well given that you've been living like that for so long, don't you think it's unrealistic to jump back to being in a committed relationship with only one guy?"

"I suppose I don't want to commit to monogamy, but I do want to give up cruising and devote time to other projects. I'm sure that that's possible if I can find myself the right boyfriend :-)."

"In that case, I think you should try going for one month just seeing a single guy, to see if giving up cruising is realistic for you. T perhaps? Do you think you could do that?"

"Well it wouldn't be a valid test unless we're living together, would it!" I object. "Anyway, although I love T, there may be a problem there."

"Which is ... ?"

"Well he's just so closeted. None of his family or straight friends know that he's gay, and he's terrified that they'll find out. So unless he confronts this issue at some point, I'd have to be the boyfriend that doesn't exist, and I don't like the idea of that. How on earth would it work if his family visited and we were living together, which is the way I'd want it. And if his family thinks that he doesn't have a partner then it's reasonable of them to expect him to put them first in many types of situation, and he probably would too, to keep the lie going. So if he commits to a gay relationship, I can see that he might not end up being able to fulfil his commitments to me :-(. But, but I do love him ..."

"Awww how sweet! So I guess you forgive him his faults then?"

"Well yes of course, but I'm trying to think with my head as well as my heart. If we end up being boyfriends, I can see that he might end up breaking my heart even more than ex-boyfriend P did :-(. I really don't know what to do ..."

One of my pet hates

Most of the time I'm a pretty rational guy. I usually analyse situations with a cool head, make reasonable decisions, and generally behave in quite a sensible manner. None the less, I have a small number of pet hates which can produce an irrational response in me!

A couple of weeks ago on Saturday night, myself and T went to Floridita in London for a late meal. I'd never been before, but I'd had a good time in the original when I visited Cuba a few years ago, so I was interested to see what the London version was like.

We arrive around 11pm and when the waiter asks us what we want to drink, I can't help remembering a two line poem attributed to Ernest Hemingway which I'd seen up on the wall in the tiny Bodeguita bar in Havana:

My mojitos at La Bodeguita
My daiquiris at El Floridita

Although drinking cocktails can be a bit dangerous, it seems churlish not to drink daiquiris, so we ask the waiter to bring us a couple.

"But which ones sir?" replies the waiter, with a tone in his voice that seems to suggest that it was stupid of me to assume that there was only one type.

When I look at the cocktail list I realise that there are five daquiries available, imaginatively named "Daquiri No. 1", "Daquiri No. 2", and so on. So we start with Daquiri No. 1, and proceed through No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4, by which time I need to visit the toilets.

Having used the urinal, I go to the sink and start washing my hands when I notice a toilet attendant approaching. I can see that without asking me, the attendant intends to pour some liquid soap on my hands. I really hate that kind of behaviour because it's trying to force a service on me which I don't want, don't need, and which I'm perfectly capable of doing for myself! I could simply have said "No", but instead I get mildly abusive and tell him to "piss off" in quite an aggressive tone. Even though I didn't want his help, I know my behaviour was uncalled for. The amount of alcohol that I'd drunk probably had something to do with my reaction, coupled with the fact that toilet attendants are one of my pet hates! Am I the only person who gets wound up by this situation?

A visit from my female Mexican friend

When I found out that my Mexican friend 'N' was going to pass through London on route to visit her new boyfriend, I offered to put her up for the night. I hadn't seen her since the trip to Asia last autumn, so it was going to be good catching up with her :-). It then turned out that on the night that she wanted to stay with me, I'd promised to take my friend P and his Polish boyfriend out for dinner. Guessing that N and P would enjoy each other's conversation, I decide that the simplest thing to do would be to all go out for dinner together, so I book a table for four in a smart London restaurant and the arrangements are complete.

On the day, my friend P and his boyfriend arrive at the restaurant first, so when I arrive a little later with N we find them seated in the restaurant bar drinking margaritas.

"Hi sweeties," I say to my friend P and his boyfriend, kissing each of them on both cheeks, "this is N :-)".

"Hi everyone," says N to the two of them with a huge smile on her face.

"Shall we move into the restaurant?" I suggest.

The table that we're shown to sits two people on each side. We arrange ourselves so that I'm facing my friend P, next to my friend P's boyfriend, and with N diagonally opposite me. The conversation seems to flow easily and during the course of the evening we chat about absolutely everything!

"So how are you getting on looking for a new boyfriend?" my friend P asks me quietly, while N is talking to his boyfriend.

"Oh, I suppose that I've got one or two romantic interests at the moment :-)," I say coyly.

"Well done," he replies, as though he was expecting me to say that I was having a hard time dating.

"I don't know if you ever use online sites like gaydar," he continues, "but here's a tip. If you're not interested in meeting a particular guy then you can use the phrase not what I'm looking for at the moment, which is good because it keeps your options open :-). Just ask me if need any more help!"

I find it amusing that P thinks that I know so little about online cruising, which I suppose proves that I've covered my tracks well. Although I could tell him that I know a lot more than he thinks, I decide that it's far too much fun letting him think that I'm a novice, so I just look at him blankly and smile.

Later in the evening, the conversation inevitably moves onto the subject of Men.

"I wonder whether we like similar things, when it comes to finding a boyfriend," says N to my friend P.

"Well, I'm quite keen on guys who've got something substantial downstairs," he replies grinning at his boyfriend, "it's important isn't it?"

"Well, up to a point," agrees N , "but there is such a thing as too big!"

"Not for me!"

"Oh yes, I bet there is," replies N with an authoritative tone in her voice, "let me tell you. I was dating this guy once and it got to the point where we were getting undressed and when I saw it I said NO, NO WAY, you just put that thing back wherever you found it and take it home because there's NO WAY that it's coming anywhere near me!"

I start giggling at N's story, imagining the situation and what the look on the guy's face must have been when N told him that his pride and joy was too big!

"Really?" says P, clearly surprised.

"You probably don't know this," continues N, "but when a woman is doing it with a man, if he penetrates too far inside and touches her cervix, it's very painful. But this guy, I swear, it was so big that it would be right past my cervix, right up through my body, I'm sure it would have even been past my tonsils and peeking out of my mouth!"

She starts laughing, and to emphasise her point, and she puts her hand to her mouth and imitates what it would be like with something huge coming out of her mouth from inside. Unable to control myself, I collapse in fits of laughter, much to the amusement of everyone on my table and to the annoyance of the other diners in the restaurant!

"So you never did anything else with the guy?" asks P, giggling a bit too.

"No actually, that was the end of it," replies N with a matter-of-fact tone in her voice now, "we stopped dating after that. A guy who's that big is no good for me!"

Gradually I regain control of myself and slowly the conversation moves onto other subjects.

Thinking back over the conversations that I've had with N since I've known her, whenever we have one of these sex-oriented discussions these days I always think that we've finally exhausted such topics. But each time I'm with her, somehow we always manage to find new angles, usually with the result that I crack-up laughing! In any case, it was very good to see N again :-). Although we live in different cities and in different countries, I hope that we somehow manage to remain friends.

Email from a gay guy who wants to 'find himself'

Last week, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I have been a regular reader of your blog for about 2 years now and have been meaning to write and ask for your advice for quite some time. But, as is ever the way, I have always had 'something else to do' i.e. avoid confronting the issue that I want to ask about. I really like your impartial, non-judgmental advice which helps people to find a way out of whatever their problem may be, without prescribing a fixed course of action.

So what's the issue? Well it is this: I would love to find a boyfriend, The One (TM), if you see what I mean. (This was what I initially wrote but as I re-read, what I actually want is to find myself first as I think this is necessary before finding a bf - see below).

I suppose you need some context now, so I will try and provide it here in a nutshell. I am a 34 year old guy who is fully out, not in a flag-waving way, but out to family, friends and colleagues. They are all OK with that (except, perhaps, my father but that's par for the course I think) and so am I. I am pretty successful at what I do as a Financial Controller for a media firm based in Central London and I enjoy it. So far, so good. I am member of a gay sport club in London and really enjoy that for the people that I have met there and also the occasional activities as you call them! I keep myself in good shape - I ran the London Marathon this year for the 3rd time - and have also been told that I am fairly good looking.

In terms of relationships, I was with my last (and only long term) partner for about 3.5 yrs - we split up 2.5 yrs ago and nothing remotely serious since. So I think that most of the boxes have been ticked from any initial questions that you may have.

So why the lack of a significant other?

The answer in all truth is that deep down I don't think I am that interesting and if I was to meet someone nice it would be a complete fluke rather than me being a genuinely nice guy who deserves to meet someone special. I am also really bad at having friends with whom I make an emotional connection (but I do have a broad circle of friends so am not a loner).

So to sum it up, really it is a case of low self-esteem. But due to a public school education and unemotional parents, I am now so adept at covering things up that I am becoming further and further removed from my emotions.

When I first moved up to London after university I masked these feelings of insecurity through going out and taking drugs and drinking; not to the point of having a serious problem but have now moved onto exercise as the come-downs weren't worth the highs. In my mind therefore, in order to find a boyfriend, I need first to learn to like myself. So really the question is that - how do I get to like myself as I am, GB?

If you say that I should seek therapy then I agree with that but how does one go about finding a decent/trustworthy therapist? Do you have any specific recommendations? That said, it feels rather self indulgent to seek therapy when there is nothing really wrong. I think it would be fair to say that from the point of view of an outsider looking in, my life is pretty good. I don't have £40k to spank on new clothes every season (as per the 'crise existentielle'), but I am not on the bread-line by any means. So how do I get rid of this annoying feeling of slight emptiness and lack of emotional connections with those around me????

I have just re-read this and it seems rather rambling and self-indulgent but I hope that you will get a sense of my situation and what I am asking you.

Basically, I want to like myself, and I know that I have everything in place that means my life is fine so why can't I just get on with things and enjoy them. Is it mild depression? What are the concrete steps that I can take to resolve the situation?

When I received this email, I sent the guy a quick reply with a suggestion for a therapist in case he wants to do down that route, however I'm not sure that it's the best course of action.

Before addressing the main issue, the reader mentions the concept of "The One", and it's worth saying that I think this idea is a bit dangerous. If "The One" just means one's current boyfriend then that's fine, but if it means that there's just one guy out there somewhere and who's the perfect match then I strongly disagree with the concept. For that reason I was worried when ex-Boyfriend P used to use the term, but when he helped me respond to a "Dear GB" email last year, I was relieved because he qualified it by saying "there are many The Ones coming into our lives".

Instead of "The One", I reckon looking for a boyfriend is more like shopping for clothes. There's a huge selection of clothes in the shops that fit us, and even when one filters out all the clothes that don't suit our style, there's still lots left. Often one can't find exactly what one's looking for so one settles for something that's close enough, and shortly afterwards it might become one's favourite after all. Similarly an item might seem perfect in the shop, but when one gets it home one might notice flaws, or perhaps it'll wear out much too quickly! The point is that there are many clothes that could work for us, and I think it's the same with boyfriends :-). The important thing is to choose something to wear and try it out, rather than engaging in an endless search for the perfect item.

Regarding the reader's main issue, I think he's right that he needs to like himself and be comfortable in his own skin before it's sensible to look for a boyfriend. In which case, for building self-esteem, since he seems settled in most aspects of his life I can think of no better way of doing this than finding ways to help other people somehow. Since he's a marathon runner perhaps he already raises lots of money for charity through sponsorship, however if not perhaps he should be doing that.

Another idea would be to give up some of his time to do charity work. One possibility would be to do some work for London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, which I believe is always looking for new volunteers. However, there are many different charities that need volunteers, including other gay oriented ones as well as many more charities that don't have anything to do with sexual orientation. Of course, the catch is that this won't solve his problem unless he does it because he really wants to help others. If it's in the back of his mind that he's only doing it to help build his self-esteem, then his true selfish motive could doom the project to failure.

Do any other readers have any ideas for this guy?

A civil partnership

I hadn't ever been to a civil partnership ceremony in the UK, so when lapsed blogger HBH invited me to go to his, I was more than happy to accept. Shortly after accepting his invite, I got a little txt msg from him asking:

Would u mind being my witness as well :-)?

I was honoured that he was asking me to do that for him, so I readily consented to the request. HBH also said that I could bring a guest, so I invited to my friend T to accompany me.

On the day itself, although London's traffic conspires to try and make us late, we arrive just in time to meet a few of the other guests. Almost immediately though we're asked to go into a waiting room, and after a short wait we're soon being ushered into another room for the ceremony itself. In total there seems to be about two dozen people present, and looking around I guess that the majority of the guests are members of HBH's boyfriend's family.

It's a simple ceremony, and the vows that HBH and his boyfriend make to each other relate well to my own views on how gay relationships should be constructed. There are lots of words about life long commitments to share their lives and to care for each other, and happily nothing about that rather old-fashioned concept called monogamy! After the ceremony we all head outside to take the customary pictures, before heading off for a celebratory meal.

Towards the end of the meal, I get talking to a nice guy and his boyfriend, who're friends of HBH from HBH's home country.

"We've lived in the UK for quite a few years now," says the guy, "but if it was possible for us to live together back home, we'd move back immediately!"

"Do you mean that it's not gay friendly back home?" I ask.

"Yes, that's one way of putting it. Saying it's actively gay-hostile would probably be closer to the mark!"

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"The UK isn't perfect either, because there is racism here. It's very subtle racism though, which is hard to fight. In many ways, I prefer people to be open about their prejudices, because at least you then know where you stand!"

We're interrupted by HBH's boyfriend's straight brother, who gets up to make a speech to welcome HBH into their family:

"I don't think it came as a surprise to any of us when, a few years ago, my brother finally admitted to us all that he bats for the other team ..."

I find myself laughing because I hadn't heard that expression for being gay for quite a while! Overall the speech is excellent because it's not too long, very honest, and very warm too.

"... I must also say that my brother is the best brother that any guy could wish for. So please join me in wishing the two of them every happiness in their future lives together :-)."

Shortly afterwards, HBH responds with the usual thanks, and shortly after that HBH and his boyfriend cut the cake together. But most of us have eaten far too much already to be able to manage even a tiny morsel of cake!

In the car going back home, I ask T what he thought of everything.

"I think they're very lucky to have such an accepting family," he replies without even thinking, "even the old grandfather didn't have a problem with anything."

"My family is similar too," I reply, "indeed, myself and ex-boyfriend S regularly used to go on holiday with my family :-)."

But I know what's in T's mind. He can't possibly imagine his own family behaving in that kind of way.

Overall it was indeed an excellent day. I hope that the two of them will be very happy together, and I have every expectation that they will be :-).

Email from a guy with feelings for a male friend

About three weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I need some advice! In short I am wondering if I should tell my friend of 6 years I have feelings for him, or if I should stay quiet and remain friends.

We have been friends since high school and now we go to different universities. I came out to him last year. It wasn't a big deal and we didn't talk much about it, but the topic came up again recently. I visited him at his frat last weekend and we ended up drinking quite a bit. He told me that he is bisexual, or thinks he may be. It was a large step for him to say that, and he is just starting to come to terms with it. Later that night we end up in the same bed and we kiss. He told me he wasn't ready to go any further, and things ended there. The next morning we don't say much about it. We could easy blame it on the alcohol and pretend it didn't happen. He is on a short trip now so we haven't talked since.

When I see him next I don't know to say. I have feelings for him and I think he feels the same way. I'm afraid he won't be happy to hear what I have to say, since he is only started to deal with his sexuality. We've been friends for quite a while and it wouldn't bother me to keep things the same. At the same time, I do want him to know how I feel, but it could end up ruining our friendship too.

What should I do!?

When I read this email, it reminded me that for a while I thought that perhaps I was bisexual. I think a lot of gay guys go through the same thing. When we realise that we're not heterosexual, our upbringing make us want to be 'almost' heterosexual, so we go through a phase when we think we're bisexual even if we've never been particularly attracted to girls! So it could well be that this reader's friend is on the same path and that eventually he'll realise that he's actually gay. Indeed, it can sometimes turn out that two friends who've known each for a while both end up being gay, because even if the two guys haven't come out yet they're likely to have similar attitudes that make the friendship work.

Since the reader seems to have no problem being gay, hopefully he'll be able to help his friend accept his sexuality, whatever it turns out to be. However, an admission of Big Love isn't likely to help this process. It may even be harmful if it shocks the guy, because one can be quite emotionally fragile during this period.

A much better idea would be for the reader to take small, baby steps towards his goal, which is presumably some type of relationship with this guy. Given that they're at different universities they're unlikely to meet unless they travel to see each other, so perhaps the reader should occasionally contact the guy and say that it would be nice to meet up again. And when they do meet up, perhaps try and get him into bed again and go a bit further :-). Even if they just kiss and cuddle a bit, spending the whole night in the same bed would be good, because waking up together would make it difficult to pretend that it didn't happen!

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?